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The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap: Housewives in Paris and They Going Gorillas

This week on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kim acted insane, Kyle confronted Lisa at the top of the Eiffel Tower, and Ken and Mauricio bopped around Paris on Segways like a couple of dorks. Also, a duck was murdered for a lousy meal.

First, however, we had to watch two thin women exercise. Ugh, do I hate footage of jogging. Or running. Whatever you call it, I hate watching it. Yolanda and Brandi sprinted around Paris in matching capri leggings and Lululemon hoodies at the crack of dawn while they talked to each other about how much fun it was to model. I know this is the part of the show that should be fun — a bird’s-eye view into an otherwise exotic counterculture one would otherwise never know about — but I’m personally in the feelings-eating portion of what seems like the longest winter of all time, and I guess I just don’t want to hear how much fun it is to be thin and perfect? I’d rather feel sorry for models. Didn’t that one commit suicide? And that other one — didn’t she bone a magician?

Anyway, Brandi and Yolanda get along. That was basically the point of that scene, besides making me feel bad for not working out while there are PERFECTLY GOOD GINGERBREAD LOAVES TO INHALE. Incidentally: The only thing I hate more than watching people run is hearing people TALK about running. So CAN IT, Haruki Murakami! Can it right up.

After that scene, Ken and Lisa hung out with Kim, who babbled on indiscriminately about how one day, she’d like to make Lisa a salad and how she enjoys Ken’s company in general. “How’s your relationship with your sister?” Lisa asked, cut-to-the-chase-ily. In response, Kim pretty much lowered her flood-gums. “She was supportive when I was in rehab, but since I got out she doesn’t talk to me,” slurred Kim. And Lisa added that she, too, had felt the chill of Kyle. She said that their relationship had changed since the reunion, and even though they had hashed out their differences, Lisa still believed that Kyle would never have her back.

Later that day, Lisa and Ken got together with Yolanda, who had the courtesy to brush most of her extensions into two messy bun-tails. The three of them talked about how wackily Kim had been acting of late, and they all agreed there was a good chance that Kim was taking prescription meds that increased her loopiness. They said, “Let’s look out for Kim,” and alluded to the fact that they would all be taking a cooking class later on, and hopefully Kim would wake up in time to take that class with them and not pass out or disappear or otherwise act erratically.

Welp, that wasn’t the case. Around 6 p.m. that day, the ladies gathered in the lobby; Yolanda in a crisp nautical blazer, and Lisa in a lingerie robe. Because Kim didn’t show up, Kyle and Yolanda rapped on her hotel door until she answered, sleepily. “I’ll be right down,” muttered a barely cogent Kim, and the ladies waited for her downstairs until she made good on that promise.

And while Brandi, Kyle, Lisa, and Yolanda waited for Kim, Kyle used her ol’ “If I had a dollar for every time I said ‘Where’s Kim?’ I’d be a millionaire” mainstay and the other girls just repeated the phrase déjà vu like it was the only French they knew. When Kim finally made it to the minivan, Lisa asked her if she’d taken any sleeping pills, which ruffled Kim’s feathers — apparently, that would have been a breech of her sobriety. Then Lisa made a joke about how the reason they all decided to take a cooking class had to do with their mission to get Kim out of bed. Offended, Kim pointed out to Lisa that she had been with her and Ken that afternoon, and therefore resented the accusation that she’d been sleeping away the day. That was a little confusing. It was almost like Kim was playing alibi with that factoid? Like “I couldn’t have broken my abstinence, you were with me the whole time?” Even though she trailed off in her confessional when she tried to name Lisa and Ken’s post-Kim destination. (It was the Notre Dame Cathedral.) So, Kim got defensive with Lisa in the car, and when the ladies finally arrived at the cooking school, Kim lagged behind in the car to talk to Kyle and cry while the rest of the ladies went inside and prepared to ruin dinner.

