On Friday night, Fiona Apple took a little time during a Houston concert to speak about her recent arrest in Sierra Blanca, Texas (never go there), for hash possession. Apple suggested that the police officers who detained her had perhaps not followed every letter of the law — “In "holding cell one" is the encoded version of the shit that you did that I know was inappropriate and probably illegal.” — and wouldn’t you know it, a spokesperson for the Hudspeth County Jail decided to respond. With an open letter published on TMZ. It begins “First, honey, I’m already more famous than you.” (Not yet, sir, but this letter might help.)
It continues apace:
"Two weeks ago nobody in the country cared about what you had to say — now that you’ve been arrested it appears your entire career has been jump-started. Don’t worry Sweetie, I won’t bill you."
(How much does the Hudspeth County Police Department usually charge for this sort of service?)
"Next, have you ever heard of Snoop, Willie or Armand Hammer? Maybe if you would read something besides your own press releases, you would have known BEFORE you got here, that if you come to Texas with dope, the cops will take your DOPE away and put YOU in jail."
Okay, not wrong on that one. (U.S. 180, everyone!)
"Even though you and I only met briefly in the hallway, I don’t know you but I’m sure you’re an awesome and talented young woman and even though I’m not a fan of yours, I am sure there are thousands of them out there, and I’m sure that they would just as soon you get this all behind you and let you go back to what you do best — so my last piece of advice is simple “just shut-up and sing.”
Well, this conversation is probably not over. Free Fiona (from the hurtful words of Texas border cops)!