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Gossip Girl Recap: Blair Waldorf and Her Bitches

GOSSIP GIRL-- Revengers -- Pictured (L-R): Blake Lively as Serena Van Der Woodsen and Penn Badgley as Dan Humphrey

On the Upper East Side of Gossip Girl, there are no random acts of kindness. An embrace in an elevator. A caress of a lily-white hand against orange skin. A smile from the girl who used to bully you in high school — all of these things should and are regarded with suspicion. But one of the charming vulnerabilities of the Gossip Girl gang is that even now, when they should know better, they continue to believe in their fellow human beings, to hope that they are being genuine. It was this hope Ivy carried in her heart, behind the armor of her giant necklace, when she reported to the Oak Room for her meeting with Serena in last night’s episode, only to be confronted by the entire group. Ivy deflated immediately. But then a funny thing happened. When Blair organized a team of bitches to fight against the villainous Bart Bass, Ivy became, for the first time, a part of the group, along with Sage, and even Georgina. (After all, "You can't have an evil cabal without the queen of con.") Although their attempts at gaslighting Bart had absolutely no effect on the man himself, it created a sense of solidarity that extended beyond the Secret Circle of Schemers. Even Dan did his part, by inviting Chuck onto the stage instead of his father, and Lily, cooperating laconically from her far-away mud bath, and the Captain, by showing up for Nate at last. By standing against Bart Bass, our Upper East Siders were finally standing together. By episode’s end, Georgina was thinking there was something to this unionization thing. “There’s a whole untapped niche in schemers for hire.” We smell spinoff! Now, the Second to Last Reality Index of the Show of Our Time.

More Real Than No Sarabeth’s In L.A.

  • We meant to say this before, but finally, everyone has iPhones. Plus 2
  • Blair thinks her Audrey Hepburn dream is prophetic because Chuck says the word ‘charade.’ Plus 5
  • Blair is totally one of those girls who think they’re psychic.
  • Dan has sold the movie rights to Inside Part Two to Weinstein & Company, and immediately sets out to blow the entire wad on a swanky bachelor pad. Plus 6
  • “Dorota will be able to tell if there are fresh footprints on the Aubusson.” Plus 2
  • Nate has a blowup of Leona Helmsley’s mugshot in his office. Plus 5. I want one.
  • “Great, now every time I go in the bathroom I’ll think of your GeorgIna,” Dan says after Georgina makes a quip about her bidet usage. That is true, he will. Plus 2
  • Philip, Georgina’s husband, goes to Daddy and Me classes in Fort Greene. Plus 1
  • Lily has to stop helping Chuck build a case against her psychopathic murderous husband because she’s late for her Bamboo Body Smoother. Plus 2, because priorities.
  • It’s well before noon, and Ivy lounging around her Hamptons country house in full makeup, a cocktail dress, and a Dynasty necklace. Plus 5
  • Bart is very close friends with Police Commissioner Ray Kelly. Plus 5. Guys with faces like Dick Tracy villains have to stick together.
  • “You want to tie me up like a goat?” ChIvey exclaims. In this dress? Plus 2
  • When Nate is arrested, his first phone call from jail is not a lawyer but his high school slampiece. Plus 2
  • Chuck appears behind Bart wearing a purple tie and shirt combination nearly identical to Bart’s blue tie and shirt combination. They are different and the same, just like Chuck and Bart. No points, but, deep, Eric Daman, deep.
  • “We have a pact, just like you,” ChIvey tells Blair. Hahah, yeah. Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky had a pact, too. Plus 5
  • There are things about the final roofhanger that are unrealistic, which we’ll get to below. You could say that the acting from Chuck and Blair was abysmal as Bart flapped in the wind, but their vaguely confused expressions seemed realistic to us. They looked like they were kind of thinking it through before coming to the conclusion saving Bart wasn’t worth the exertion. If I reach out to get him, the look on Chuck’s face seemed to say, will I dislocate my shoulder? Plus 2
  • After Dan gives the stage over to Chuck instead of Bart, he gives Blair this douchey-hopeful look like, “See, I really am a good person,” and her face in response is like “Ugh are you seriously making this about you, I can’t believe just found out the love of my life wasn’t dead, and you are looking like want some kind of thank you, I can’t even deal.” Plus 4

Faker Than an Uncrowded Bar at the Oak Room

  • Why haven’t Serena et al filed slander and libel suits against Dan? Minus 2
  • Also, Harvey Weinstein is going to have a hell of a time getting their Life Rights. Minus 5
  • “Moscow, as in Russia?” says Chuck, who apparently knows everything there is to know about Byzantine warfare but not basic geography. Minus 3, especially for the answer not being, “No, the Moscow Bar and Grill in Portland, Oregon.You will be running their amateur comedy night on Wednesdays.”  
  • Bart may be evil; but he is smart enough to know that getting onstage to accept a real estate award when the news is reporting one a plane possibly carrying your son has gone down is really bad optics. Minus 2. Minus another 2 because none of the people in the audience seem to recognize that is going down. Don’t they get New York Times alerts? If Gossip Girl had sent out a blast about the plane, the room would have sounded like a freaking casino.
  • Blair’s bitches attempts to gaslight Bart are completely high-school and amateurish. How many times are we going to sneak an illicit image into a slideshow, guys? Honestly, a Nairtini would have been more effective, and Bart’s bald. Minus 5
  • “Who do you think they are going to believe?” Bart says to Chuck. “The man of the year, or some pathetic little boy?” Okay, we get that Bart is proud of this honor and we let it go when he roped Dan who had thankfully read his trade publications that morning into congratulating him, but this is a little much. Being top dog in Real Estate Investors Monthly may get you a better seat at the Hamptons Classic, but it doesn’t cover murder. Minus 5
  • Chuck’s attempt to trick Bart into a confession by repeatedly saying, “You tried to kill your own son!” are way transparent. A rookie mistake, below Chuck’s capabilities. Minus 2
  • We’re not sure what was the most unrealistic about Bart and Chuck’s Death Battle, the fact that Chuck threw a punch that apparently levitated Bart over the railing when the camera happened to be turned away or the bizarre cartoon music that was playing. Also, it’s all well and good to let Evil Bart slip to his death, but the Empire Hotel is over Lincoln Square! What about the Pedestrians below? Minus 20
  • Wait, so how did Chuck get off the plane? Minus 10

This episode fell on the side of unrealistic, and not just because of the cheap background someone borrowed from an old Batman set for the Bart Bass death scene. As usual, leave your points in the comments, and steel yourself for next week: The Forever Finale has a lot of questions that need to be answered. Among them: Will Chuck and Blair finally get to be together? Will Dan and Serena get back together? Who is Gossip Girl? And will Lily and Rufus EVER ACKNOWLEDGE SCOTT?

Photo: David Geisbrecht/CW