Herewith, a not-at-all-comprehensive list of situations and dangers that one should probably avoid if one is concerned with early mortality: satanic cults; skull and crossbone signs; creepy warehouses that lack a functioning door; chair-smashing; activities that require one to send a text message reading, “We made it South of the Border”; eagles (or condors, or whatever that was); dirty mattresses; being lifted up in the air like a sacrificial lamb by a group of people who are clearly distracted; wolves. Ke$ha, look at your choices. (“Die Young” the song is still excellent, though.)
