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GOSSIP GIRL-- Revengers -- Pictured (L-R): John Burke as Bart Bass, Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf and  Hina Abdullah as Iman GOSSIP GIRL-- Revengers -- Pictured (L-R): John Burke as Bart Bass, Leighton Meester as Blair Waldorf and Hina Abdullah as Iman

the recap of the recap

Gossip Girl Recap Recap: The Orange Has Fallen

From creepy nightmares to a death scene that appeared to be the human reenactment of cartoon lions Mufasa and Scar, Gossip Girl's penultimate episode was an enormous fall from last week's more promising episode. This week, we were welcomed into the UES through Blair's dream, which showed a dolled-up Chair actually touching through a sensual "no-hand-orange" game. But the happy moment promptly turned into a nightmare when a bespectacled, orange-skinned Bart Bass popped up and aggressively tried to wrangle the said orange — of all fruits — from Queen B's neck. Post-nightmare, the episode swiftly chronicled the UES's favorite evil pop's demise into a town-car abducting, non-blinking, girl-problems-chatting omnipresent maniac who even rolled out choice phrases like, “Well done, young grasshopper." Other memorable moments: NJBC joined forces at the Oak Room for about two seconds until Nate got sent to prison; forever Lonely Boy bought a place in Serena's building to pine after her for life; Bart exiled Chuck; Blair assembled a team of bitches; Chuck beat death and immediately wore a tux; and Bart fell off a building.

The commenters were amused and mortified by the overly dramatic rooftop Bass battle scene. Dan as always, had a slew of haters, and both of the Golden Retrievers received love for being so simple-minded. All commenters want is for Chair to get married, Carter Baizen to return for Serena, and Dan to not end up as Gossip Girl. What was once coined "THE GREATEST SHOW OF OUR TIME" has finally reached its penultimate stop, which means it's time to stock up on gin, scotch, whiskey, and any other hard liquor UES characters down when they're in deep sorrow. Until next week's two-hour season finale, here's the recap of the recap.

