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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Crying and Lying

Happy holidays! I am currently at my in-laws' house, so this week I had to watch this episode on a TV that still has a cathode ray tube. I have also been drinking since 4 p.m., so I’m trying to figure out if I actually watched Walter SPRING TO LIFE this week or if it was a fever dream brought on by rum.

This is our last episode in Anguilla, and it picked up where it left off, with Kenya twirling away from the massive fight she had with Porsha. When the rest of the group walks back to where Porsha is sitting, she asks if they “took out the trash.” This fight has officially put me in the awkward position of agreeing with the otherwise-batshit-cuckoo Kenya; while I’m sure Porsha’s feelings were hurt by the charity fiasco a few episodes ago, she constantly comes at Kenya with classist, ageist nonsense, making her argument sound perpetually immature. Cynthia says she is surprised the fight got so “crunk,” but agrees that if Porsha came at her with some of the things she said to Kenya, it would make her want to fight, too. Back in her room, Kenya is describing the fight to Walter, explaining that Porsha called her a tramp, and that she is a Barbie who fights back. “If you want to call me ghetto? That makes me Detroit Barbie!” She goes on to explain that she has opened the door for Porsha to try to become relevant, and how crucial she is to the trajectory of history. “Obama, Clinton, Kennedy — I’m a part of HISTORY.” Please remember this statement for later in the episode; the fact that the synapses in Kenya’s brain are not firing simultaneously is crucial to understanding a fight she has with Walter. Kenya Moore: Just As Historically Important As President Obama™.

The sun is shining the next day, but not as bright as the pink mesh shirt Kandi is wearing when Nene comes a-knockin’ on her door. Nene fills Kandi in on the fight between Porsha and Kenya, complete with the twirl reenactment, before asking Kandi if she had beef with her. Apparently Cynthia told Nene what Kandi said about her after the Gorgeous Ladies of Success event, which is that Nene only had the party to counter her bad press. Kandi owns it, and says that whenever her name comes up, Nene is dismissive. We flashback to a fight with Nene’s old nose and Kandi’s old hairdo, but in the present day Nene says that while she and Kandi don’t really connect, that is no reason to dislike each other; she is proud of Kandi! Todd ambles over from the corner where he was looking at Twitter and says that he almost cried when he heard them making up, and didn’t we all? At the very least I appreciated these two women sitting down and talking about their issues calmly without resorting to name-calling. Gregg shows up, asks if everyone wants to go ride some horses on the beach, and does the “40 and Fabulous” Kenya twirl. If this doesn’t become the next dance craze now that we’re all sick of “Gangnam Style” I’m going to be very disappointed in you, America. 

In Porsha’s room, she’s talking to Kordell about the fight; he asks her what happened and how she approached it because it “sounded loud.” Porsha defines herself as easygoing, to which Kordell laughs, though he is surprised that Kenya called her a bitch. Even though he says Porsha is “always starting something,” Kordell ultimately comes to his wife’s defense since they are “grown folk.” I think he realizes that Porsha is an entitled instigator, but was trying to get to the beach as fast as possible.

Kenya asks Walter if he was going to go horseback or dolphin riding, and the fact that she thinks you can just grab and ride dolphins in the wild gives us a peek into the cartoon fantasyland inside her head. She also thinks Walter is going to propose since it is their last day on the island, since he pinky-swear-promised that he’d think about it maybe one day. She decides that she obviously needs to talk to the group about the fight that happened last night, so as Peter is rounding up all of the menfolk to put on the bus, Kenya pulls the ladyfolk aside. She wants to get this over with because this is the day “she’s going to be a Mrs.,” so she quickly apologizes for losing her cool and her temper. She does not apologize for using her Guns n’ Roses–style illusions, but she does apologize directly to Porsha for calling her a bitch. Porsha does not buy it, and says Kenya’s face is “mean like a raisin.” Even if I don’t agree with her, I love that she anthropomorphized fruit. Back on the bus, the menfolk decide they are not going to get involved with the fighting of the womenfolk, and Peter waxes philosophical about some misogynistic bullshit. Women take a long time to get ready to go out! Women are always fighting! Women be like “Oooh I got my period” and men be like, “Boooo, gross!” Peter is a cock. After deciding that the menfolk were ABOVE THE DRAMA, Peter marches inside to try to wrap it up and move it along. He is quickly waved away, and tells the other menfolk that his wife “shut his ass down.” Back in the scrum, nothing is resolved but everyone gets up to leave. In her confessional, Nene says that neither Kenya nor Porsha likes each other. “Porsha didn’t accept her apology, and Kenya didn’t really apologize. They’re stupid.” Kenya teaches everyone how to twirl and wave, and we’re off to the beach.

