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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Wedlock and Headlocks

If you’re like me, you could not handle one more piece of terrible news this week and were greatly looking forward to this episode. Nene (the only celebrity I pay attention to on Twitter) promised that this week would be explosive, and unlike Kim, she did not lie on us.

We’re still in Anguilla, and picking up right where we left off — with Kenya propositioning Phaedra for an imaginary birthday threesome with her husband. Phaedra — who in a past season lied about how far along she was in her pregnancy so her minister mother wouldn’t figure out she had sex before her wedding — was NOT having any of it. She is a PROPER SOUTHERN LADY Y’ALL, and knows from studying scripture that threesomes always end in one person doing a LOT more receiving than giving. While Phaedra was tearing Kenya down for even insinuating Apollo should have sex with her friends, Nene was casually calling bullshit on Kenya and Walter’s entire relationship. “Is your relationship real?” Kenya said her relationship was “fine, and my business,” which is not exactly a stirring denial. Nene declares herself a good judge of character, and based on your comments last week about Walter hitting the airwaves to say he and Kenya were only in a relationship for the camera, I’m inclined to agree. Of course, Cynthia, deep in conversation with Porsha, ALSO has to now declare that she finds Kenya and Walter’s relationship odd, because the Earth would spin off its axis if she didn’t immediately copy or validate something Nene said or did.

It seems Gregg has a surprise — he’s cooking dinner for everyone, hoorah! Cynthia changes into a bedazzled leopard print turban and hangs her finest roach clip from one side while Porsha bends her ear about how lasciviously Kenya was dancing when Peter was sandwiched between Kenya and Cynthia. Porsha is bothered by the fact that Kenya bent over and touched her toes, prompting Cynthia to clarify, “Was it a drop, or a drop and booty shake?” Ill equipped to define exactly what kind of ass action was happening, Porsha just feels that it’s wrong for Kenya to touch a married man. All of the women are now officially pissed at Kenya, except Kandi, who is sitting in a corner somewhere, quietly counting her money.

At dinner, Peter takes all of the men folk aside to reveal his SECRET plan to have a SECRET vow renewal ceremony with Cynthia on a SECRET island the next day. Having known them for one entire day, he finds that he “really likes these guys” and wants to put them to work immediately. The guys all stand around thinking, “Uh, sure, we’re sort of trapped since you planned this entire trip.” The SECRET wedding is going to be a white party, because, according to Peter, “Black folks love white parties.” I must have missed that memo at the last meeting — restructuring my New Year’s Eve party immediately.

Gregg serves a giant plate of snap peas, and dinner conversation turns to sex after Cynthia declares she had Peter “until the third shift last night.” Why must they insist on being everyone’s overly sexual parents week after week? Methinks they doth inform too much. We get to learn about everyone’s sex lives; Nene likes it in the morning and Kandi and Todd had sex in a hot tub the previous evening, prompting Phaedra to give her Sermon on the Mount from last week regarding hot tubs and STIs. “I’m in love with my own vagina, and I protect it dearly.” I feel like we’re building to another career change; next season Phaedra will be the only Attorney Mortician Sex Ed Instructor in Atlanta. Everyone is laughing and thoroughly enjoying the conversation … everyone except Kenya and Walter, who chew silently, heads bowed, not saying a word, body language shouting, “We haven’t had sex at allllllllll!” Walter skirts the issue by ushering Kenya away from the table for a surprise, but quick-as-a-fox Nene says, “We haven’t heard a peep out of them.”

Kenya, who we can now see is dressed in a vivid corn husk, asks if the surprise is a proposal, and Walter’s shoulders slump as he realizes this is the first time in months he’s been near Kenya without a drink in his hand. As it turns out, he only wants to tell her that Peter has planned a surprise wedding ceremony for Cynthia the next day. What was he thinking? You don’t tell a woman desperate to be married that she is attending the surprise wedding ceremony of her enemy in the next 24 hours! The Eye of Sauron opened up on Kenya’s forehead as she glared at Walter, finally saying, “Does that mean I’m a bridesmaid?” in a moment that was a little sad and a lot pathetic.

The next morning, MTV’s Sway cooks everyone breakfast while Kenya, fresh from her workout, visits Nene. They talk about the SECRET wedding ceremony again, and I’m sure Cynthia must have heard about it by now since no one can shut up about it. Nene asks Kenya if she thinks Walter is serious, and asks if Kenya has ever cheated on him. Kenya says that she hasn’t cheated, but if things do not work out between them she would still stay in Atlanta. Porsha saunters in, causing Kenya to have the most silent seizure ever witnessed on TV; she is crowned Miss Stone Cold Glaring, this and every year. They all talk about the wedding AGAIN while Nene cleans her ear with the tip of her makeup brush, and then they congratulate each other for getting along on this trip, the foreshadowing so thick you could lay it on with a butter knife.

