Follow Friday: Patricia Lockwood (@TriciaLockwood)

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Patricia Lockwood (@tricialockwood) is an honest to goodness published poet. She was kind enough to talk about what was going through her mind when writing some of her funniest and/or mind-bending tweets.

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“The funniest thing to me in a joke is to pretend that I’m a novel and that something sexual is happening to me. Anything! I’m ‘Great Expectations’ and you fake an orgasm with me and I freak out so bad that we never get married. I’m ‘The Secret’ and you read me out loud to a hot middle-aged mom while Oprah watches. Dan Brown was an obvious choice.”

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“I love when sports games are happening on Twitter because people who are usually writing surreal, intellectual jokes are suddenly screaming, ‘Get in the pocket, Dwayne! Bounce the nugget! Put it in the hole!’ I wanted to write about sports too! So I thought, ‘I will write about how it looks like a reverse cow to me.’”

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“It was the morning of the Mayan apocalypse. I thought, ‘Haha! The apocalypse! What if there were a baby playing peekaboo during the apocalypse and then being like DOUBLY what the fuck because it opened up its eyes and the world was gone? Haha!’ That’s the sort of idea I have: terrible. I have terrible ideas. Anyway, so then I was writing a bunch of tweets from the point of view of that confused dumb existential baby, alone in the universe and wetting itself with fear for the human future.”

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“Oh my god, do you remember the early days of the Occupy movement when the grunty wiggy fatcats were pointing their fingers and going, ‘How about you Occupy … a Job,’ and then leaning back smugly like they’d delivered God’s own zing? This is one of those tweets that wasn’t even a joke, just some awful shit that Rush Limbaugh was saying heightened by an eighth of a degree.”

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“Twitter is the best because if you write something like this ten people will respond in unison, ‘The map is not the territory, bitch!’ I like to leave little philosophy cheeses out for my little philosophy rats to snatch and eat.”

When Patricia isn’t feeding twitter vermin, she is tending to the wolves.

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Lockwood is jealous of canines, just like everybody else.

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And wants to teach a lucky fellow a neat trick.

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In the not too distant future, Patricia will be focusing her attention on a different species.

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But she’ll still relate the most to the dolphins.

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She is waiting for an answer on Paris.

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Lockwood put plain old rocks into a whole new, somewhat disturbing light.

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Patricia was a popular Philosophy student.

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Lockwood misses Bob Ross, just like everybody else.

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Patricia knows how tough men are.

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Even the less fortunate ones.

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She thinks the POTUS was a little too theatrical and a sore winner when he got re-elected.

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She is investigating several disappearances at the local TJ Maxx.

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It’s possible that she is responsible.

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But you shouldn’t worry about it. There is always a satisfactory explanation for everything.

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