When the first ad for the anthology film Movie 43 debuted, everyone had the same question: “Why did these movie stars agree to do this?” When you see the movie itself, the question occurs to you so many times that it loses all meaning. (Or as our critic David Edelstein asked himself: Was everyone blackmailed to be in this movie?) Many very famous to fairly famous people — Kate Winslet, Emma Stone, Hugh Jackman, Richard Gere, Naomi Watts, Uma Thurman, Kristen Bell, Chloë Grace Moretz, Halle Berry, Terrence Howard, and many more — said and/or did pretty gross things. Though many people didn’t see it, there’s still is a desire to find exactly what went down: Who shat on whom? Who fingered whom’s mouth? Here is a list, in chronological order according to segment, of the best and worst things famous people did and said in Movie 43.
- Dennis Quaid — who in the movie is pitching the sketches that eventually make up the rest of Movie 43 to a studio executive played by Greg Kinnear — talks about driving in a car with Isabella Rossellini. But because of her lactose intolerance, he had to drive with his head out of the window. You know: farts.
- Kate Winslet goes on a blind date with Hugh Jackman. At first she’s excited, but …
- Hugh Jackman has testicles coming from his neck. Throughout the sketch, he rests them on a babies head, accidentally dips them into a bowl of vichyssoise, and when he gets cold, they retract closer to his neck.
- Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber play parents who home-school their son. But to give him a real high-school experience, Schreiber calls him a “faggot” and Watts calls him “fuck face.”
- To give her son his first sexual experience, Watts French kisses him while he just stares forward not moving.
- Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are on a picnic. Pratt is going to propose, but before he can, Faris asks, “Will you poop on me?”
- J.B. Smoove to Pratt: “She didn’t say ‘shitting.’ Shitting is something you do on a whore. Pooping is what you do on someone you love.”
- J.B. calls laxatives “poop Viagra.”
- Pratt eats a lot of tacos on the toilet and then drinks a bottle of poop Viagra.
- Pratt is ready, but Faris wants to be cute and romantic first.
- Frustrated, Pratt to Faris: “Roll over and let me shit on you.” Which causes Faris to run away.
- Chasing after Faris, Pratt gets hit by a car and poop flies all over the place.
- Faris’s response: “All of this was for me!?”
- Kieran Culkin works at a grocery store. He and Emma Stone have a fairly explicit conversation that, unbeknownst to them, is broadcasted over the store’s PA. Culkin says most of the vulgar stuff, but it really gets Stone going.
- Emma Stone to Kieran Culkin: “You look like the kid who got cancer for Christmas.”
- Culkin fingers Stone’s mouth.
- A crying Emma Stone to Kieran Culkin: “Do you still like fingers in your butt hole?”
“Superhero Speed Dating”
- Justin Long plays Robin to Jason Sudeikis’s Batman. They were very bad costumes. Long is trying to speed-date.
- Uma Thurman as Lois Lane explains that she broke up from Superman, but now the hero just floats outside her window jerking off. “His jizz is like a shotgun blast,” she says, explaining why her window is broken.
- Batman hides under the table (there is no tablecloth; he is in plain sight) for Robin’s next date, which is with Supergirl (Kristen Bell).
- Batman about Supergirl’s vagina: “Dude, it’s like a giant cornfield. I feel like at any moment Shoeless Joe Jackson is going to walk out and ask me to have catch.”
- Leslie Bibb, as Wonder Woman, talking to Batman: “Do you know what it’s like going to Planned Parenthood alone when you’re Wonder Woman?”
- Robin kisses Supergirl, only for Batman to remove her mask and reveal it’s actually the Riddler.
- Batman: “Bush that size is good for only one thing, and that thing is hiding a wang.”
- Richard Gere, Kate Bosworth, Aasif Mandvi, and Jack McBrayer have a meeting because teenage boys are trying to have sex with the iBabe, which is an MP3 player that looks like a full-size naked woman. The problem is the engineers put a small fan inside the MP3 player’s vagina and teenage boys are getting their penises mangled.
- Richard Gere: “Other MP3 players don’t have warnings not to have sex with it.”
- McBrayer introduces the iBabe special edition, which is a naked black woman.
- Gere feels up the iBabe and gets his finger slightly cut by the fan in her vagina.
- Chloë Moretz makes out with a boy on his couch.
- She stands up from the couch and you can see period blood through her light jeans. She runs to the bathroom.
- When she gets back, the young date thinks fruit punch was spilled on the couch.
- Moretz tries to hide what has happened and stands close to the wall. As she moves, we see blood on the walls.
- Christopher Mintz-Plasse, as the older brother trying to help: “I have frozen peas and a sponge.”
- Johnny Knoxville captures a leprechaun (Gerard Butler) for his roommate, Seann William Scott.
- Butler: “Do you want the lights on or off when I fuck you with a pair of rusty scissors?”
- Butler: “Lick my crusty Irish taint.”
“Truth or Dare”
- Halle Berry and Stephen Merchant are on a date. They play truth or dare.
- Berry: “Are you circumcised?”
- Berry: “I can go home and watch Family Guy.”
- Merchant buys a stripper’s outfit and strips for a bachelorette party.
- Berry stirs guacamole with an obviously prosthetic breast.
- Berry, using a turkey baster, squeezes hot sauce into her vagina.
- They both get plastic surgery. Merchant is made to look like an Asian.
- Terrence Howard:
- Jackman is dribbling water out of his mouth onto his neck-testicles and says, “I can’t fucking do it.”
- Stone: “He’s had his finger in my mouth for two minutes.”
- Berry jiggles her giant prosthetic breasts around.
- Gere, McBrayer, and Mandvi trade off saying “mangle dicks.”
- Elizabeth Banks moves in with Josh Duhamel, but Duhamel has a pet cat named Beezel that is “super silly.” (The cat is animated.)
- Banks walks in on Beezel jerking off to pictures of Duhamel.
- Banks imagines Beezel making out with Duhamel, which you see acted out in a thought bubble.
- Beezel pisses all over Banks.
- While Banks and Duhamel have sex, the camera cuts to Beezel having sex with a teddy bear while putting a brush in his own butt.
- Banks eventually hits Beezel with a shovel a whole bunch of times.
- Banks is killed by a bunch of kids.