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recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: Sloppy Seconds

GOSSIP GIRL-- "Portrait of a Lady Alexander"-- Pictured (L-R): Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf,  Ed Westwick as Chuck Bass Kelly Rutherford as Lily Van Der Woodsen

This week, we learned that the path to “maturity” in the Upper East Side is an incredibly nauseating one. (Serena realizes that her vitamin-selling boyfriend hooked up with her own mother — but proceeds to sleep with him anyway.) In other slightly less horrifying news, DHumps continues to be his atrocious self (a wanna-be Truman Capote), trading in his Muppet hair for an obscene display of chest bush puffing out from his salmon pink shirt; Vitamin King is appalled to learn that Serena slept with his high school daughter’s boyfriend; Bart, per usual, sabotages a harmless soul; and Chair becomes a well-oiled horse-tracking detective duo. Commenters reeled at Dan’s sex tape raccoon hair; cringed at Queen B’s entire looks and line choices (Blair would never use the term “airing out her pits”); and pleaded for Chair to stop behaving like a repressed married couple. Most popular observation: Lily’s unnatural maternal devotion to her one true love, Chuckles.  As for the possibility of Dair ever happening again? Be warned writers, the commenters will revolt. Until next week, here’s the recap of the recap.

Realer Than Sage, the High Schooler, Telling Nate “It Doesn’t Matter, You Look Hot”

  • Bart to Lily: "If you want to be with me, you must stay away from my son." This generation's "if you wanna be my lover" +2ALITTLEFALLOFRAIN
  • Serena tries to erase the memory of her mother banging Steven by being sluttier. Some things never change. +15 for consistency—APATHYONMYSIDE
  • Bart asks Lily, "What's wrong? Are the eggs overcooked again?" You can just imagine the type of drivel Bart has to listen to in the mornings. +1GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • The first thing Ivy pulls out of Rufus's box of stuff is the Welcome Back Kotter mug. The second is a waffle iron. There is no third thing, because that basically summarizes Rufus's entire character arc on the show. Plus 50FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Lily kept a straight face when she said she loved both Chuck and Bart! +20 We all know there is only one Bass that Lily loves. —ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • Georgina said "Suck it up, Humphrey" to Dan, as Serena did on last episode ... Is "Suck it Humphrey" becoming a thing??? PLUS 100. HOROZOR
  • Serena being as excited as a labrador with a juicy bone when she thought Sage kinda, maybe, sorta, almost smiled at her. She amuses so easily. +5--GINSOAKEDCECE
  • Gossip Girl has pretty much ravaged Serena for years but Lily only cared when her name popped up +3 because real; "I always wanted to commission a portrait of you" says Chuck as he gently brushes across her cheek & jaw. +10 for making a rather sweet moment into something sexual. —JJOVANA3
  • of course lily prefers charles to her own kids. he's chuck bass. +10—CRABTREEACRES
  • Lily caps off an episode about past sexual partners by saying to Bart: "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was with Charles." Plus 10.ISLANDIA
  • How horrible did Dan look in that pink shirt? Dude may be homeless but does he have to look it?! Hmm, yes. Plus 50.—LIMOSANDSCHEMES
  • How are we forgetting the most realistic part of this episode??? Despite having been dumped by Blair without explanation for her ex-boyfriend who she is not even together with, Dan still makes googly eyes at her. +10000 because Lonely Boy is and always will be a masochist.—DANIPNK
  • Blair's equestrian wear at the horse show is a hit with me. Will this be the inspiration for the next Waldorf Designs line? +20FAKE NAME IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME
  • Everyone keeps talking about the waffle iron but lest we forget the Welcome Back Kotter mug. + 10 for the writers dusting off the Season 1 DVD's. Also + 5 for reminding us of a time when Rufus did not make us all go "Eww, gross"—KMAC014
  • Also, Georgina just got the video off of Serena's bag, didn't she. I KNEW she was going to steal something when she took her bag. +20 for Serena not seeing this coming although it's happened to her a million times.—MARLASINGER
  • The fact that Steven admitted to messing around with Kate Upton (who is only 20) before hooking up with Serena (also about 20). Barely legal blondes, the guy clearly has a type — *Plus 20*PALOMERSS
  • The Bart Bass Home for Agéd Equines is the name of the electronica band I started last night. +4, Serena's dress basically looked like she was wearing purple nipple tassles. Seems appropriate for an event where she found out her daddy issues go even deeper than she thought. Surely stripping can't be far off at this point? +5 for pasty-implying foreshadowing—TRUMPETSTRUMPET

