The Real Housewives of Atlanta
At this point, I would rather pry out a filling with a butter knife than defend Kenya’s brand of crazy, but the resurgence of Walter is making it very difficult to figure out who’s zoomin’ whom.
We are thankfully spared the trip back to Atlanta, instead rolling right into the drama with Porsha unpacking from her chaste Las Vegas experience and Kordell finding the unused pregnancy test. Though her brain was already occupied with the intense search for her makeup bag, churning fast enough to make smoke come out of her ears, Porsha eventually comes to long enough to explain that it was a gag gift brought on by her drama queen, pickles-and-ice-cream, maybe-I-am-maybe-I’m-not antics. Kordell slams on the brakes and says WOAH: She’s not ready for a baby AND a career, not in 2013! Hasn’t she read every single article that has ever been written about women having it all?!
Meanwhile, we all bust out the Steno pads and accountant visors, trying to figure out how to turn the lifelong interests and backbreaking work of another person into a career that doesn’t involve any actual work. Porsha is worried that they’re not on the same page, and Kordell is worried that they’re not on the same planet. He asks her to take the test, and, upon reading the instructions, asks if she has to pee on the stick for two minutes, or wait for the results for two minutes? Kordell wisely councils that horses don’t even pee for two solid minutes. It is probably for the best that the test was negative.
Now that she has two estates and a few booming businesses under her belt, Kandi finally decides to build an office. She tours an empty building with her manager Don Juan (a name I will never say with a straight face) and points to all of the places she will want security doors firmly in place. I’ve been joking all season about Kandi being the embodiment of Scrooge McDuck; now that she is building a vault, I feel like I’m crafting a prophecy that only serves to make her wealthier. But it’s not all roses: She is also very stressed out about her upcoming house party! Nice try yearning to be like us normals, Mama McDuck; you’re a self-made millionaire and you want us to think a party is going to throw you off balance? Stars! They hire valets and ten-piece bands instead of putting out a plate of pizza rolls and hoping someone else brings the booze and THEY’RE NOTHING AT ALL LIKE US!
Nene is in New York City, towering over minuscule women in service elevators, oiling up her legs for Kelly Ripa, and running from one talk show to the next while she promotes The New Normal. I think the one-two punch of the visit to Los Angeles and trip to Las Vegas probably gave her enough of this crew for a while.
Cynthia tries to keep her tits in a strapless dress long enough to have a conversation with Peter about his upcoming party, an event to “promote men’s health awareness to Atlanta’s social elite.” In between outfit selections, they discuss the fact that Peter invited Walter, Kenya’s ex, to the party because he “vibed” him in Anguilla, which I’m translating as “he, too, is a D&D fifth level Beguiler who stays all the way drunk.” They discuss whether or not there would be some friction since Kenya was definitely going to attend before deciding eh, screw it — let her fight her own battles! Neither picks up the phone to discuss the potential tension with Kenya, because that makes them seem like decent friends.
Unable to sustain the weight of two thoughts arguing for space at once, Porsha reveals to Kordell that the other women think he is controlling. Kordell invoked some mush-mouthed trickery, saying, “I’m in control, but I’m not controlling.” It was incredibly difficult to concentrate during this scene, since the star of the show is the GIGANTIC portrait of the couple hanging over Kordell’s shoulder. In the picture, he is giving a megawatt smile directly to the camera, while she caresses his face and gazes off to the corner, mouth breathing and thinking about yams. Finally someone has taken up the Kim Zolciak mantle! Controlly Controlerson makes Porsha cry when he says he will not hire a nanny if they have kids, expecting her to stay at home. She has a choice: have a career, or take care of Control AltDelete Jr. and UpUp DownDown LeftRight LeftRight B-A-Control when the yams kick in and the babies finally arrive.
