The election. The global financial crisis. Replacement refs. Syria. Libya. Iran. The planet seems primed for another life-destroying dinosaur meteor — or at least another fun novelty song where we just name a bunch of crazy current events in rapid succession. Is it any coincidence that all of this is going in perfect syzygy with the final season of Jersey Shore?
Yes, probably. And I know: Most of the fun of JS is the Snookifreude ("Back when it WAS fun." — you, always crabbing.) But what better time for a little relentless, Cameron Crow–vian positivity?
Therefore, in this space, we'll be accentuating the positive with the Jersey Shore Farewell Awards, a kind of cronyish lifetime achievement award for the guidos and guidettes, honoring what little good they've done with their lives and the rational, merciful decision to finally leave us for oranger pastures.
Welcome to the Seaside Little League Banquet: Everybody gets a trophy, and weeping at intervals is strongly encouraged.
Most Un-single: Deena
Yes, Deena has a banging new body and a … slightly different face. But you know what's really new about her? Perhaps you've heard about her new boyfriend, Chris. In case you didn't, the first six times she said it, please see her creepy decoupaged poster of pictures and quarter-hourly switched-my-birth-control bawling. Town-crier reminders would be nice though. "Six fifteeeeeen and Deena's not dying alone! Gaww haw haw Chris."
Best Feigned Interest in a Conversation About Italian Furniture: Chris
He's a keeper, Deena!
Best New Dad Award: Jionni
It was so sweet when Jionni reminded his fiancée not to let them jump on her fetus while sleeping. Somebody's been reading Dr. Spock.
Most Classiest: Nicole
From eschewing Karma because pregnant women in clubs are trashy to getting her own place, Snooki is making some adult decisions. That said, it's much easier to watch her teeter on her "miscarriage" shoes knowing she's already safely delivered her baby.
Best Sustained Charade: Danny
I liked when he was like, “This summer, I'll take it easy on you, Snooki, you know, because you're with child.” Sure, they're probably paying him in Nathan's coupons and Anthony Bourdain Signature Hair Wax, but Danny's fake-boss Method acting would make Sean Penn stand up and applaud.
The Spirit Award: Ronnie
What an incredibly sweet moment when Ron-Ron, clutching a 400-gallon drum of protein powder like Donkey Kong, proclaimed his utter excitement for returning to the house. Even when he's blackout drunk, picking fights, and dancing like a cracked-out flounder, he's generally full of what most gym teachers would agree was "excellent hustle." Refreshing, given the propensity of some of the other JS players to literally complain about vagina pain.
Best Faux-Conflict: Roger and Jenni
I loved when Roger pretended to be upset that Jenni was filming a final season. "Oh, you're leaving me alone in the McMansion to collect a final huge paycheck and end our annual nightmare? Baby, please don't go."
Remember when Vinnie made everybody toss around an invisible ball? I suppose it was inevitable that one of guidos would go all Maharishi Mahesh Yogi on us, and it appears the task has fallen to Vinnie to be the house's sneaker-Scotchgarding, celibate Sylvia Plath. That's not a dig at his mental-health issues so much as a testament to his poetry. "Snooki not being able to [expletive] tan in a tanning salon/is like a fish just like looking at the ocean/on the sand." You counted the syllables, too, don't lie.
Most Thinspirational: Sammi
Sammi hasn't been particularly interesting for the last couple seasons, but at least you can admire her Cosa Nostran commitment to her grudge against Mike and club-gear-based anorexia.
Most Improved-ish: The Soberation
Much hullabaloo has been made over the years about the substance abuse on the show, so I think it came as a surprise to all of us when Mike went to rehab for prescription pill issues and not for his addiction to “Being a Penis juice.” That said, are we ready for New Mike? He was already much more tolerable this episode: We saw him buying yams and politely asking for London broil, like that housewife in The Hours. It'll be interesting to see what kind of brown-butter-fly emerges from this ultraviolet twelve-step cocoon. At least he still looks super weird when he kisses.
Best Excuse for Not Having Period Sex: Work
Period sex was unable to make it to the show tonight. Accepting of Paulie's seed on behalf of period sex, a silk sock.
All right guys! See you next week when the farewell tour continues.