Realer Than S Running Away From the UES … Yet Again

  • Blair tells Serena to her face that she is just "brilliant at playing stupid". But Serena takes it, since it's the only time she's been called brilliant at anything. +10—APATHYONMYSIDE
  • Angry Chuck = regular speaking voice. The code has finally been cracked! Plus 3. —CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Bart, Bart, Bart. Chuck gave you the opportunity to reveal the identity of his secret mom and you chose to take it your grave. Now, that's just truly cruel. +400—GINSOAKEDCECE
  • Chuck is wearing a peony boutonniere! +3—MACARONSANDSCOTCH
  • Chuck totally just Mufasa'd Bart. Plus 1 circle of life. Nate remembers he almost had a real storyline this season when he was going to uncover Gossip Girl. The look on his face when he realized he still had the research at home, probably hidden along with some weed in his unread copy of How Not To Commit Business Fraud for Dummies, was like when Zoolander tried to comprehend how things got IN the computer. Plus 30—FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Coming up next week on the long-awaited Gossip Girl series finale: Chuck's nostrils propose to Blair! Also, no one remembers that Jack once tried to rape Lily and instead, they pretend to be a happy family. Plus 20 for the end!—ABBY_E
  • +50 for the unintentional thematic happenstance all the main characters turning into their parents, their biggest fear in Season 1 (Nate getting arrested for fraud, Blair running a fashion house, Serena trying to start over on the East Coast, and Chuck letting someone die to further his own ambitions). ALMOST looks like a crafted, well-plotted serial arc.—ARROGANTHIPSTER
  • "Spying hurts my head" Oh Nate, bless you! Plus 20—LIMOSANDSCHEMES
  • Chuck Bass has the voice of Batman and the skills of Bane. Plus five.—ANDREAZUCKERMANVASQUEZ
  • Serena, as soon as Ivy walks into the Oak Room, triumphantly declares "I brought you here under false pretenses!" She is so pleased by her victory that she fails to consider that Ivy could easily just walk right out the door. Plus 3.—PURPLEANDGREEN
  • Blair was an eye patch away from truly assembling The Avengers: Bitches of Manhattan. +5—JJOVANA3
  • Even Gossip Girl is on the "let's kill Chuck once a season" joke. Meta. Plus 10. Chuck wears purple to confront Bart. Plus 20.—STILETTO33
  • Plus 50 for having Ivy seated in front of a 'Baldwin' piano while she was being coy about who she was dating to Blair. Minus 50 for desperately trying to convince myself that that was a deliberate decision by the showrunners.—WHOWANTSWAFFLES
  • I love how Dan thinks he's done everyone a huge service by switching up the introductions, as if Chuck storming the stage and accusing his famous father of murder wouldn't have been as effective had Dan not prepared the way. Plus 10, because in Dan's head, changing one name in a prepared speech makes up for slandering everyone you cared about in order to feel relevant.—DANSHAIRGEL
  • Nate in the second to last episode is such an important character that rather than writing him into the actual plot they just send him to jail just so there's an excuse for why he's not there. Plus or Minus 20 depending on your feelings toward Nate.—BABYINASTRAIGHTJACKET
  • Nate, I saw your picture all over the internets, but didn't actually read anything and I don't know why you're in jail? Sage's idiocy is so real, so +1—BETCHPLZ
  • Plus 10 for Nate's confusion when the cops arrested him. He could have been locked up for statutory rape or fraud. Let's be happy it was just fraud.—DIAMONDTIARA14
  • Also did Bart Bass seem to be absolutely EVERYWHERE tonight, he was in almost every scene. Now I know time and distances don't mean a thing in Gossip GirlLandia but no wonder he fell off that ledge, he must have been EXHAUSTED. No points, just natefused.—POLLYROCKETT
  • The man Dan admires most is Chuck. Real. +10—PINK_CASHMERE
  • +? for the magic math if Lily turns out to be Chuck's real mother.—ELLECAT
  • Chuck, it would be the perfect time to wake up from your coma dream now that you've resolved one half of your Oedipal fantasies. If you return to us by the beginning of next episode, I'll personally deliver to you ALL the points, 100 hand-made boutonnieres, a bottle of champagne for your upcoming special event, your regular speaking voice, and your mother. I'll throw in a small bowtie for Monkey if you use your magical Bass powers to restore all hair, clothes, and makeup to the glory of the pre-Louis days.—ISLANDIA
  • Chuck has time to change into a tux right after dodging Death (again). Because, much like the great Jack Donaghy, it IS after 6 pm and Chuck's no farmer. Plus 45.—BRANDIE_LARUE
  • Well that opening scene was terrifying. Is the Batman voice contagious? Plus 2 if it is.—VARTA
  • "I go to Constance. I know an eating disorder when I see one". Nothing says "good private school" like binging and purging or subsisting on berries. +10—FAKENAMEISGOODENOUGHFORME
  • Even Bart is tired of gratuitous product placement and lobs Chuck's phone off the building. Plus 5—BOHEMIENNE
  • +20 for Nate's character development. “Cute isn't going to help me now!" he says to Sage from the cruel adult world of CONSEQUENCES.—MARLASINGER
  • Bart is such a multi-tasker. Scheming, kidnapping, exiling his son, being a 'good' reference, all before lunch. Plus 10.—KANGAROOTATTOO
  • +4 for Georgina's smirk when it is confirmed that Bart Bass is dead during the preview for next week. So perfect, so Georgie. That maniacal grin has been haunting the UES since Season 1, and bless her for it.—ALT19
  • After all the rooftop confrontations on this series it was about time someone finally fell off. Plus 6 seasons of cringing anxiety every time Chuck Bass was standing on a ledge.—CAITLINGILBS
  • It would've been nice of Bart to scream "Chuck, I am your mother" while falling off the rooftop.—MAYAPAPAYA
  • Plus 1 to Blair for the vocabulary lesson -- bitches are different than minions.—24YANKS
  • Plus a million if in the end,we see the real GG in a mental institute while a nurse(kristen bell) is reading aloud a book or stories that GG has written.that's what i want to see.and that will explain why we've been hearing her voice all this time.ha!whatchathink?can i write my own series now?—WILLYUMARRYMECHUCK
  • Nothing says true love like publishing a scathing critique to show how powerful you are and then buying an apartment in her building to show how rich you are. Plus 5.—SEA7
  • +30 to the dramatic Bass Whisper Off—NIKOLE0602
  • BLAIR WALDORF & HER BITCHES. I have never wanted to be a member of a fake society so badly in my life. +100—CATCHMESOMEBASS
  • Is Dorota Gossip Girl? She has been around the majority of the series. She knows pretty much everything about everyone. There are some plot holes that may not make this plausible, but that has never stopped the writers before. +100 if this ends of being true.—GOSSIPMOM

