Oh, hi! This week’s Real Housewives of Beverly Hills was set in Ojai, and was mercifully Brandi-flavored. That’s right! Since last week’s show was free of our favorite new full-time cast member, the producers made it up to us with an episode that explored the emancipation of Brandi Glanville, and how what she went through made her who she is today. Also, was this episode brought to us by Lexipro?
But first we began with the non-frontation between Lisa and Adrienne. Remember how their spat and the tension around it was the basis of the last three boring episodes, even though their fight had to do with something we never got to see unfold on-camera? Well, the two finally sat down for a lunch of Pinot Grigio and lip gloss in an empty restaurant to — please, God — end this plotline once and for all. Lisa entered to find Adrienne sitting squirmily in Vegas showgirl makeup and a Ramona Singer–blue top. Lisa, who was lit like a douche commercial, sat across from Adrienne and listened as she proceeded to say everything to Vanderpump but “I’m sorry.”
She talked about how friends fight but then they make up, how nice Lisa looked, and how she didn’t mean for those Fuck-You Flowers she sent to her party to be Fuck-You Flowers. Lisa sat there like a hot bitch in waiting and let Adrienne dig her own grave with non-apologies (“I hurt your feelings, I didn’t meant to hurt your feelings”) and stammering alike (“We have a great time together as friends”) while she sipped and blinked and spoke only to the waiter. It is a good way to get somebody to apologize to you. After Adrienne finally did, and Lisa made sure she knew how violated she felt at the time, they coldly agreed to move forward.
Meanwhile, plans were brewing for the Kim Richards Ojai Retreat. Everybody’s favorite Jerri Blank/Baby Jane–born comic relief figure had decided to act like Moses and lead the ladies through the desert, via SVU limo, to her version of the holy land: Ojai, California. Apparently, Ojai is “the most relaxing, happy place” she’s ever found, and that includes Disneyland and inside of a giant bowl of chicken salad. Those are bold words, and Kim used them to seduce Yolanda, who invited Kim over to her home to dip a coffee cup into her infinity pool filled only with latte foam in order to fix her new pal an espresso beverage. After Kim did the funniest bit in the world, in which she impersonated a bossy teenager demanding a “sugar-free vanilla latte please” in Yolanda’s kitchen, Yolanda agreed to go to Ojai with her and the rest of the girls, seemingly ignorant to the fact that whenever these chicken-birds go away together, drama rains on their Botox’ed skin like frogs from the sky. In fact, to make sure of it, Kim even extended an invite to Brandi, who agreed to join them in Ojai as well. Oh, hi!
Speaking of Brandi, our hot slut wrote a book! Good for her. It has the word cancer in the title and seems to be mostly about Leann Rimes. I will read it! And her agent, a gay man in publishing (WHAT?), visited her and her dogs to tell Brandi that he had the proposal floating around the book world, and also that she had beautiful titties. And Brandi spoke with pain and triumph about her a-hole ex-husband and how he would, while they were still married, stick his dong into anyone who could carry a country tune or a tray full of vodka tonics.
Then, Kyle took her daughter to the DMV and made a fuss over the fact that she passed the WRITTEN TEST. And that was a little embarrassing, because, if I remember correctly, they used to give you a booklet with all the answers in it before you’d take the written test, and then the actual questions on the exam were, like “What is this?” and it was a Stop Sign. The only noteworthy part of this scene had to do with the gorgeous cast of characters in the background shots of whatever DMV Alexia and Kyle went to. All of those women should be added to the cast of the show, and at least seven of them should share a bedroom with Adrienne up in Ojai. Especially the lady with that dyed orange hair.
Then, Lisa visited Brandi on the set of a photo shoot for a magazine she works for sometimes. Brandi was serving some Betty Draper realness, even though she could only see how fat her thumb looked when she came around to look at her shots on the computer screen. And Lisa was a good friend and told Brandi she was perfect and insane, and that the trip to Ojai would be fun and fine because Kim is sober now.
Meanwhile, Kyle, Taylor, Adrienne, and Kim boarded an SVU limo, inside of which Camille (yay!) was waiting. As the driver took them to Ojai, Camille told everybody in the car about her Greek boyfriend’s big penis, and Kim had a marvelous testimonial about how she wondered how many letters it was?
