Last night’s doozy of an episode left me with a few questions: Do you think Rayna just rode that hotel elevator over and over again, waiting for Deacon to step in? Or do you think she and Deacon simply have some sort of psychic elevator connection? And where were the rest of the hotel guests — did they all take the stairs? (Hooray, cardio!) And while we’re on the subject, why are kissing scenes in elevators so … damn … hot?
Anyway, those of us who saw the preview already knew that Rayna and Deacon were going to finally get their lip-lock on in the aforementioned elevator. So when they stepped into the elevator not two minutes into the show, I thought, Anticlimactic much? Little did I know that this was merely the elevator foreplay and that these two crazy kids would be drawn to that elevator like Beyoncé is drawn to a pair of leather hot pants. But can I be perfectly honest with you guys? The kiss itself was just meh. And I blame the writers.
Oh yeah, it was hot when Deacon, who voiced last night’s theme to Juliette — “There’s thinkin’ about doin’ something and then there’s just doin’ it” — took his own advice and just leaned over and planted one on Rayna. But why the hell was Rayna talking in the middle of that kiss? I mean seriously: Was she so hell bent on finishing that sentence that she had to break up the kiss to do it? (“Excuse me, beautiful man I’ve been lusting after for twelve episodes: I was talking here!”). So why do I blame the writers? They must’ve gotten fixated on the coolness of Deacon saying, “Rayna, I’m done talkin’,” and couldn’t let it go. (One day, they should release a book 0f Deacon’s macho aphorisms called Deacon’s Man Wisdom.)
I’ll say for this Teddy. When he cheats, he actually cheats. After months of Peggy practically mounting his leg whenever she saw him in private, he finally succumbed to her in a car. (Was it the fun white beret she was sporting? Because it was pretty darn fetching.) I can hardly blame the guy. Rayna has more sexual heat with her new lady guitar player than she does with Teddy.
Also transitioning from thinkin’ about doin’ something to just doin’ it was Juliette, who decided to sing one of her slow-tempo original ballads on a stripped-down stage with just Deacon. (But didn’t go as far as to lose the bright-red microphone, because that would just be crazy.) One of the things that irks me a bit about the show: Are we supposed to like Juliette’s pop confections or not? Because I was kind of digging that glitter-powered first song “I’m a Girl” — but Deacon standing onstage being all judgy and miserable served as a bit of a buzzkill. On Nashville, the general sentiment is, Pop music is bad. (And please buy this assortment of pop songs on iTunes!) The duet she sang with Deacon was beautiful, though, and the crowd seemed to eat it up with a spoon, all except for that ONE GUY ON TWITTER™.
Seriously, the crowd goes nuts, both Deacon and Juliette feel great about the song, and Juliette becomes obsessed with a single disgruntled “critic” who live-tweeted the song? Although I can see where #JulietteFail and #WantMyMoneyBack could sting, not sure I’m buying it. (Fancy use of hashtags there, fella, by the way.) Of course, ONE GUY ON TWITTER™ wasn’t the only one with a problem with the song. Juliette’s manager is getting twitchy, too. (Have we ever talked about the horrible rug he sports? Because we should — all of the time). Her pop music is his cash cow. He doesn’t want her going all arty and small-venue-ish like Rayna.
Speaking of small venues, Gunnar and Scarlett are playing a lot of them — and are broke. Plus, Gunnar has roommate problems — they have cruelly sabotaged him in the night by … drawing a giant turtle on his waist. (No clue, either.) Enough with the tomfoolery and shenanigans, boys! As a consequence, Gunnar is looking for a new place to live, and Scarlett needs some help with her rent and, hey, here’s the worst idea in the history of ideas — let’s move in together! It’s not like there will be sexual tension that could threaten to derail our entire musical careers or anything! (On that front, looks like Rayna is fixing to sign the kids to her newly formed label, per Watty White’s advice. Now that could get interesting.)
So Avery finds out they’re living together, jumps to conclusions, punches Gunnar (who heroically kinda beats the crap out of him), and goes home and breaks up with his manager, Marilyn. Because they were still sleeping together, in case you cared and/or had forgotten.
Final scenes: After that little make-out sesh in the elevator, Rayna is all hot and bothered, and she texts Deacon: “Talk? PH1?” (Is this really a time to be discussing your pH balance, Rayna?) So up he goes in that elevator of destiny and there’s a knock on Rayna’s door and … it’s Teddy.
“Noooooo!” —99.972 percent of Nashville viewers.
Deacon gets out of the elevator, sees Teddy, and has to head right back down that elevator, unfulfilled. (Please insert your own dirty “up and down” metaphor here. I can’t do all the work.) But Teddy’s not here to plead for Rayna’s love at all. His tryst with Peggy has empowered him — as sex with a lady in a sassy white beret will do. “I want a divorce,” he says.
“Noooooo!” —.0278 percent of Nashville viewers.
So that happened.
(Next week: Our short national nightmare is over. Liam is back! And is … kissing Rayna? What is she, running some sort of booth?)