Faker Than Bart's Interest in Dan's Girl Problemz

  • Ok, so Ed Westwick used Christian Bale's work in the Dark Knight trilogy as a reference for his American accent. But did the director think he was Chris Nolan with that ridiculous rooftop fight? -10 for an attempt at the Dark Knight that's pathetic even by CW standards.—APATHYONMYSIDE
  • As Bart fell off the building Minus 500 for not hearing "I'm Bart Bass!!" fade off into the distance. Bart would have totally made a flashier exit than that. Those Bass drama whore genes are inherited. —FEED_THE_DUCKS
  • Holy effing hell. This show has jumped sharks before, but at this point, it's jumping whales, reefs, and entire schools of fish. That last scene made me so embarrassed to have ever watched this crap fest. Minus 20 for me.—ABBY_E
  • That Bass ending with the roof and the music and everything was SO campy. I can't. Minus 1000. It HAS to be a dream sequence, right?—CHUCKISMYPUPPY
  • Sage is one of Blair's bitches. Minus 20 because Really? REALLY? Sage's go to tactic for mischief is to strip. Minus 20 more because I don't even want to think about it. —BABYINASTRAIGHTJACKET
  • I hereby decree the Bart Bass death scene to be the worst death scene in history. Horrible music, horrible acting......just plain HORRIBLE. This is the best ya got writers? Minus all of Bart's millions—XRAYCHICKEN
  • During his confrontations with everyone last night, Bart Bass does not blink, the ultimate psychopathic tell. Minus 500 for giving me the heebie-jeebies.—LIMOSANDSCHEMES
  • Georgina to Sage "Phone stealing is like the training bra of scheming". THEN WHY DID YOU FALL FOR IT, G?! -10 for sheer slacking.—MATTC016
  • When Bart first looked at his phone while "Bruce Caplan" was calling I half expected him to say, "Chuck's dentist?" just to round out the inanity of this episode. -30—GINSOAKEDCECE
  • Blair gathers her bitches and includes Sage but can't call Jenny in from offscreenlandia. No. Minus 20—MONKEYANDMACARONS
  • Six seasons of daddy issues, eight gallons of self-tanner, and fifty shades of purple have passed us by and I still don't understand why Bart hates his only son that much. Minus 30—BROOKLYN_FOR_LIFE
  • Um...that entire scene in Bart's office? Dan walks in on Bart reading his "glowing" chapter about Serena. Sure, a billionaire who is busy engaging in illegal trade with embargoed countries and plotting to kill his son would definitely want to read that drivel. Plus, when Dan asks if he really wants to hear about it, Bart eagerly nods. I'm surprised he didn't prop his chin on his fist and ask whether Dan thinks Lily likes him or LIKE LIKES him. There must not be a lot of time for girl talk when you're an evil megalomaniac. Minus 10.—CHUCKBASSLOVE
  • If Bart loved the Sheik like a brother than his daughter should be extremely wary. Look how he treats his own family. -3—AMALA83
  • Nobody punched Dan. -10—JJOVANA3
  • Let's get something straight Bart: only Georgina should be banished to eastern Europe. Chuck would be out in minutes; after all, Fleur probably still lives in Prague and would be only too happy to nurse his wounds. You know he's acquainted with all Russian hookers networks. And most importantly, Dorota (who has close ties with every mob boss this side of St Petersburg) would have Vanya running a SWAT team from Minsk to rescue Chuck in under 5 minutes flat. -100 million points for this being part of the plot.—MACARONSANDSCOTCH
  • Wait, so how did Chuck get off the plane? Were we really deprived of a 007 action sequence of Chuck fighting a fleeing pilot, parachuting to safety, and swiftly changing into a tux for the evening's soiree? If so, minus 168. But, since its Gossip Girl, Chuck probably just overheard the pilot loudly talking to Bart before takeoff on his cell phone about how he's totally going to jump off the plane at 10,000 feet, to which Chuck just turned around, walked off the plane, got back in his car and headed home to change into that tux. If so, minus only 8. —BRANDIE_LARUE
  • Have we ever seen Jack and Bart together? It seems like Jack only appears when Bart is "dead". Could they be the same person? Is Jack "Past Bart" or is Bart "Future Jack"? Are they both future versions of Chuck? Minus 25 for these insane plots even crossing my mind and being remotely plausible in GG land.—BRANDIE_LARUE
  • How does Bart get nominated as man of the year? He was dead for half of it. MINUS 3—VARTA
  • "I'm not God" says Bart Bass. Oh, trust us, Bart, we saw that fireplace of doom and your devilish sun tan....We got the idea. Minus 1 cause transparent—GOLDENROSE
  • The Captain (we're still calling him that right?) says to Bart Bass: "My son worked his ass off to make that paper successful!" While the value of Nates ass did have SOMETHING to do with his getting the Spectator...working wasn't included. Well unless you count "working". Minus 1 season of Diana "IM BRITISH!" Payne.—RHODESRHOMBUS
  • What with Bart's over the top villainy, the anticlimactic kidnapping of Blair, and godawful dramatic background music (my ears!), I'm afraid GG has officially become a 1970s Bond movie.—GUMDROPCOOKIES
  • Couldn't the Chuck Bass plane crash have been the major, exciting, suspenseful plot point driving all of season 6? As opposed to horses, microfiche, paintings, and Windows 8? Minus the 10 napkins upon which the S6 script was written.—ISLANDIA
  • I honestly expected Bart to pop back up on a hover board or something along the lines of the Green Goblin in Spiderman minus 10 for the show not fully embracing its own ridiculous—THEDUCHESS
  • why did all the girls at Bart's function look AMAZING and Blair's makeup looked like an Easter Egg? -10 bc Queen B would never let her B*itches outshine her—BOTB
  • Sage's "New York" accent. Kill it with fire. -10 points—WONKERS
  • -10/+10 for Serena YET AGAIN packing up her entire life to move across the country by casually folding a few scarves into a bag. There's a camisole on the bed as well so you know girl is serious about it this time.—ARROGANTHIPSTER
Photo: David Geisbrecht/CW