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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: A Short Cervix Makes a Bad Friend

Chances are great that Kim will no longer be on the show, and I am feeling all of my feelings about it, but first we have to deal with Porsha’s uterus, Phaedra’s boobs, Kandi’s kegels, and Gregg’s advice about period sex.

Kim takes her daughters, Arianna and Brielle, out for pizza on a sunny day, and makes brilliant proclamations like “pizza is my favorite thing,” “wow it’s hot outside,” and “I want fried dough.” Do you know that scene in the movie Cat’s Eye where the troll climbs up on Drew Barrymore’s chest and tries to steal her breath while she’s sleeping? That is what I feel like every time Kim is on screen. Arianna quickly shuts an attempted conversation regarding rumors of Kim being homeless with an eerily adult non sequitur: “Let me ask you something — was I planned?” Holy shit — is this the kind of question parents have to answer these days? I was afraid to ask my mother for an extra five minutes in the bath, let alone whether or not she was prepared for my corporeal being to walk the earth. Kim replies that yes, Arianna was planned and no, Brielle was not, but she did not let that “cramp her style.” Brielle rolled her eyes, told her mother that God makes birth control and she’s going to make sure Kim uses it, and even if we never see them again I feel like these girls are going to be alright.

Next Phaedra and Apollo meet Kenya and Walter for a double date at the go-kart park. Phaedra is wearing her finest lace-shouldered T-shirt, and Apollo drew his beard on with a Sharpie. Walter is wearing gigantic white shorts that reach his calves, the kind that make all men look like oversized toddlers. No one can tell what Kenya is wearing, because she basically starts tearing it off the minute she sets her eyes on Apollo. Phaedra, of course, notices her husband being eyeball-fucked from across the table, and in her confessional says, “She might want to pump her brakes because she is breaking some cardinal rules.” No drama ensues; the three talk about the possibility of Kenya producing that butt workout video again while Walter sips lighter fluid from a hip flask under the table. Everyone gets into go-karts, Kendra and Phaedra compare the size of their breasts, and Phaedra yells “you are not polite!” to a driver who got too close as she and Walter whizzed around the track at 2 mph.

At Cynthia and Peter’s house, we get to watch them open a $200 bottle of wine, take one sour sip from it, and then pour it directly down the drain. Is their house built on the Poltergeist lot? Do they not see how spoiled everything becomes in their presence? Thankfully Nene and Gregg show up to spare us from the inevitable yelling match, and declare that their relationship is undefined but much better since they got divorced. Peter immediately says that he wants the same thing, to live apart in the same city, which, based on their history, I have a hard time believing is purely a joke. It hardly matters, because the babelfish in Cynthia’s brain turned it into “We’re going to be together forever.” They move to the living room where Cynthia reveals that she is planning a couple’s trip to Anguilla, which I first heard as Angola, and hoped they were going to Africa again. Last year’s trip to Africa was the highlight of my TV-watching LIFE (Marlo fighting Shereé, Cynthia dressed like a member of Parliament Funkadelic, and Nene wearing a glitter snood), but dreams only last but so long. There’s some hemming and hawing about the invitation extended to Kim and Kroy, and a weird digression about planning the trip around Cynthia’s period so she and Peter can have sex. Gregg says Peter should treat period sex like a boxer’s training — “stick and move.” Gregg. GREGG. I think my body dissolved three or four vertebrae out of prudish shock, and I visibly shrank after hearing that. Cynthia leaves to pour more wine down the sink, and Peter whispers plans to surprise her with a vow renewal in Anguilla since Cynthia’s mother and sister ruined their actual wedding day (by chanting in Latin and dousing them with holy water).

Porsha rolls up to a doctor’s office with her baby hair intact and Kordell by her side. She had uterine fibroids removed, so she’s at the doctor to do a fertility checkup and make sure everything is okay. While they’re waiting for the doctor, they briefly fight about which family has stronger genes, and then she checks her phone to see which type of yam you have to eat to ensure you have a baby girl. The doctor declares that all is well in her baby sack, and that they can start trying for babies in a month. Porsha asks what she can do to “higher” her chances of having twins. The doctor starts explaining the medical complications of multiple births; Porsha’s eyes glaze over and she daydreams about which winter squash she can consume to produce a baby covered in Swarovski crystal sequins.

