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the recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Nobody Puts Monkey in the Corner

GOSSIP GIRL-- "Save the Last Chance"-- Pictured (L-R): Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen and Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf

Chuck’s overturned living quarters foreshadowed exactly what the episode would be: a hot mess with a sad Monkey barking helplessly in complete and utter distress. (In this scenario, Monkey equals us, of course.) The writers decided to gut out the Upper East Side entirely — and while any semblance of “normalcy” has long been gone, we spent this episode gagging at scenes nobody wanted to see. Derena came back full force, frolicking, giggling, and making amends; S waltzed around B’s pop-up with her glittered-out cleavage rhombus on full display; Ivy slavishly clung onto WVdW and then pouted to him like a daughter would, making every viewers’ eyeballs twitch; Bart Bass stripped down to his skivvies; Mr. Waffles got long-conned; both Nate and Chuckles had solo scenes of them chugging their sorrows away; and Chair “ended” all because of the useless “pact” and Lily.

Quite a few commenters were titillated (to their horror…or pleasant surprise) at the sight of daddy Bass exposing his biceps in an undershirt; Nelly Yuki’s bespectacled presence has officially become a drag; and WVdW’s teddy bear lounging on his bed has scarred us all. The biggest target of the week was the frozen-faced Mrs. Bass, who gained an army of enemies, as evinced by the arsenal of Lily Botox jokes. The next three episodes are ticking time bombs loaded with who knows what, since if everyone living in the UES is a scheming con artist, anything can happen. Let’s hope the writers are listening to commenters’ cries. Here’s to hoping that NJBS will fabulously take over the reins of the last three episodes, and that Chair will end up in wedded, bedded bliss. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Lily Leaving All of Her Kids Choking in the Dust
Serena’s “Brunch and a movie on me” – she knows that she must still buy Dan’s love, even with his new writing money - he’s a Humphrey after all +2. D: “whether or not I admitted it to myself, you’ve always been the one”. Oh, Serena. That is not a compliment. +10 CATCHMESOMEBASS

-100 for everytime I had to see Ivy smirk ...+1000000000000 for watching her lose her $hit when her plan came tumbling down. —BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS

Let's take a look at the men's accessories: Chuck, bowtie. Nate, tie. Dan, chest hair. +10. Real. —NIKOLE0602

You have got to love how as long as Serena's vagina is happy, she is everyone's friend again. +10 ANUNKINDRAVENBASS

The “personal assets” Nate put into The Spectator is a euphemism for sleeping with cougars and jailbait, right? Plus 3 BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

Serena shows up to Blair's shining moment looking like a cross between a giant disco ball and an amazon space hooker. Plus 100 because stealing the spotlight is just in Serena's DNA and she will do it even if she has to fashion the spotlight out of cleavage rhombus sequins. —FEED_THE_DUCKS

Plus 5 for how Chuck wasn't even mad at Nat when he confessed. "Oh Manbangs, I know you tried your hardest, tell me what the bad man made you do!"—AMIBBDOS

Last season Chuck dismissed the pact between Blair and God as ridiculous. But this season's pact between Blair and Chuck - that's sacred. Plus 50 for the power of Bass. —WHOWANTSWAFFLES

Chuck, Scotch in hand, rasping to Blair in his Batman voice that they can't be together. Yet again. And again. Blair, honey, he's just not that into you.  +10 KATEA

Singling Blair out for rude comments and constant sabotage? Nelly Yuki, you have become your own worst enemy. Plus 3, because being able to afford even one pair of unbroken eyeglasses, much less eight different pairs, has really brought out her confidence. —ALT19

"I'm writing the Serena chapter". BOOM! My jaw dropped. Plus 5 to the writers, I didn't see that coming, really thought Derena was back on. —LIMOSANDSCHEMES

So wait, why was Ivy still tapping the Humphrey ass? Does that have a purpose beyond scarring our minds forever? Poor Rufus. If his face could still show emotion it would have been full of heartbreak after he saw Ivy with that Baldwin. Plus ten, because Lily really did get him the best botox available. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY

Serena wears a crotch skimming skirt and a see-through shirt in order to make amends to Blair for being slutty. Plus 8. Monkey barks at Bart, but doesn’t bite him because that would be gauche. Even Chuck’s dog is WASPy. Plus 3.  —BRANDIE_LARUE

So Chivy has now banged Nate, Rufus and William, tried to bang Dan and wanted Lily to believe she had banged Bart. Confirmed: Chivy has officially outskanked Serena. +15 for the student becoming the master. —APATHYONMYSIDE

There are 3 episodes left and they are STARTING story lines??? Bart owns Nate? Lily dumps Chuck? Chuck dumps Blair? Dan is a douche? (oh wait, that's not new). I guess no minus points because if these issues are resolved as quickly as Serena's relationships then we should be fine. —NYMAG_FAN

