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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: To the Butt Cam!

The most important onscreen event last night was the premiere of Kenya’s talk-song “Gone With the Wind Fabulous” on Watch What Happens Live, but the show was kind of fun, too. We all hate Apollo now, right?

NeNe is stressed out in Los Angeles. She has uprooted her family so that she can star in The New Normal, and her cell phone will not get any reception. Life is unbearable. She needs Gregg to be a Mr. Mom and a Mr. NeNe, too, but in order to do that, Gregg says she needs to start delegating. She is, thankfully, able to furnish her new house with some statues and bags of bricks when Kenya gifts her some stuff she left in storage when she moved to Atlanta. One thing to check off the list!

Back in Atlanta, Kandi and Riley are baking a cake for Todd’s birthday. Kandi is going to throw him a surprise party and use a helicopter to get them there; Riley wants to know if she can have a helicopter ride when she turns 16, and can she also move into the guest house? Kandi’s dog chews Kandi’s foot off in advance protest.

The last time Kenya pretended to cook, she dumped some prepared foods into a pan for Walter and sabotaged him with talk about marriage. This time, she makes a watermelon salad for her aunt Lori and cousin Che. Both ladies ask Kenya what is going on, and she tells them that she and Walter are done. Once she reveals the dump, the gloves come OFF; both are equally indignant that he ignored her in a shower in Anguilla, and Che insinuates that Walter, even though he “tried to talk to her” years earlier, might be gay and looks like he is wearing a toupee. I haaaaate it when people use homosexuality as an insult, so Che is officially dead to me. The real standout of this scene is the golden jump rope Aunt Lori used as a necklace. On Watch What Happens Live, Kenya revealed that her relationship with Walter was TOTALLY REAL, Y’ALL, and that he only said that it was not to hurt her; Kenya’s feelings were genuine, and she moved to Atlanta for him. I don’t know what to think, but watching her try to date on future episodes could be fairly entertaining. Will she unhinge her jaw by shouting, “ME WANT BABY!” at anyone who gives her a second look?

Next, Kenya meets Phaedra and Apollo at a gym to see some of their donkey booty moves. Kenya talks to Apollo while Phaedra vogues in the corner and asks if there is a butt cam (of course there is). We get treated to some signature moves — the Booty Drop, which is a “squat with flair” and a little hop on your tippy toes, and the Funky Donkey, which is a cross between crab-walking and shitting in a hole. Why does Apollo look so pissed off when Phaedra is demonstrating this move and having fun with it? This is not even his idea! Kenya talks business — she’s found a distributor, but Phaedra is a little upset that Kenya had to drop her name in order to do so. She starts talking about the set, production issues, and how worried she is that she has put in six weeks of preproduction even though she’s not being paid yet. Finally, Phaedra runs through a roster of the type of butts she wants to see in the video, including “slut heinies, tootie booties, and juicy booties.” What she doesn’t want to see is Kenya getting paid.

Back in her office, Phaedra and Apollo have a brief meeting with Phaedra’s attorney, Eric; he doesn’t like the way Kenya is handling business so far, and expects a new budget today. Then he does something creepy and very weird — he hides behind a door within earshot when Kenya shows up to talk to Phaedra and Apollo. Why couldn’t Phaedra be up front with this and just have her attorney present during the meeting? Isn’t this a little bit manipulative and immature? Kenya, wearing her finest half-eaten candy necklace and carrying her mute producer Brandon, talks about the budget while Phaedra uses a little French press and prepares her finest smackdown. You see, Kenya has asked for 10 percent on the backend, meaning she wants 10 percent of all sales of the donkey booty video; Phaedra offers her ZERO percent and says she’s not sure they can work together after all; as a matter of fact, she’s already talked to Kandi’s boyfriend, Todd, who can produce the video for a fraction of the cost Kenya has provided. Kenya thinks it’s reasonable to ask for payment since she secured the production deal, and this is how she makes her living — she has handled multi-million-dollar films (Phaedra: “I haven’t heard of one of them”)! She usually gets 50 PERCENT (“Phaedra: “From who?”)! Phaedra thinks that this donkey booty video will sell itself. Who needs a distribution deal when all she has to do is shake her ass a little and watch the videos fly off the shelf, Kenya?! According to Phaedra, you wouldn’t feed Chef Boyardee to President Obama (I would), and she wouldn’t give caviar to Ayden (she would), which is an analogy I find both troubling and nonsensical, since it has nothing to do with paying someone for his or her services rendered. Kenya decides that the key is to talk to Apollo, but they leave without much progress. Eric slinks out from the shadows when Kenya leaves and says that if she’s willing to negotiate, great, but if not, they’ll find someone else.

