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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Gotta Have Faye

Last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills had less drama than last week’s shit show, but most of the craziness came from someone who wasn’t even a cast member. That’s right, this episode boasted the return of the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick, and boy were her big lips flapping. You see, Kyle, who I do not like and never will, is dear friends with that garbage person, and after a one-on-one lunch with the Res-a, Faye came along to a dinner party at the Richards home to stir shit and bully Brandi into leaving; because a woman who posed naked in order to capitalize off the murder of her then-best friend should really be throwing the first stone.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

The episode began with about twenty minutes of the fallout from last week’s Paul and Adrienne versus Brandi showdown at “Maurice’s event” (copyright Kim). The Malooves had just stormed off after Paul called Brandi a bitch and Adrienne had speculated that she was “full of drugs.” In their absence, people stammered, went slack-jawed, glared at each other, and did everything besides eat food. Mauricio, who is a good-looking guy but does not seem like a rocket scientist, muttered about how his “event” was meant to be “uneventful” and probably wouldn’t call a woman a bitch. Thanks for that, dude.

Meanwhile, Kyle confronted her sister for choosing the Mauricio appreciation gala as the appropriate place to tattle on Brandi to Adrienne. Kim would hear none of her sister’s complaints, and said as such by bleating “Heard you! Blah! Done that!” before ambling away like some kind of show horse.

And in Kim’s wake, Kyle fumed, and Taylor told her that Paul’s temper made her uncomfortable, a fact that caused Kyle to rage in her confessional suchly: “It’s not about you, Taylor!” Which means, of course that, like everything, Brandi versus Adrienne and Paul was in fact about Kyle. Oh, how I dislike her. Taylor went on to say to Kyle and Camille that these ladies have a habit of putting private things out in public. Camille took that as a reference to her confronting Taylor at Lisa’s tea party last season about not leaving Russell, even after Taylor had repeatedly told them all about the abuse she’d endured by her late husband’s hand. Basically, it looked like the producers, with the help of flashback footage and innuendo, were trying to draw out the drama at Mauricio’s party as much as it would stretch.

After that came a scene in which Lisa Vanderpump wore a V-neck T-shirt tucked into rolled-up jeans and conversed with her ailing husband, who wanted tea. Also, Martin was there. Hi, Martin!

Then, Kim went with her daughters — one of whom is named Kimberly, a thing that will never not be funny — to Pilates Plus in Studio City. As the three women moved their bodies around on silly equipment, Kim mentioned that she was nervous about going to Las Vegas with her son — whose name is either Blake, Chad, Rock, or Kimbo — to celebrate his 21st birthday. Las Vegas is a tricky place for the newly sober Kim, and therefore she was apprehensive. But she had to go, right? What young man wouldn’t want his mom there for his 21st birthday party in Las Vegas?

Back at Chez Kyle, Mauricio interrupted a photo shoot with no still camera present, featuring Kyle and her long flowing locks as mother of the year, nuzzling Portia in slow motion on a bed. Kyle fixed her lip gloss in time to meet her husband on the couch, and told him who was coming to the dinner party she’d be hosting that Friday. Naturally, Faye Resnick would be classing up the joint with her Christmas Tree hair layers. Marisa Zanuck, of course, would be there, because she’s a random ho married to a Zanuck, and in Kyle’s house, fame is character. And some other ladies would be there as well, including Brandi. What? Brandi? Mauricio frowned his tiny lips in disapproval. Brandi is a wild woman! He said, or something like it. Kyle explained that she couldn’t dis-invite Brandi, and Mauricio was like “all right, but I don’t think she’s classy.” Again — thanks for that, dude.

Then, Kyle and Faye Resnick, who DOES get the stamp of classiness approval from Mauricio, had lunch, and Kyle told her pal about the shit that went down at Mauricio’s party. Faye said “I never liked Brandi,” or something like it, and Kyle said something about how the women were more like pitbulls, which is a really terrible thing to say about pitbulls.

And then we were treated to another ad for Vanderpump Rules, wherein an employee of Lisa’s with an unspellable name (Schoonera?) was shooed away by Ms. V in her pink velour robe. The reason? Brandi would soon be coming over, and Schnauzercina used to screw Brandi’s then-husband. “But I want to apologize to her in person, preferably at Sur or Villa Bianca!” Schnorie said. “Good idea, but not now! Maybe closer to the premiere of my show,” replied Lisa.

