Yesterday, to the delight of moviegoers and maple syrup fans, legendary sex therapist Dr. Ruth Westheimer tweeted out the following Oscar bet: “Lincoln wins you have sex in bedroom. Argo wins u film yourselves licking maple syrup off each other in a dark room.” That covers the Best Picture favorites, of course, but what if there is an upset? And what about the acting categories? Vulture got in touch with Dr. Ruth over e-mail to see if she could provide any further guidance, and she graciously obliged. Below, Dr. Ruth’s suggested Oscar Night Sex Bets, for use among responsible adults.
If Life of Pi wins, you get to have sex 3.14159265359 times.
If Les Misérables beats Zero Dark Thirty, you get to French kiss in the dark for 30 minutes.
If Amour wins, rush out and buy stock in Kleenex and you’ll be a winner.
If Django Unchained wins, all subs get to be doms for the night.
If Denzel wins, you make love under the bed.
If Daniel Day-Lewis doesn’t win, you give up sex for a month. (Don’t worry, it will never happen.)
If Sally Field wins, you wear a wimple to bed.
Tommy Lee Jones looks so much like the character he plays, Thadeus Stevens, that they must be related. If he wins, role-play that you and your partner are committing incest.