The nuns walking in Bart's shot were on standby because God heard Blair mentioning a pact and decided to step in. Plus 1 because if God can't cockblock Chuck, there is no way that Bart would be able to. —MACARONSANDSCOTCH

Bart to Nate: "Ingratitude doesn't become you, Nathaniel." Even Bart thinks Nate is pretty. Plus 5 for the Barthaniel lust that lies beneath the Chuck revenge strategy. —ISLANDIA

Heda Gabler in high school vs pretending to love Rufus? She's lucky Rufas is too dumb to know a bad actress when he's sleeping with one. I guess he's used to women whose faces don't move. +5 MOCKINGBIRD

And what the hell was Dorota wearing on the launch party of "B by Waldorf"? She is practically running the company by now, and she still has to dress as a servant, even for hosting parties and drinking champagne? No points.... unless she is wearing "D for Waldorf", Waldorf Designs' new clothing line for servants and maids... what would be a Plus 1000. —HOROZORO

Plus 5 if next episode Lily discovers that the fumes from burning the microfilms gave her real cancer. —PURPLEANDGREEN

I was going to put the whole Dan decides Serena's "always been the one" moment in the minus column, until the Georgina call. Now it gets +10 because once a Humphrey goes to the dark side, no cleavage rhombus can save him. Bonus points for Chuck's use of the word "vanquish." :-) —MIMI5200

I'm genuinely shocked that Bart wasn't wearing a 2nd suit underneath his outer one. I really never expected to see Bart Bass skin. +4 for the element of surprise, I guess? (I still would, by the way. Obviously. Always.) —TRUMPETSTRUMPET

Dan to Rufus- Are you here to get back with Lily? CAUSE IT’S SUPER EASY TO GET THE BLONDE CHICKS BACK IN YOUR BED BRO +10 HATINONTHECLUB

S: Are you sure I'm the one person you want to be with? 
D: Are you talking about Blair? +10 Dan really is the worst —SHAMUSHKA

+20 Lily spiking her camomile with gin, not bothering to hide it, being super mean to even the one child she used to like: the transformation is complete! Welcome back, CeCe! —MARLASINGER

 Plus 5 for Lily letting a couple months of Bart's "dedication to and protection of her" wipe out all past indiscretions, like keeping elaborately detailed dossiers on her and her kids, his faking of his own death and his past treatment of his (and Lily's) own son. —YOUANDWHOSEARMY

is "come over and kill a spider" code for come over and bang it out? bc let's get serious for a minute the world's problems would be solved if these two kids would just DO IT ALREADY. —BOTB

I can't believe that ChIvy is the first woman (girl?) on the show who gets to sit two Bass men down for a threat in a non-sexual way. No points. Of course Bart Bass would assume they will actually be sleeping together when ChIvy tells him to strip. Plus 3. Plus 3 for Chuck's straight face when he says "My father will screw you and screw you over". —WHATHAVEIGOTMYSELFINTO

Faker Than Every Twisted Plotline From This Season

STOP with this bullshit pacts, writers!!! You're not fooling anyone. Minus 6 seasons. And for the love of everything purple, let's stop ending episodes with Chuck sad and alone drinking scotch, shall we? We know you're lazy but come on!!! Minus 100.STILETTO33

Like J-Press, I had a small freakout when Ivy & William kissed. My immediate reaction was "W.T.F. Ewwww, her father? Ugh......THIS SHOW." I realize I was wrong, but -40 for GG making incest plausible. Serena asks Dan if she is "the one" for him. Don't you mean "the three of us", girl? What about Cleavage Rhombus?? -5NIKOLE0602

I don't mean to sound irrational or anything, but minus a bazillion for Charlie's comment 'If I eat another waffle, I'll puke'. Rufus Humphrey and Leslie Knope endorse this message.—WHOWANTSWAFFLES

If Blair ever needed help "killing a spider" we all know she wouldn't call Chuck, she'd call Dorota! No points, just sayin'.—LIMOSANDSCHEMES

Oh Ivy. It's all fun and games until William van der Woodsen gives you fake cancer. Minus 50—FEED_THE_DUCKS

I thought scheming was for overgrown high school girls, not Lily's aging cast-offs. Minus all of Bart Bass's millionsGILASAYS

ChIvy is for all intents and purposes a professional schemer, yet she doesn't possess the tiny amount of professional skepticism necessary to see that William is clearly conning her. Doesn't she realize that all the mushy relationship talk William is telling her is the same thing she would say to Rufus, her own long con mark? Minus 10 for being a total amateur.—ALT19

The only storyline that is unfolding organically, character driven, and logically built on past developments, is the Archibalds terrible ability to manage money. Minus 15 for my Natefusion. —BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE

Best scene ever: Bart's "blackmail" of Nate which consisted of Bart handing the phone to Nate so Nate could basically say "yep whatever Bart just said." For such a badass, Bart kind of isn't. Minus 10. So the Tarantula love was an act? And the best actress in a horror movie goes to Ivy! Minus 5 because isn't Lola the actress?—SEA7

