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Jersey Shore Recap: Caged Meat ( ... Balls)

Well, this was a real "bad scene, everyone's fault" kind of episode. Nobody had a good time this week, with the possible exception of Mike, who's being wooed hard by Paula and her array of chocolate-dipped fruits. But he's still struggling with sobriety and the hard, cold truth that clubs aren't fun unless you're obliterated enough to have orthognathic surgery without general anesthesia.

Even Deena, the lone, lingering Dionysan in the house, landed in the pokey, while the rest of the cast grappled with domesticity, sobriety, and, I don't know, the inevitability of death. I'd be tempted to call it a snooze, but naps are refreshing, so I'll say it was like "sleeping" after drinking the better part of a handle of vodka.

I guess I still have to hand out trophies to everybody who showed up for this episode, but there's no way I'm not taking anybody to Dairy Queen after.

Poet Laureate: Ron
"Very rare in this world can any girl protect a guy in a fight," Ron says, by way of justifying the Shove. Thanks, Ron, for making Seaside a pretty how town.

Most Poignant Bipedal Lament: Jenni
"Everything I've known as a human being with two feet has come to an end."

Most Likely to Destroy Any Lingering Goodwill: Roger
I think people have generally liked Roger in seasons past, which is sad given that he's a shovey lunatic. "I'm too old for this shit," he tells Ron on the phone. Weirdly enough, he's talking about the fact that Jenni's mad about being shoved and not shaving his paisleys into his beard and slap-fighting with 18-year-olds.

Most Anti-Ableist: Nicole
Snooki's excited that Jen's ankle may be broken because maybe she'll have a friend, because we're equating pregnancy with being disabled. Hopefully next episode, she and Jenn will be visiting Walter Reed.

Most Diplomatic: Sammi
Sammi agrees with Ron that women shouldn't get involved in men's domains (club fights) but also with the girls that they shouldn't shove women to the point of injury. Somebody get her a briefcase and those D.C. plates that let you run red lights.

Most Half-Erect: Uncle Nino
Snooki's pronunciation would suggest that Jenni gave him a truck.

The Elephant in the Room: Mike's Hair
I don't know what's going on with the little levitating hairpiece on the front of Mike's head. He looks like the kind of guy you surreptitiously snap a picture of on the train because his toupee is so awful and then show to your friends, like, "You can't tell but it was the worst toupee."

Cassanova of the Year Award: Paula
Chocolate. Covered. Fruit. Paula's really giving this catch the full-court press he deserves.

Deenaest: Deena
Before getting arrested for, uh, obstruction of street, Deena spent the episode auditioning potential new meatballs, dancing on bars, groping strangers, falling down, weeping, not weeping. If consistency is indeed the hobgoblin of little minds, then Deena is definitely a hobgoblin.

Special Achievement Award: The Jersey Shore Music Supervisor
That vaudevillian sad-trombone played during Deena's cry scenes had to be royalty-free. Apt and cost-effective.

Overall Winner: Nobody
The dramatic pulse of this episode was thready, and its barely beating heart was the Roger-Jenni shove/drink toss. How incredibly gross of everybody involved. I guess we can never really know what happens with couples behind closed doors, especially when those couples are probably paid to embroider their arguments for a television audience, but I'm hesitant to say anything further about this guido grand guignol.

Will Deena make bail? What chintzy romantic tack will Paula take next week? A couple's massage? Tableside violin? Tune in, forge on ... so that we may ultimately drop out.