Cynthia, in her finest American flag bikini, has arranged for a day of pampering, so everyone trots out poolside to have massages. Nene is pissed because she has to take off her shorts and bra, saying, “Great — now I’m just in bed, but outside.” Kandi gets grilled about Todd, assuring everyone that they are just going with the flow and do not want the pressure. The talk turns to weddings — Phaedra’s was a big occasion, shocker, and Nene wants to know what Kenya’s wedding would look like. We all know it would involve a man being clubbed on the head and waking up in a foreign country with a ring on his finger, but Kenya says she would elope. Nene keeps up the speculation about whether or not she and Walter are really in a relationship, and it gets a little heated as she and Kenya spit words back and forth. Kenya says Walter is the stay-at-home type, but everyone pops up and says, “I thought you told us he was a ladies’ man?” Porsha lays there mouth breathing, and Kenya confirms that no matter what, Walter has her back, while the masseuse rubs her sideboob.

We’re finally at the wedding — preparations are in full swing! Peter has the guys raking the beach, and Cynthia heads to Sandy Island with the ladies under the pretense of meeting the Prime Minister. When she arrives, she is surprised and confused, and probably a little mad that she is getting married again while wearing a crochet doily on her head. Phaedra declares Peter is “a Black angel,” and he cries as he recites his vows. Cynthia says, “I love Anguilla, I love you,” in that order, and while I’m not made of stone I could not give any shits about this ceremony. When Peter pulls out the Tiffany boxes holding their rings, you can see Cynthia tallying up how much money is missing from the Bailey Agency School of Fashion House of Doughnuts bank account. They recite some Spice Girls lyrics (two become one, your flame burns forever, do you like me check yes or no) and share a sloppy kiss. Nene catches the bouquet, causing Gregg to jump up and down, “acting like the Klumps,” and Kenya tries to drown herself in the ocean. Everyone stood on the beach like a Boyz II Men video making wishes on those hot air balloon lanterns that they released into the sky; both Kandi and Kenya’s crashed and burned, which Kandi sees as a bad omen.

After the wedding there is a party on the lanai. Kenya tosses around her gauzy Peaches n’ Cream Barbie dress, and I wonder if homie will ever take a second and figure out what colors work for her (I’m a winter, thanks). Nene says, “I’m glad we’re on this trip together,” immediately jinxing the calm vibes, and Kenya and Porsha start talking about their fight in Atlanta. As Porsha tries to describe the events at the Hosea Williams Purse Giving Fund-raising Event, Kenya gets increasingly heated; she jumps up to tell her side of the story, and all hell breaks loose. I can barely follow along as Porsha and Kenya are yelling at each other, but I did catch Kenya saying she doesn’t like being put in a corner, and Porsha AGAIN trotting out the fact that Kenya is 40 as an insult. Porsha says, “Call me bitch one more time!” to which Kenya replies, “Bitch! Bitch!” like a cranked up parrot. Nene and Phaedra are trying to hold Kenya back, and they eventually have to walk her away to the other side of the pool. While they try to calm her down, Kenya screeches, “I’m forty and fabulous, I look like I just walked off the stage!” Porsha RUNS up to her face and Kenya starts SWINGING; Nene gets Kenya in a headlock while Porsha threatens to sue if Kenya even touches her. There are some more insults and some hard truths, like Kenya yelling to Porsha that she is living off of her grandfather’s legacy and that she should maybe read a book. Taking a cue from Walter, Porsha goes to sit by herself with a glass of wine, while Kenya tells Nene, “You hit below the belt, and you’re going to get punched in the face.” Porsha calls Kenya ghetto; in her confessional, she says, “I am ghetto! But I’m also sophisticated, educated, classy — it’s all a part of my MAGIC!” Back in Anguilla she declares her pedigree: Her grandmother raised her the Christian Way® and she is not a tramp, she’s been in business for twenty years, and that she is “Fabulous! Gone With the Wind fabulous!” before twirling, twirling, twirling! like a ballerina back to her room in the best dismount from a fight I have ever witnessed.

I’m exhausted. What can possibly happen next week? What did I miss while my eyes and ears were trying to adjust to this fight?

Photo: Bravo