Everyone starts arriving for the men’s health awareness party, the only party in town where attendees get their sack squeezed at the door. Everyone looked very nice, even Kenya in her bridal white Grecian gown. Walter arrived solo before her, and she saunters in with friend and former NFL player Jamal Anderson. I thought Porsha was going to throw a bucket of cold water on the pair when she revealed that he was friends with Kordell, but Cynthia got between them to divert attention and reveal to Kenya that Walter is on the premises. Kenya makes a dig about his being a tow truck driver while Phaedra and Apollo show up to promote their workout video. Leon, Cynthia’s ex, takes to the stage as some sort of emcee and sweetly talks about his friendship with Peter. Why didn’t he host the pageant? He is an eloquent speaker AND owns a suit, which is more than I can say for Boris Kodjoe.
When Kenya sits down at her table (thankfully not near Walter), she announces to Kandi and Porsha that she is throwing a costume party to celebrate and honor iconic black women in film, and everyone has to come dressed as an iconic black woman from film! But before they got to attached to a role, Kenya then assigned them actresses — Cynthia would be Diana Ross, Kandi would be Tina Turner, and Porsha would be Halle Berry from B*A*P*S.
I repeat: Porsha. Was Assigned. Halle Berry. From B*A*P*S.
I don’t know why she was insulted (that movie is goddamned hilarious), but Porsha raised a “hell no!” flag, preferring Halle Berry as Dorothy Dandridge. Kenya put the kibosh on that, saying, “it’s my party so you have to come however I want you to come.” The icing on that shit-covered cake was Kenya immediately revealing that she would “have to be the bigger person” where her feud with Porsha was concerned directly after assigning her THE ROLE OF NISI IN B*A*P*S. I don’t think that phrase means what you think it means, Kenya. Meanwhile, Walter is talking to the men folk about Anguilla and his refusal to have sex with Kenya because she is “too old” for him. He joshed about liking his women how he likes his rims — “22s, 24s and 26s” — and I am officially over the supposed joke of Kenya being old. You have nothing else, Walter? I’ve only been watching the woman for a couple of months and have enough material to build a twelve-volume series of YA novels about her. Kenya is over in the corner making up with Phaedra (and assigning her the party role of Eartha Kitt), wishing that Walter would just “be gone.”
A costume storeowner hung out their finest mannequin from a glass box dangled from a tree, a signal that they were open for Kenya and Cynthia’s business as they got a head start on their costumes and talked about Walter. Kenya wants to know why he keeps showing up, and Cynthia wants to know why Kenya cannot handle even hearing his name. They both agree that Atlanta is small, and that Cynthia should set Kenya up with someone, since she is a “chocolate playground.” I’m still trying to figure out when these two became legitimate friends. Kenya says that she “has never even seen Walter with an erection” and intimates that he is gay, which is just so many levels of bullshit — much as I cannot stand them constantly capping on Kenya’s age, I am not the one when it comes to using gay as a pejorative form of revenge. Be better than that, Kenya — Sheree and Marlo already went through this last year!
It’s finally time for Kandi’s party. She puts on her best reverse tuxedo and leads everyone to the party house, a second house she has just for parties, after giving Cynthia and Peter a tour of the newly decorated main house. Porsha thinks “there has to be a butler somewhere” when she and Kordell arrive, and Walter sneaks in with a date while Phaedra hoofs it up the driveway. Walter reveals that he’s ready to “move forward,” but also is planning on confronting Kenya. Kordell, of all people, talks him out of it, while his date sits in a chair by herself picking at her drink. Walter literally spent more time exchanging “mmm hmmmms” with Phaedra than he did with his date, proving that you do not need to use possible gayness as an insult: You can just point out that he is an unrelenting dickhead and leave it at that.
When Kenya shows up, Walter starts laughing like Muttley; Kandi leads her downstairs (to the indoor pool) under the pretense of giving a tour, but really explaining that Walter is there. Kenya flips out while Kandi tries to tell her that she was not the one who invited him, but it doesn’t matter — Kenya “doesn’t have her security” and feels like she’s being stalked, so she bounces faster than you can say “twirl.”
Next week, Phaedra does her video, Kandi asks Todd about prenups, Cynthia and Kenya’s friendship is short-lived, and Nene chokes when Gregg asks her to marry him again.