Faker Than Dan Being Wanted by All These Girls

  • IS BLAIR WEARING TIGHTS AS PANTS??? Blair Waldorf, what happened to you? -100CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Bart's idea of being "inconspicuous" is having his driver pull over directly across the street and sticking his entire head out the (untinted) windows of the car like a bright orange highlighter. Come on ... he's a BASS. -25NIKOLE0602
  • Chuck, Bart showing you how to diversify bonds is not bad parenting. You know who goes to ball games with their fathers??? POOR PEOPLE. Enough with this and minus 1 million dollars. —STILETTO33
  • Lily is just only now sending Rufus his stuff? Come on, there is no way that Bart would have let the waffle iron stay in his home for more than a second after he moved back in. -20ANUNKINDRAVENBASS
  • The only thing more horrifying than Dan and Serena having public sex on a bar is Dan’s hair in the related video. Minus 5BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Why does Chuck sound more like Batman than ever? Is his recent bout of abstinence actually causing him to lose his voice? I know commentators are blaming alcohol — maybe Ed is finding this season as painful as us. — MACARONSANDSCOTCH
  • What is with the "second base and beyond" list? What is 2nd base anyway? Minus 8 for ambiguity because you know Steven's definition of second base (over-the-shirt boob grab) is a lot different than Serena's (anal). —BRANDIE_LARUE
  • "Looks like we're back in the saddle!" - Chuck would not say that in a nonsexual context. MINUS 4VARTA
  • Why is Chuck dressed for Easter? No points, but he's usually more seasonally appropriate. —PURPLEANDGREEN
  • The fact that Blair looked more Chiquita Banana than Audrey -100 —VERT
  • Blair's hideous makeup and terrible outfits, not to mention personality disorder. Sadly consistent since the jheri curls and sparkly gown at her engagement (or was it princess selection) party in season four. So plus 20 for consistency. But minus 100 for this Chinatown knockoff we've had to deal with since then.—KANGAROOTATTOO
  • THAT is Bart's big secret — that he has been illegally trading in Sudanese oil?!? As part of the 20 or so people who are still left watching this show ... I am personally insulted at how lame this is "revelation" is and how much Chuck and Blair time has been sucked into the seemingly unending Bass Industries vortex of boredom. - infinity.—SHARKSWEATERVEST
  • Once again the question is why is there no security in Blair's building? No doorman? Nothing? Anyone can just waltz in there at any time of the day or night no questions asked? Minus 1000XRAYCHICKEN
  • Sage has shoulder length hair at breakfast and a ratty braid at the horse show?? *natefused*SABLELG
  • It JUST got gross, Sage? Good to know these people have their limit? +/-5 –BETCHPLZ
  • lily gave birth to serena who had sex with nate who had sex with sage whose father is steven who had sex with lily and serena...-50 for making we wish for fake cancer or a ponzi scheme instead of whatever this plot line is meant to be—LUCERO
  • -10 for twice showing the horse show attendee wearing a replica of Julia Roberts' polo match outfit from Pretty Woman. Even in the '90s that outfit was barely plausible.—THENEXT_MRSBASS
  • Minus 2 for that pink dress Serena wore that had the random purple skin-tag looking things on it. But plus 5 for Chuck and Blair's cuteness and fibs when talking with Lily at the Empire about keeping their going to the horse show a secret.—JRG446
  • Why is 'The Spectator' said to be struggling to make ends meet, especially given the number of mobile phones that started beeping after that eblast at the Horse Show about Lily and Steven's quickie? Surely this suggests that the paper has a large and affluent readership, which advertisers would be falling over themselves to invest in. Minus 20. –WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • The entire last season is hang by the thread of a teenager's hat ... Was Sage brought in to remind the NJBC of all the stunts they pulled in the past?? Because Sage looks to me like a combo of Serena/Blair and forgive me ... Jenny. -10000—BOWTIESANDHEADBANDS
  • Bart says to Nate: "You're smarter than that." Stop trying to make SmartNate happen. It's NOT going to happen.—KIMMYBREE
  • I never ever could have imagined Blair Waldorf becoming one of those sexually frustrated middle-aged women who eff up at work, because nobody effs them. On the same topic: Chuck!! What is wrong with you??!!—TIMEIA
  • Oh Lily, you hate lying like Rufas hates waffles. -5 Bart, Chuck can't use Lily's maternal instincts against her because she has none. -5MOCKINGBIRD
  • Ugh if Rufus is gonna have a gross age-inappropriate girlfriend, can we bring back Vanessa, at least they had legit chemistry. No points just need to stop cringing.—HATINONTHECLUB
Photo: Giovanni Rufino/CW