Then we get to Kandi and Cynthia sitting down for drinks under a deck at a summer house. Cynthia is wearing a glasses entirely too big for her face and obviously fake, which, as someone forced to wear glasses in order to see more than two feet away, rankles me a bit. They talk about Anguilla; Kandi says Todd can’t go because he has to work, but reveals in her confessional that Todd just thinks this group of friends is too much drama. Apparently they’re planning the trip around Kim’s ability to travel, and Kandi, like everyone else on the eastern seaboard, thinks it’s a bad idea to invite Kim in general.

Speaking of Poltergeist, we get to revisit the Hosea Williams Home, soon to be swallowed up by an earthquake caused by the bones of Hosea Williams spinning furiously in his grave every time Porsha sets foot on the property. Porsha has invited Cynthia and Nene over to talk about doing a PSA for the charity; she mentions her behind-the-scenes work in marketing, and then says, “It’s not just feeding the hungry on Thanksgiving; this is about feeding the hungry 265 days a year.” I can’t, it’s too easy. They sip some of the “raisaling” she offers while dissecting how much Porsha and Cynthia dislike Kenya, and both guests agree to do the PSA, if for nothing else than to get out of there and back to the land of dictionaries.

Kandi and Phaedra go shopping at one of those “stores inside a house.” Kandi has her own sex toy business and brought Phaedra a gift; Phaedra was hoping for a penis ring, but Kandi brought her some kegel balls, one of which she was using as they spoke. After describing how the kegel balls worked, Phaedra declared Kandi the only person she knew who could run around with balls in her all day, and I checked the channel to make sure this wasn’t a Rupaul’s Drag Race crossover event. Kandi uses this moment to ask Phaedra if she should invite Kenya to Anguilla, to which Phaedra accurately replies NOPE. Kandi apparently thinks Kenya is the life of the party. They each buy something and make the clerk wildly uncomfortable by continuing to talk about balls at the counter.

There’s a small break where Kim’s dog shits in the house; Sweetie, in the process of unpacking Kim’s house, discovers she has stepped in it; and Kim says, “I’m going to need for you to locate that” dog shit while she walks upstairs. This information may or may not sway your feelings about Kim as we move to the final scene, but it definitely should. She is a monster, and I feel morally obligated to point that out every week.

Finally we are at lunch; Cynthia shows up first wearing golden serving plates as earrings, and Phaedra quickly follows in her finest goth Easter hat. Phaedra has brought a giant apology bouquet to Cynthia; Cynthia accepts her apology and makes a show out of deleting the incriminating voicemail from last week while simultaneously hypnotizing the wait staff with her Wonder Woman cuff earrings. Kandi shows up and warns everyone she invited Kenya moments before Kenya glides in wearing confetti, saying hello to everyone accept Cynthia. Nene totters in on twenty-inch heels, and Kim brings up the rear. Once everyone is seated, Kenya says, “Is this a couple’s trip? Am I invited?” Cynthia remains stone-faced and says nothing, and for a second I forget how annoying she is in the face of all that ATTITUDE! Kandi smirks while she looks on, waiting for Cynthia to say something, and for the first time ever I’m a little disappointed in Kandi and how much she’s instigating this situation. Kenya declares, “Well, I’m inviting myself!” in the face of Cynthia’s silence, and listen — I know she is a maniac, but I am loving Kenya more and more each week. She will never take the high road!

Things quickly dissolve as it becomes clear that everyone planned this trip around Kim and Kim is NOT GOING. She ran off a litany of excuses as to why she can’t make it, my favorite of which was “I have a short cervix,” but does say that instead of going to Anguilla, she has scheduled a trip with Kroy for the very same week! At this point everyone lost it, calling her on her bullshit and pointing out the numerous times she has made excuses to cancel plans in the past. Phaedra points out that ever since she got married she doesn’t have time for her girlfriends anymore, and Kim says, “I really don’t.”  When Nene and Kandi point out that she has made excuses to get out of plans with them recently, Kim says that Nene was late to her own party by two hours and Kandi was late to get her nails done by 45 minutes. Basically Kim’s biggest excuse of the night is that Atlanta runs on CP time! Nene gets so worked up about Kim’s excuses she has to physically calm herself down by waving her hands around her own face; when she can finally speak, she turns to Kim and, in her best Oda Mae Brown says, “Do not lie on me.” Kim declares the entire table to be crazy and storms out of the building. Cynthia says she will never accommodate Kim again, but she probably won’t have to, since Kim is officially off of the show.

Next week it looks like they bring Porsha to Anguilla in Kim’s stead — will she eat a mango and become the next Octomom? Did someone actually let Kenya drive a boat? Will Phaedra beat Kenya’s ass for hitting on Apollo? Whatever happens, I’m sure it will not disappoint.

Photo: Bravo