Over in Los Angeles, NeNe tells us that Gregg is being supportive by being her chauffeur and that she is thrilled to have her own trailer on the Paramount lot. I’m bored — bored by this! Show us Ryan Murphy bursting into flames when sunlight hits his skin, or berating a woman for daring to own a vagina in his presence! No one wants to see you at WORK, NeNe.

In a tiny interstitial, Kordell brings Porsha breakfast in bed and declares his sperm to be Herculean. Porsha is disappointed in the lack of yams on the breakfast tray and gets him in a headlock with her thighs, making me think this getting pregnant thing is going to take them a while to figure out.

Kandi brings Todd to the Atlanta Jet Center and surprises him with a helicopter ride for his birthday while everyone else sets up the party. Is Phaedra organizing this? She’s buzzing around trying to coordinate where the forks should go and how much smoke should be pouring from the ice-cream dishes (was this party catered by Top Chef?). Cynthia’s crocheted hat makes an appearance, and Porsha says something inane about Todd’s childhood photos. Kenya chooses this moment to talk to Apollo about the last meeting they had in Phaedra’s office; Apollo completely throws Phaedra — his WIFE and creator of this video idea in the first place, mind you — under allllll of the buses by saying he didn’t agree with her behavior during the meeting and that Phaedra is the problem. Just selling her right out! What is his fucking problem? This is not even his baby, so to speak. Even if he disagrees with Phaedra, he could have handled it in a way that wasn’t so divisive, right? Ugh, Apollo, sit your ass down. Phaedra says that she doesn’t care if Kenya “has a prayer circle around him,” she still has to consult with Phaedra.

As Kandi and Todd fly toward the party, she’s a little disappointed that he can see everyone in the windows but excited that his mother being there will still be a huge surprise. Todd plays a good game when he walks in and feigns surprise before grabbing Kandi and saying, “I adore you, you know?” EVERY WEEK, WITH THE HEART-MELTING SWEETNESS, TODD. Please give Apollo some love lessons. His mom appears and makes him tear up, and Kandi introduces a lion cake created to commemorate not only Todd’s birthday, but also their first meeting in Africa and subsequent first kiss; Todd responds in kind by ramming his tongue into her face. Is Extreme Kissing (copyright, all rights reserved) going to be a mandatory part of every episode this season? Kenya sidles up under the pretense of saying, “Happy birthday,” but launches into business, asking Todd if he talked to Kenya about working on her donkey booty video. Kandi shuts it down, saying, “No offense, but this is his birthday, and we do not want to talk about business.” Basically, Kenya, you can “give a phone call or send a note,” but do not ruin this well-planned night, as Kandi WILL “fuck someone up about her man.”

There’s a note on the door of Cynthia’s agency warning the public that the donkey booty casting has been postponed; come to find out that Phaedra sent out a tweet telling people to show up for a casting without first talking to Cynthia, and Cynthia “I Don’t Do Pro Bono Work” was not having it. Cynthia has called Phaedra and Kenya over to have a meeting; Kenya explains that she’s not sure if she’s still working on it, then recounts the backend fiasco before Phaedra arrives. Cynthia, surprised, says that no one works for free, and she is DEFINITELY going to get paid a casting fee. When Phaedra shows up, Cynthia explains why she has canceled the casting event, and Phaedra seems surprised. Kenya says that she’s bringing the deal but is mad that Phaedra thinks she shouldn’t get a penny for her work; Phaedra, in her confessional, says, “Honey, we are out of slavery, and this is the normal course of business — you negotiate.” How does she still think she’s negotiating when she has zero dollars on the table for Kenya? I am not Kenya’s biggest fan, but I’m on her side here, even if I am surprised that she hadn’t worked this out on paper before she ever put in so much work. Kenya rightfully says that she doesn’t want to do the deal, she’s OUT, and the only thing she has gained from this meeting is that the Bailey Agency “coochie crack” embargo has been lifted.

Do you think Phaedra is right — should Kenya get nothing? Or is Kenya right to ask for payment? What about next week, when Kenya “copycats Phaedra all the way to the bank” and releases a workout video of her own? Will Phaedra get over her affliction with “full-of-shit-itis”? That sounds like a terrible sickness to have — I hope she feels better!

Photo: Bravo