Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Dominic Dierkes (@dominicdierkes) is a proud member of DERRICK comedy in addition to being a podcast host and a nice enough individual to share some of the wisdom behind a few of his funny tweets.
“This is a big pet peeve of mine. Everyone’s tired, right? No one’s getting as much sleep as they want. So, why do people talk about how little they slept as if they’re heroes: ‘Well, I tried to fall sleep last night but then I couldn’t until I did and even THEN it wasn’t enough! I might be the strongest person ever.’”
“Falling asleep to Netflix documentaries is one of my favorite past times. And maybe this is just my personally recommended Netflix experience, but my options always fall into one of those three categories. Most of the time, I choose SPACE BE CRAZY documentaries. Just because they don’t keep me awake and then I don’t have to talk about how tired I am the next day.”
“Any time someone stops responding to me, I’ve found the healthiest option is to just assume its the worst case scenario and then rock back and forth muttering in despair until they text back. I’m a big fan of competing against my own imagination for my happiness.”
“Why not, right? A pre-cracked iPhone screen would have the same appeal as a pre-frayed hat brim. Wouldn’t require much more on the assembly line, either. Just hire a guy with a tack hammer to give each one a good whack. Come to think of it, why didn’t I take this idea to Shark Tank?”
“I don’t want to get into this one too much, but I will say that it is NOT a loophole. Please learn from my mistake. It definitely violates the restraining order and no matter how nicely you ask, she’s just never gonna climb up that rope ladder.”
Even though Dominic is never going to win the award for World’s Greatest Ex, he might have what it takes to someday win World’s Greatest Dad.
As long as he stops getting wasted.
And if he stops being a shoe.
Dierkes has some good ideas that will ultimately be obfuscated by idiots.
Dominic is not in control.
He has extra money to spend.
Definitely has a positive attitude.
The future is working out great for him.
That isn’t to say that Dominic doesn’t sometimes live in fear.
Not feeling safe is what is wrong with America.
Dominic does not have a wife or child, no matter what he tells you.
He thinks it’s humid out.
Complaining about a lack of sleep is such a pet peeve of his, Dominic is willing to sacrifice people’s lives to get his rest.
And legally there’s nothing you can do about it.
If you don’t like it, come and get him in Big Bear Lake, California.