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American Horror Story Recap: So You Think You Can Trance

Happy 2013, everybody! How were your holidays?

Mine were horrible. Why? Because it's been weeks since a new American Horror Story has aired, and I haven't seen anybody masturbate while vomiting or feed people human meat in far too long. (Yes, my family's Catholic. But we stopped practicing, like, ages ago.)

Luckily, we dove right back into things last night. I gather from Twitter that some people weren't thrilled about this episode's dancing and earthy, windy, and fiery deaths. But personally, I like a little reheated ham after Christmas.

Poor Kit spends the first moments of the episode being alternately punched, slapped, and poked as Arden attempts to revive him from hypersleep. He wakes up, barely alive and asking about the aliens. That's all of us back at work this week, am I right? I mean, I know I’d like an adrenaline needle to the heart.

He tells Kit the aliens didn't come, although they did. Maybe he's shy because Pepper just Don Rickles'd him into oblivion. She says she's now Grace's protector and that the aliens think his experiments are hella lame. Pepper can talk now! Yay, Pepper. Apparently, the aliens can psychically protect Grace's baby, because, of course, why not? She tells him to go hang out with his "whore nun" because she's got this.

These are incidentally the most fertile people in the world. Do they all have super-sperm? Thank God the rest of us don't get pregnant every time we have risky sex with a gas station attendant, because babies can't eat recaps.

Speaking of the whore nun: She's hanging out with Monsignor Tim, who is not, in fact, dead. Apparently being crucified is just like having one of those aggressive manicures where they go a little nuts with the cuticle scissors. Leave it to Ryan Murphy to make being nailed to a cross seem like NBD. The totally fine monsignor has been personally instructed by the angel of death, Dita Von Teese, to get the devil out of Sister Mary Eunice. I sure hope it's as easy as getting down off of a cross, which you have been nailed to.

Sister Mary Eunice, meanwhile, has presented the inmates with a jukebox. Oh no! The devil's jukebox! In the legends I've heard, it only plays Chili Peppers songs. Here, Mary Eunice spins "I Put a Spell on You" for Sister Jude. Someone should put in a dollar and skip it for two credits. It's a bitch move, but it works.

Side note: It turns out that sister Jude's real name is Judy Martin, and let's pause for a minute. Judy Martin? What kind of white-bread name is that for a torch-singing murder drunk? I don't buy it! Unless it's a compound tribute to Judy Garland and Mary Martin, in which case, I am okay with it.

Moving on! Kit comes back, and he and Lana have a touching hug before Thredson appears. I'm not an etiquette expert, but I think when you've beaten and violated people and you show up at a place where they're enjoying some classic rock-and-roll tunes, custom dictates that you should make your excuses. But he just sashays on over and starts making small talk. This is why I don't go to parties.

Lana's attempt to abort their baby didn't work, and Thredson says he's going to keep her alive as long as it takes to have and breast-feed it. American Horror Story, now endorsed by La Leche League. He also vows to keep Kit on a short leash, who hisses, "You're one cinnamon twist," or something. I don't know — that accent is very heavy.

Thredson tells the both of them that he's full-time at Briarcliff now, but instead of being happy for him or asking about his 401k, they're concerned. Kit still has that taped confession though, hidden under the tub (Great! Great place to store your consumer electronics), so they have that going for them.

Sister Eunice does a random room check and finds a cucumber in Sister Jude's cell. "I can't have you diddling yourself all night long," she frowns. One, that’s quite a conclusion to jump to, and two, if they have fresh vegetables at this institution, maybe it is more progressive than we thought.

Arden and Eunice decide it's high time to Actifry her brain, for some reason? Is the treatment for diddling electroshock therapy? Is that what that Carrie Fisher book is about?

Later, Monsignor Tim tries to rosary-whip the debbil out of Mary Eunice, but she recites a dirty limerick (and one that I hope we all immediately rewound for memorizing purposes). Apparently this gives him an erection, because who isn't moved by great poetry? Men! Always having sex with women when they're supposed to be slaying the demons inside of us as commanded by the death angel Shacath. 

"Does it feel like a warm, wet hug?" she asks from atop him. Try this line the next time you're sexting, kids.

What's next? Oh, only a big production number to "The Name Game." Sister Jude's post-electroshock fugue makes her think she and all of the inmates and orderlies are on That Other Ryan Murphy Show. Kit, Lana, Pepper, Mr. Kelly Ripa — they all get to mashed-potato and just generally take a break from all of that raping and stabbing. Well, that's good. Everybody blow off some steam. I bet this was fun to film, right? This is like when you're being held captive by insurgents and they give you some food and a bath to create a false bond with you.

Outside, Dr. Arden sadly wheels his meat to his mutants. He's down in the mouth because he saw the monsignor in Miss Devil. He pulls out his Luger and puts down his beloved forest monsters who are like, "Nooooo, January is white sale month!" He's about to off himself and just cries instead, which disgusts Eunice, who likes her Nazis butch.

Poor Jude has been thoroughly reduced to Lochtean levels of brain function but manages to tell the monsignor to kill Mary Eunice. She also tells the Mother Superior that she's going to marry him and that they're going to co-pope together in Rome. You can't win 'em all.

Thredson sees Kit's blackmail and raises her more blackmail: Grace has somehow speed-birthed Kit's baby, which he just accepts calmly, because (say it with me) why not? Thredson won't hurt Grace or Kit's son in exchange for the tape of his confession. But when he goes to retrieve it, he finds Lana instead. She's got the tape, and what's more, she's got pluck. "I hate pluck!" Lou Grant would add if he were on this show, before killing and wearing Rhoda as a hat.

Finally: The monsignor gets his shot with Mary Eunice and tosses her over the balcony, and Frances Conroy whisks both Lily Rabe and Satan off to the after-cast-party. I hope there's a cupcake tower there; I love those. When we close, Arden climbs atop Mary’s body and rides it right into the funeral pyre in the crematorium. So he's probably dead, or just caramelizing really beautifully.

Only three episodes left to go! I hope you're already reupping your prescriptions for the season finale. See you guys next week.

Photo: FX