When they got there, a Kiwi showed them around the house, and everybody “Ooh’ed” and “Ahh’ed,” even though the view was the only thing that wasn’t a LITTLE tacky. Sorry to be a design snob — I like classic or modern, nothing quasi-rustic in between. And the ladies were like “Uh-oh!” when the Kiwi person told them that there were only five rooms, because Kyle is a night-farter and Adrienne only sleeps in massive quantities of Glow by J.Lo. And Kyle made cross-eyes in her testimonial when she said “Holy shit,” and that gave me “Fishy face while she did the splits” flashbacks from last season. I don’t like Kyle. She’s on her best behavior so far this year. But I still don’t like her.
Lisa and Brandi drove to the cottage together, Lisa in her fabulous Weekend Fedora, and Brandi likely panty-less. And Yolanda flew in on a jet fueled by carbon emissions and Michael Bublé’s love of Christmas songs, fresh from her husband’s latest shitty concert on the East Coast.
Soon, all of the chickens had come to Kim’s coop. Kim greeted the ladies warmly at the door, in a poncho and pearls, but when Brandi approached, Kim just stared at her the way my cat looks at me when I get into the bathtub willingly. “There’s nowhere in my program that says I have to kiss Brandi,” Kim said, pricelessly, in her testimonial. And she’s right, I don’t think that’s one of the twelve steps. But when Richards finally did go in for a cheek peck, the awkwardness of the interaction shook the hills.
After some comedy about sharing rooms and Kyle doing her horrible, fingernails-on-a-blackboard, “I used to be an actress so pay attention to me” Lisa Vanderpump accent, Kim rallied the girls for their first dinner out.
As everybody settled in for the meal, Brandi ended up across from Kim, a plan Kim attributed to the universe. The universe, in its testimonial, was like “Er, okay.” And to everyone’s credit, at first all the ladies were on their best behavior around Brandi, to the point where I was like “UGH, IS REAL HOUSEWIVES OF MIAMI ON? Those bitches actually hit each other in the face!” I watched all of the RHOM episodes over the holiday weekend and I feel like I’m cheating on my BH gals when I say those Latinas know drama — that shit is like if Passions was on Telemundo!
But back in Ojai, the ladies were playing nice. Kyle agreed with Brandi that Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian renewing their vows after one year was some photo-op/high-level-insecurity ish. And even though Kim said to Brandi how much her kids hated her, Brandi didn’t take the bait and merely told the woman who once hid her crutches and called her a slut pig that her daughters were “good girls,” which was nice.
Then, Brandi compassionately made sure that Kim knew she had also been through dark times. She told her she wasn’t the only one who sat at home alone and drank and cried. And Kim, who had been emotionally vulnerable for the duration of the trip and couldn’t even finish her toast without tearing up, cried again after Brandi apologized to her for accusing her of doing meth that one time. And as Kim’s tears flowed, Adrienne’s whiny, raspy voice piped up from down the table. “Uh-oh! Somebody’s cry-ing!” she bleated, insensitively. And Brandi was pissed because her moment with Kim was ruined. “Call it out, why don’t you?” she said to Adrienne, who asked her “What does that mean, ‘call it out’?” And Brandi replied, “It means shut the fuck up.”
A record scratch sound effect was heard. Forks clanged down to the spot from whence they came. Mouths dropped. Eyelashes curled, then straightened, then curled again because Latisse is a good product. And Taylor, for the first time all episode, had the opportunity to open her earthworm hole and said in her testimonial, “Every time Brandi comes to an event with us, we never know what she’s going to say or do, and it’s just toxic.”
Was it, though? Was what Brandi said toxic? Or was it just blunt and vulgar, in response to Adrienne’s rudeness? Personally, I’m on Brandi’s side. I think it was shitty of Adrienne to chime in like that. And yeah, maybe Brandi could have spoken to Adrienne in a different way, but at least, with her language, that dinner party suddenly became more interesting.
Am I being too Brandi-biased? Does my protection of her have to do with her propositioning me on Twitter to make out? Have I just had it with the Adrienne-Kyle-Taylor Axis of Evil? Please tell me in the comments below. And don’t forget to weigh in on what I missed! (Kelsey Grammer’s tattoo? The guy who came to the photo shoot who looked exactly like Murray Hill?)
Until next time, pals. Oh, Bye!