How fun would it be if instead of a paper bag, every hyperventilating human being were handed a copy of Kelly Clarkson's new single "Catch My Breath" and told to just follow the instructions? ("Catching my breath/ letting it go/ turning my cheek for the sake of the show." Repeat.) She could do a whole series, actually — the Kelly Clarkson "Heimlich Maneuver" song; the Kelly Clarkson "CPR" song; the Kelly Clarkson "How to Put Out a Small Kitchen Fire" song. Everyday emergencies would be so festive! And also these songs might be more interesting.
While we're at it, Purity Ring asked Danny Brown to help them make a sequel to "Belispeak," and he said yes, because sometimes we can have nice things. Here's "Belispeak II."