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Jersey Shore Recap: Situation No Win

Hi there! This week I fill in for Julieanne Smolinski because she's on a plane with fucking Rihanna.

1. Nobody can state the thesis of this episode of MTV's Grody Fuckpalace better than the prince of soul, Marvin Gaye.

I heard it through the grapevine
Not much longer would you be mine.
Oh I heard it through the grapevine,
Oh and I'm just about to lose my mind.
Honey, honey yeah.

Mike spends much of this episode talking about dumping Headband because she has been exhibiting dangerous signs of a personality. He gets his sister's advice. Then he says he wants to be with someone like his sister, and then Pauly says he should be with someone like his sister, the repetition of which is not creepy at all.

“I want to break up with [Headband] in a really smooth, easy way, because I want to still hit it,” says Mike. “I want to be like, 'Look, girl, it's not me, it's you. Can I still hit it?'”

The boys jump the gun and introduce Mike to girls as their newly single friend. The gang sits around a dilapidated picnic table and reassures him that after getting through rehab and keeping clean for 100 days, he can get through anything. Mike continues to tell literally everyone, and seagulls, about wanting to break up with Headband.

Every time I see this show, Ronnie looks more like steak.

2. Both Mike and Vinny admit that their relationships with Snooki are fraught.

Mike got between her and Jionni. Vinny reminds her of the dumb shit she used to do and the dudes she used to fuck before she became a sacred vessel of fertility (as if there wasn't also five seasons of footage to reference). Snooki clarifies that Vinny can come to the wedding if he smooths stuff out with Jionni. Mike, however, is not invited. “I don't need that drama,” she says. “I'm having a fucking baby.”

Over at the Airbrushed Trucker Hat Shoppe which tenuously employs the gang, Snooki has a pain in her side.

“Maybe it's gas,” suggests Boss Danny indelicately. She sulks and calls her doctor.

Later, Snooks shares her feeling of isolation with J-Woww. Nobody else in the house is pregnant (thank sweet fancy Christ) so she doesn't think anyone really cares about her “pregnant shit.” It's probably true.

When Boss Danny picks up Snooki's shredded post-baby T-shirt and says that thing along the lines of “super-slutty mama,” I fear that I will never achieve sexual satisfaction again for the rest of my life.

3. The girls run into some logistical roadblocks when planning Snooki's baby shower.

"It's 'o-r-d-e-r-v- .. .' right?” asks Deena, straining the plastic Happy Meal toy floating in a pool of Bacardi Razz where her brain should be. “Or like, 'i'? Such a small word has such a lot of letters.” She and Sammi go shopping for baby gifts. The gang, particularly Ron, note that Jionni is absent from Snooki's daily life and that this is “not right.”

Snooki has a penguin balloon named Jumanji that she addresses and walks like a pet.

4. The other headband drops.

“I don't like having to go to work, and working an eight hour shift, and having people talking about how you want to break up with me,” Headband justifiably snaps at Mike on the phone. “If you have something to tell me, please talk to me, not the girls in the salon.” When he responds with the foreboding rigamarole (We need to talk, can we talk later, etc.) it gets ugly; she cries and begs him for another shot. The guys make him a “Let's Make it Unofficial” shirt. He plans to break up with Headband at her tanning salon job and then get a tan. She should make him a T-shirt that says “Ultimately I Win Because You're Going To Get Cancer.”

Literally every guy, ever on the planet, uses the same tone of voice when a girl cries in his presence.

Sammi voices her primary concern: “Is this gonna be awkward when we go tanning now?”

But when Mike arrives at the tanning salon for the in-person breakup, Headband has composed herself and plays it hella cool. You go, Glen Coco. The gang, who had piled into a clown car to witness the carnage, is let down. Power-Pop For The Youngs plays. Exeunt.

Photo: MTV