Yesterday, we gave you a refresher course on all of Game of Thrones' main characters and where we had left them off. Today, we offer a refresher course on the major plot points of each episode from seasons one and two. We have more refresher courses than Varys has secrets.
Season One, Episode One: Winter Is Coming
Ned offered job. Daenerys marries Drogo for army. Queen-brother sex, Bran pushed.
Season One, Episode Two: The Kingsroad
Tyrion slaps Joffrey. Bran murder attempt No. 2. Joffrey-Arya fight — Sansa loses wolf.
Season One, Episode Three: Lord Snow
Dany preggers! Catelyn shows dagger, Littlefinger fingers Tyrion for attempted murder.
Season One, Episode Four: Cripples, Bastards and Broken Things
Ned investigates murders, bastards: “The seed is strong.” Catelyn arrests Tyrion.
Season One, Episode Five: The Wolf and the Lion
Catelyn takes Tyrion to (still-nursing!) sister. King wants Dany dead. Jaime attacks Ned.
Season One, Episode Six: A Golden Crown
Dany eats horse heart. Tyrion “confesses.” Ned discovers truth. Drogo gives Viserys a “crown.”
Season One, Episode Seven: You Win or You Die
King croaks. Ned changes will, reveals incest. Littlefinger betrays him.
Season One, Episode Eight: The Pointy End
Zombie at the Wall. Robb calls men to fight. Sansa begs for mercy for jailed Ned.
Season One, Episode Nine: Baelor
Robb victorious, Jaime captured. Dany tries blood magic. Joffrey gets Ned head.
Season One, Episode Ten: Fire and Blood
Robb: King in the North! Dany gets in fire, hatches dragons.
Season Two, Episode One: The North Remembers
Stannis: “Joffrey’s a bastard;” Joffrey kills remaining bastards.
Season Two, Episode Two: The Night Lands
Wall cries “Help! Zombies!” Crickets. Theon gropes sister. Stannis does Melisandre.
Season Two, Episode Three: What Is Dead May Never Die
Tyrion plans to send Myrcella away, finds the mole. Closeted Renly declares himself king, Brienne fights.
Season Two, Episode Four: Garden of Bones
Joffrey tortures Sansa, prostitutes. Robb intrigued by battlefield nurse. Melisandre gives “birth.”
Season Two, Episode Five: The Ghosts of Harrenhal
Smoke monster kills Renly. Arya gets favor from assassin. Dany considers marriage proposal.
Season Two, Episode Six: The Old Gods and the New
Theon takes Winterfell. Riot in the streets, Sansa almost raped. Dragon-napping!
Season Two, Episode Seven: A Man Without Honor
Jon captured by wildlings. Sansa wakes to bloody sheets. Theon presents burned kids.
Season Two, Episode Eight: The Prince of Winterfell
Arya outwits assassin. Wrong prostitute arrested. Wrong kids killed.
Season Two, Episode Nine: Blackwater
Battle of Blackwater—Tyrion galvanizes troops, saves city, gets slashed.
Season Two, Episode Ten: Valar Morghulis
Robb gets wife, Joffrey new fiancée. Jon kills fellow ranger. Dany reunites with dragons.
This piece originally appeared in the April 1 issue of New York Magazine.