The group piles onto Tom Hanks’s raft from Cast Away for lunch, which frankly looks about as pleasant has having lunch in a latrine. Kenya, having not fought with anyone for three solid minutes, presents Cynthia with a gift; she had her idol, her very good friend, and first African-American woman to win Not Miss USA but Miss America Vanessa Williams autograph a copy of her new book. She wanted to give it to Cynthia because she once tossed some shade to Kenya about her credentials. After a few beats, Cynthia accepts the gift and says, “Okay, that sounds like a read?” She goes on to say that she is very well versed in history, but that she lives for books and will read it from cover to cover so what else is going on? I am not her biggest fan, but her reaction to Kenya was hilarrrrrrious and completely on point. The ghost of Keats temporarily possessed Peter like Patrick Swayze with Oda Mae Brown, and he gives a toast to “beautiful people doing beautiful things” before he rides around the floating lunch table on a horse. All of the couples kiss, and Kenya sits at the table with her lips pursed for an awkward length of time, waiting for Walter to put down his drink.

Everyone goes to hang out on the beach; Nene tries to ride a horse, but after two seconds leaps from the horse and runs towards a server carrying a tray of drinks, while Kenya and Cynthia take a stroll. Cynthia wants to call Kenya out for how disrespectful she was way back in episode one of this season, during the Bailey Agency and School of Modeling and House of Doughnuts event where Kenya was calling out “coochie cracks,” and Kenya explains that she only did that to help these coochie crack girls since someone once did the same for her. The discussion escalates, so Phaedra and Nene walk over to make sure everything is cool. They’re just in time to watch Kenya throw herself to the ground, cackling “Make it stop!” as Cynthia stands over her, yelling and throwing sand on Kenya, telling her to go on and bury herself. Kenya runs away screaming to “make it stop,” but someone said they are “all good” in the end. Kenya called this a mature conversation, and broke her own arm patting herself on the back.

During a brief interstitial, Nene teaches everyone how to shake their booty by doing something she dubs Zen Aerobic and Get Hood, but I call Capturing the Heterosexual Male Demographic. 

Finally, everyone meets at daVida for their last dinner. Kenya tries to talk to Walter about wedding plans, and Walter tells the server he might need “two or three more drinks.”  Peter asks all the men to stand up, and proceeds to toast everyone in the traditional manner of the Ninja Turtles: Todd gets respect, Kordell and Porsha are a beautiful couple, Apollo is a cool dude, Gregg and Nene make him happy, and Walter is a solid dude who he hears is under a lot of pressure to propose. Nene calls out to Walter that Kenya told everyone he would propose; Walter comes ALIVE to inject some reality into the conversation. He explains that, “anything could happen,” meaning a proposal might happen and it might not, then he immediately pours a shot down his throat. Kenya tries to turn the conversation to when Kandi and Todd might get married, but Kandi shuts that down quicker than Deshawn Snow writing a check to her pastor, so everyone starts talking about how they proposed to each other instead. Kenya sits at the table sulking while Kordell gets a plate of Beetlejuice hands delivered to him, and then she gets up to leave, having lost her appetite. Walter goes to find her, and she’s crying, saying that she thought they worked this out three days ago when they talked about eloping! Newly animated Walter holds his ground, saying he never told her they were going to elope during this trip, and he is not going to be pressured into marriage. Kenya says she is sitting there “a damsel in distress,” but she doesn’t like his tone so she leaves and walks into the darkness, where we next see her sitting under a lamppost crying. Phaedra comes to find her, and Kenya says Walter is “acting crazy!” Phaedra explains that he’s acting crazy “because he has a penis,” and that Kenya is lucky to not end up with one of these crazy men. Apollo rolls over, tells Kenya to chill out, and together he and Phaedra walk her back to the group. Anguilla is over, no one got engaged, and we end the trip the way we started, with Kenya having alienated everyone.

What do you think? How will the Atlanta crew ring in the New Year? Will Nene throw herself a parade? Will Kenya turn into Miss Havisham? Is Kandi going to swim in her vault of gold coins like Scrooge McDuck? Let’s meet next week to discuss.