Rufus was suprised when Lily spiked her tea. No wonder she dumped his a$$. -3. Chuck walks in on half naked Ivy and makes no sexual comments. +10 because not even Master of Sexual Deviancy would do Ivy. —JJOVANA3

Wait, SAGE is the queen of Constance? Sigh, it all went downhill after Jenny took the throne, didn’t it? Minus 20CHUCKISMYPUPPY

Bart to ChIvy: How much do you want? 
Chuck to ChIvy: I'll double that. 
I know we've been through this already but isn't Chuck using Bart's money? Offering to double your dad's offer in front of him, using his funds, seems like a dumb thing Nate would do. Minus 3.24YANKS

Dan's heart and hair both flip-flop like it's crazy. -3—GUMDROPCOOKIES

So WvdW's plan to destroy Lily is to make sure she doesn't get Rufus as  a consolation prize? What fresh hell could be worse than an eternity of keeping Rufus in syrup, leather string necklaces and flannel? -1000. -20 for Rufus deciding to play dirty by handing over the microfilm to Lily. Rufus would rather destroy it while giving a sanctimonious  lecture about rising above petty revenge. And then write a song about  his pain.—GINSOAKEDCECE

So you mean to tell me that Blair conceived this fashion line just one week ago, and it has already been designed, manufactured, and distributed to Barneys? Apparently the laws of physics to not apply to the UES, just like the laws of gravity do not apply to Serena's chest.—NYMAG_FAN

Serena looked like Dr. Frank-n-Furter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show in that dress. Minus 20.—ABBY_E

“Vanquish.” Really, Chuck? Really? -2 Blair to Serena: “If you'd've dated Chuck, I would've scratched your eyes out.” Um, he's her brother!! But, hey, this is Serena we're talking about... -1—MIKELYONS

Really? Nate wants security to throw Bart out? Since when has a single building on this show had security??? Minus 1,000—XRAYCHICKEN

My goodness, writers. How thoroughly do you want to screw up Dan's character before this train reaches the end of its line? Is the man a self-righteous blowhard whose writing career peaked at age 20 when he discovered he was only a mediocre talent? Yes. Is he a complete sociopath who sincerely wants to destroy the life of his first love? No. At least pretend like you're not reversing 5 seasons worth of character development just to provide spicy episode previews. -25 This'll turn into a +25 if it turns out Dan's been conning Georgina this whole time. Because that'll prove that Dan learned something through the course of this series. Unlike...*checks list*....everyone else on this damn show.—DANSHAIRGEL

Ivy, William and the teddy bear (while they were cuddling and scheming in bed??? As if we needed further proof that William is robbing the cradle. Minus 1000. Which makes me wonder, did Ivy confuse the Dads of the UES with her playthings, e.g., teddy bears? Minus another 100.KANGAROOTATTOO

Stupid Life has gotten in the way of me commenting in a timely manner the past 2 weeks, but I feel compelled to add that, more than any of this drawn-out Chair nonsense, Lily choosing Bart over Chuck is BULLSH*T. Charles is, was, and will always be the only child she loves. Even final season shenanigans can't change that. -250 and may God have mercy on the writers' souls--TRUMPETSTRUMPET

I'm pretty sure that the writers hate Chivy with the fire of three billion suns and have decided to pair her with the most repulsive matches possible. Perhaps next she will seduce her own grandfather? Although Rufus makes me want to coat myself in anti-allergy cream, Sir Van der Woodsen is quite a catch. For Lily. Not Chivy. Seriously, this is GROSS. Minus 10. Get it together, writers.—ANNSTARRR

"When did you start spiking your chamomile?"  
When my husband came back from the dead and got me involved in his illegal actives.  
-5, its like men don't even understand women—HATINONTHECLUB

Before this episode I thought Lily deserved better than Bart but when it ended I thought that was a match made in hell. Satan needs a queen too and Lily is up for the task -25 for killing any love I had left for Lily.—MEG24

Blair, the super serious business woman who is running a multimillion dollar company goes everywhere with her nanny. And still, Nate running a newspaper seems more unreal.—TIMEIA

-100 for Serena’s 50 Shades of Bondage dress. I bet she thought that was a good book and an accurate portrayal of a healthy relationship. #Rhombus problems.—LSUSARAH

Why is there a teddy bear on William's bed? I know you're dating a 20 year old, but that's taking it a little too far. MINUS 5 for weird points.—VARTA

Dan: The envelope was in her bag 
Chuck: Did you take it? 
Chuck, methinks you expect too much from the Humpfreak. 5 years in with the UES is not sufficient to train in him the ninja skills to pickpocket that effectively. Georgina must have held back in her training.—SABLELG

Photo: Giovanni Rufino/The CW