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the recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: A Diamond in the Rough

GOSSIP GIRL

We were led into the episode with promising black-and-white photos glorifying the high-end glamor of UES society and Frank Ocean’s voice to lull us along. Then we all were smacked in the face by our first dose of reality: a scene of Blair getting fashion advice from Lonely Boy-turned-Greaser who also felt the need to pollute our minds with unwelcome, second rate sexual innuendos.  Other notable scenes: Serena served pancakes; DHumps published a glorifying chapter of arch-nemesis/idol Chuck; Dorota, uncharacteristically, spilled the beans about Blair’s engagement ring lucky charm; Serena gasped and flailed when she saw a diamond; Sage, the show’s little monster, tried to ruin lives at Cotillion — and she succeeded by ruining ours (That Muppet hair sex video has, unfortunately, been seared into our brains).

Commenters made choice remarks about golden-boy Nate’s “third coming out,” Dan’s futile attempts to become Chuck’s doppelgänger (the commenters’ attraction/repulsion to the greasy slick-back debut was split relatively evenly), and Blair’s ever-satisfying Humphrey slap. The lingering questions: Will Chuck and Blair ever finish their goals (meaning finally get back together?) and will Steven and his daughter leave the UES for good? Those are the last glimmers of hope we’re all holding onto. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Serena’s Men Being “Life Rafts”

  • Serena letting out a huge belch in the closing moments of the episode while Frank Ocean plays in the background, plus a million points because it is hilarious and clearly switching from berries to proper food is taking its toll.—POLLYROCKETT
  • Backless and braless Ivy cannot bring out one iota of lust in Rufus's face. Botox aside, plus 5 for the sad reality of it all. Now THIS, on the other hand ... —ISLANDIA
  • Chuck and the Oddly Sexy Demand of Drinking An Entire Glass of Scotch. Plus 30 just because. –14A
  • Lily: "You're just ... you're still so young." +20 for the fact that she can't remember how old her daughter is.—MARLASINGER
  • When Chuck walks up to Blair and Dan, Blair immediately hands her glass over to Dan. Once a cater waiter, always a cater waiter. Accurate. Plus 50—FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Blair to Dan: "I'd rather be alone than with you." THANK YOU. Plus one million.—SEA7
  • Besides the video/cheating revelation, the only thing that Dan did that actually got Blair's attention was NOT including her in Chuck's chapter of his expose. +5.—ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • So Serena is willing to give Dan the sex eyes at the end after he spent the last year calling her all forms of whores and stupid and spent all season one and two basically telling her that she wasn't good enough for him. Plus 10 because it is Serena and she wears desperation like perfume so any man is better than nothing even one who clearly does not like her and is in love with Blair.—RAHEAST
  • Plus 2 for me taking my engagement ring off before my shower today (which in over a year I've never done), concerned that my conditioner would dull the diamond. I am really going to miss Blair's life lessons.—PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Serena calls her dalliance with the older man who banged her mom her "first healthy relationship". Sounds about right. +15--APATHYONMYSIDE
  • Chuck in a bowtie= billionnaire, dashing, playboy, Chuck Bass, really. Dan in a bowtie= cater waiter. +50--LIMOSANDSCHEMES
  • DAN GOT SLAPPED!!!!!!!!!!!! PLUS A MILLION—VARTA
  • Georgina speaks five languages and I bet one of those is parseltongue. Plus 6.—BRANDIE_LARUE
  • +5 for Nate finally realizing his true career aspiration: professional cotillion escort.—CAITLINGILBS
  • At Nate's first Cotillion, he finally slept with his high school girlfriend and all he remembers is Carter Baizen. +4 because real. And all I remember is seeing Chuck Bass as a human being for the first time. +10 for memories. —JJOVANA3
  • "is that you vibrating??" +100 Oh, Chuck it ... just do it already!–BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS                 
  • Lily forgives Bart for faking his death because he only committed white collar crime. Plus 3—BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • "That's why I ran away" Serena says to Steven in the same conversation where she tries to convince him she's old enough to get married to the man her mother's age. +8 Oh Serena—SOURCHERRY9
  • Serena tries to throw all shade off her for the sex tape. Accurate. Maybe reality just can't penetrate through all that hair to reach her mind. +1 –BETCHPLZ
  • Plus 10 for Rufus' face when he found out Charlie was rich - you could just see him gleefully planning out an elaborate shopping spree involving waffles, guitars, and lots of Cartier necklaces.—WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • Serena should know that any son of Reverend Camden could not stay with someone who has a public sex tape. +1—MACARONSANDSCOTCH
  • Sage has minions. Plus 1."I never really thought about it, but once I saw that ring I literally got butterflies!" Serena doesn't know the meaning of literally. Plus 2.ELENAELENA
  • What really makes this episode for me is that we may be getting rid of both Steven and Sage at once. NJBC! NJBC! +2--GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Sage annoys me about as much as Vanessa did, so, of course it makes total sense that she shares Vanessa's ability to overhear things from half a mile away. Plus 5.—MIA811
  • Sage's rookie mistake was adorable: You're supposed to just stare at the breakfast berries, not actually taste them. +5—PIECEOFBASS
  • When Chuck tells Nate he has a good point about looking into his father's personal accounts, Nate blinks, proud of his good idea and secretly beaming from Chuck's praise. Typical pretty boy. Plus three.BETABLAIR