Kim cried about how Lisa had hurt her feelings, and Kyle made her best, slow-blinky “understanding face” for the cameras. It’s so sad to see that Kim’s emotional age is identical to the one at which she reached fame. Even though I believe that recovery can cause miracles, I don’t think that Kim’s feelings will ever mature beyond age 11.

Lisa came out to the car with concern in her face, and the Sisters Richards iced her out. “When you see people having an intimate moment, they should respect that,” Kim said about Lisa’s invasion. Remember when Kim and Brandi had the same kind of moment and Adrienne trampled on it? Those were the days. The days when Adrienne was in the cast — remember? And apparently, bitch isn’t showing up to reunions now? Sue her, Bravo. Sue her, sue her, sue her and the surrogate she rode in on.

Finally, all of the Housewives came in and participated, more or less, in the cooking lesson. Kyle said a couple of opt-y out-y things about how she’s never eaten duck and would therefore never cut one up, then freaked out about her hair while Yolanda chased her with sections of the raw, beheaded fowl. Brandi flirted with the instructor, Lisa stirred cherries, and Yolanda mentioned about seven or eight times how much she loved her husband. It was a sexless night in Paris.

By the time Mauricio and Ken arrived to eat the meal the ladies had prepared, the Kim Situation was the talk of the town, or at least the only thing they had to whisper about, because Yolanda was sick of hearing about it at full volume. Lisa whispered to Mauricio that Kim had lost her shit after she joked about her snoozing through the class, and Yolanda shushed her schoolmarmishly. Also, the duck sucked. What a waste.

The next day, Yolanda went shopping with Mauricio and the Richards Sisters, and Kyle alluded to the opening of her new garbage store, where she will slap her name on disgusting fashions that make women look stupid. Soon we’ll all suffer through that experience together, and we’ll catch up with Faye Resnick as well. BTW: Do you guys think the MCFR is lined up to replace Adrienne next season? Discuss.

While Yolanda, Kim, Kyle, and Mauricio shopped, Kim took her butt-hurt feelings for a spin around the sale rack. She told Yolanda and Kyle how bullied she felt by Lisa. How cruel her joke was. How callous her insinuation that she had taken sleeping pills was, however totally grounded in reality. And Yolanda totally got onboard! “If Lisa were really concerned about you, she would have called you today,” said Yolanda. What? Where was she coming from with that, besides the Netherlands?

Around this time, Kim also told Kyle that Lisa had told her, when the two of them were talking shit about Kyle together, that Lisa had said her relationship with Kyle had changed. And that made Kyle super upset for some godforsaken reason probably having to do with needing to be loved all the time by everybody, in a way I’m sure former child actors relate to when they’re not twitching involuntarily in response to a conversation partner’s eyes drifting away from them for a split second.

Kyle told Kim she should talk to Lisa, and Kim said, “You should talk to her, too.” And then Yolanda bought some shit and Mauricio surprised Kim with a purse he got her, before running off to meet Ken so the two of them could jackass-around together on Segways in Paris.

Finally, the girls all went to the top of the Eiffel Tower to check out the view, then segment off into cliques and alternately bicker and eavesdrop. Kyle took the occasion to confront Kyle about … well, nothing really in particular. Just that she didn’t really feel they were cool. And Lisa said, “I thought we discussed this,” and Kyle was like, “Yeah, but you said our relationship wasn’t the same,” and Lisa said, “Well, it’s not.” “But why are you and Brandi best friends?” asked Kyle. “Have you replaced me with her?” “Er, calm down,” said Lisa’s eyes alone. “TELL ME YOU LOVE ME!” Kyle blurted, as tears borne from desperation sprouted in her eyes. “Um, okay, I love you,” conceded a cornered Lisa. And then there was a hug and nobody jumped off the tremendous height in order to plunge to a quasi-romantic death. Congrats, girls.

Next time: Taylor is back, and it looks like she’s fueding with Yolanda! Kyle’s stupid store opens! And is Adrienne Maloof gone for good? We’ll have to find out together. Until then, my feathery pals.

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