Schnippers was gone and Brandi arrived, explaining to Lisa that the stress of the past 48 hours had been so dire, she’d picked at her face until it looked like pure HD perfection. Brandi told Lisa that she was afraid of Paul and Adrienne lashing out at her since the thing she said at Sur had come around to them. As evidence, she told Lisa that the morsel Adrienne had lobbed at her during Mauricio’s “eventful event” — the thing about how she slept until 3 p.m. and was a lousy mom — had showed up on Radar, the only tabloid Adrienne seems to have a direct line into. And Brandi said everything around the fact without coming out and actually saying it — that she was afraid that Adrienne and Paul were going to sue her. Which I guess they already have done. They are litigious people, which is what Brandi meant by powerful, and according to Brandi’s Twitter, the bits of last week’s episode that explained what the conflict actually came from were edited out because Adrienne threatened to sue Bravo; not because of some vague artistic choice.

Oh, also during this scene we cut away to Yolanda working out like crazy, in hopes of keeping her husband around, even though he goes through wives like those cartoon bears use toilet paper. Have fun with the life you’ve chosen.

I’m going to skip the scene in which Ken showed Brandi his scar, okay? Okay.

Finally, we landed at Kyle’s dinner party. Camille, Taylor, and Lisa arrived, wearing sort of glamorous business casual/summery flowy sexy things, and Kyle appeared in the last dress that the great Latina singer Selena was photographed in. Seriously, this thing was so inappropriate for hosting a party at your home, and so much like a gown you’d wear to accept a Daytime Emmy in 1986, I was actually embarrassed for Kyle. Then she started prattling on about Marisa Zanuck’s pedigree and I wanted to jump out of a window. Happy Suicide Season, by the way!

As the ladies sipped ginger pomegranate cocktails out of gigantic novelty zebra-print glasses that Pier One wouldn’t sell, Brandi arrived and shook hands with Faye Resnick, and the judgment was palpable. Faye, whose gossip seemed almost as antiquated as her cultural relevance, was still hung up on the “Brandi versus the Richards Sisters on Game Night” incident, in which Brandi accused Kim of doing crystal meth in the bathroom all night. A few things about that: Brandi has since apologized, Kim was INDEED on something that night and has since gone to rehab for it, and also, KIM AND KYLE STOLE BRANDI’S CRUTCHES AND HID THEM before that accusation was lobbed.

Speaking of Kim, when asked where she was that night, Kyle explained that her sister had gone to Vegas for her son Kimbo’s 21st birthday party without inviting her. Oops! And then Kyle said “I think we all know why Adrienne didn’t come,” and looked at Brandi because she is a very gracious hostess committed to making sure her guests all feel comfortable and welcome. In fact, Kyle kept talking about Adrienne’s absence in relation to Brandi until Marisa Zanuck asked “what happened?” and everybody had to talk about it. There again was book-deal-gate, and the matter of whether or not Adrienne had one. Brandi said, to the news that Adrienne did indeed have a book deal, “She may have just bought herself one since Ojai.” That comment wouldn’t sit well with Faye! Faye Resnick, who has nothing to say or to offer, said “Hey, that was mean!” And then Kyle piggybacked onto Faye’s sentiment and told Brandi that she should indeed apologize to Adrienne about saying the thing she’d said, and maybe send her flowers.

Faye asked Brandi what Adrienne had ever done to her, and Brandi explained that, before the reunion, Adrienne tried to loop her into a plot to gang up on Lisa. And then, when Brandi asked Faye what business any of this was of hers, Faye explained that she was good friends with Adrienne, and that, in fact, her stepdaughters used to date the Maloof boys. “Oh,” said Brandi. “OH!” said Faye, IMITATING BRANDI.

When Lisa piped up to defend Brandi, Kyle shot down Vanderfabulous, or tried to. “We know you don’t like Adrienne,” Kyle said, with the logic of a fifth grader. “That doesn’t have anything to do with anything,” Lisa rebutted. And meanwhile, the morally corruptible Faye Resnick wouldn’t give up on the notion that Brandi owed Adrienne an apology. Which is what begat the quote of the night:

“Forget the flowers!” Faye Resnick blabbered, “send her an orchid.”

Classic. Embroider that on a fuckin’ doily and ship it to Ron Goldman on the second day of shiva.

When it came to Brandi, Faye wouldn’t relent. After Brandi very accurately told Faye “You’re doing this for attention,” Faye would not let go. Faye said to Brandi that she was nasty to Adrienne and that she was nasty to Kim. “Kim and I are fine,” Brandi responded. “Really, darling?” asked Faye, or “love” or “sweetie” or something else that showed her age and her level of wit. Then why did you say she was a meth-head one billion years ago? Good point, Resnick. That should have been you in the courtroom instead of Marcia Clark. “I’m going to leave,” said Brandi, wisely. “I can’t WAIT to see what kind of things you’re going to start saying about ME,” added Faye. “I don’t care about you!” Brandi said, reflecting the sentiments of every single RHOBH viewer. And so it was done.

What did you guys think of this week’s episode? Of Faye Resnick? Are Yolanda and Taylor fading away from the cast? Let me know in the comments below and I’ll see you next time. Happy Holidays!

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