Faker Than Blair’s Terrible Fashion Taste in this Episode

  • Chuck, I understand you are on a mission and all. But there was a pool table behind you and Blair. A POOL TABLE. What the hell is wrong with you??? YOU TAP THAT. Minus 50.—STILETTO33
  • “We all come into this world naked and alone. Looks like S is leaving it that way too” – WTF Gossip Girl, did you just write a suicide note for Serena? So morbid. -5—HATINONTHECLUB
  • Why does everyone think ChIvy is blonde? She is clearly a redhead. Minus 5—ASHLEYH2
  • Sage's dress was so ugly and ill-fitting. Blair Waldorf would never allow that monstrosity to carry her name. -100. Also, Sage walks and dances with the grace of a drunk elephant. No points, just noting.—MIMI52000
  • -50 to myself for thinking that the Dan/Serena scene at the end was cute, despite how much I hate Dan.—FRECKLES929
  • Chuck may not have slept with Serena, but he did get rapey over some grilled cheese once. No points.—BOHEMIENNE
  • Dan and Serena are going to sit down to three different kinds of pie at the end of the episode, really?!? We all know that Serena only picks at deserts and nibbles at berries and Dan doesn't look like he's eaten at all ... possibly since least season. -20. Someone feed Penn Badgley, stat. 
  • Dan's hair seems to be getting oilier and oilier from the sheer venom that he's secreting, yes? It was almost as heinous as the S5 hairdo -50 for his repeated follicle failings.—SHARKSWEATERVEST
  • If Chuck is going for Greek tragedy, he needs to go full-on Oedipus. Or at least the UES version and bang his step-mother. No points until someone loses an eye. –MOCKINGBIRD
  • What the hell just happened?! Blair went from scheming against Serena, to wanting to be in her wedding, to calling quits on their friendship. Lily went from loving Chuck and wanting to fix things with her "family" to accepting that Bart's a criminal who is shutting out Chuck to save his own ass. Dan went from being back in love with Blair to being back in love with Serena, apparently because a sex tape was leaked. Nate made an intelligent decision. I know the writers have to wrap everything up in a few short episodes, but — damn! I've got whiplash. It hurts me to say it, but I'm glad there's only five more episodes of this mess to sit through. Minus 10VINCE1178
  • Also, minus 25 for Dan' smirk after getting a number from one of the debs. She's 17! Who does he think he is, Nate?--SUZYQUE
  • Chuck to Dan: "Should I be concerned about this level of obsession?" (referring to Dan's chapter about Chuck) -- YES, because clearly Dan is trying to copy Chuck's style with the slicked back hair and crummy suit. -10 for Humphrey, because he is only the poor Blair's version of Chuck, and we all know Blair doesn't do poor.—VULTUREREADER4
  • Badass Bart Bass conned by a woman stupid enough to share an afghan with Rufus? Nope. -40GINSOAKEDCECE
  • Like Bart Bass would know what cologne Chuck wears. That's like expecting Lily to know how old Serena is! –5—SHEBANGS
  • Serena cooks. Nate cooks numbers. Minus 50 each.—KANGAROOTATTOO
  • -50 for any scene with Rufus and Ivy making out and burning my eyeballs. I actually said 'ewwww' loudly. Hell, it made my dog leave the room.—LSUSARAH
  • -10 for Georgina falling for Sage's "bump into you and steal your phone" trick. Wasn't she the INVENTOR of that move? Get it together, G!—MATTC016
  • Ivy has clearly graduated from the Bart Bass school of Sticking Your Head Obviously Out of a Car like a Labradoodle While Stalking. Minus 20—FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Serena: "You can tell me if you don't like my cooking." -5 Serena, cook? Puh-leeze. Girlfriend's knowledge of kitchen chemistry extends about as far as knowing which pills react best with booze.—CATCHMESOMEBASS
  • No way no how would some teenage girl outsmart the great Georgina Sparks! Minus one password protected phoneXRAYCHICKEN
  • The set up for a Dan-Serena endgame is weak. A shitty sex tape leaks, reminding S of the humiliation suffered during Dan's utter rejection of her, destroys her relationship and impending engagement, and she wants to get a burger and fries with him? Minus only 1 if it means that Sage and Seventh Heaven are gone for good.—JSTARKS
  • Speaking of fashion, Ivy's braless top was ridiculous. Thank you GG for making us terrified of tarantulas AND reptiles. -5—NIKOLE0602
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/Warner Bros