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self-debasement

Every Low Point of Lindsay Lohan’s Anger Management Episode

Oh yeah, Lindsay Lohan was on Anger Management last night! Did you forget (that this show was even still on)? Well, we'll gingerly walk you through every self-debasing beat of Lohan's guest-star stint, where she played herself as a scratchy-voiced actress-felon who hires Charlie Sheen as her therapist, bangs him, then gets arrested. (The two stars are a regular Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan when it comes to parodying Lohan's legal troubles, as they can also be seen sending up her image in this week's Scary Movie 5.) If you missed the episode or simply cannot bring yourself to watch it, let the following lowlights catch you up to speed.

  • The episode begins with Lohan's arrest in front of Charlie Sheen's house. When a cop opens the passenger-side door of her car, countless empty bottles of alcohol come spilling out. "It's all your fault, Charlie!" Lohan rasp-screams.
  • Lohan is led into a cop car as the paparazzi take her picture.
  • Flash-back 72 hours. "According to TMZ, Lindsay Lohan's going to have an anger-management therapist on the set of her new commercial," says a girl in this episode (listen, we're tourists, we're not going to learn these characters' names). She adds, "Apparently, they're afraid she's going to lose it."
  • Lohan begins the next scene dressed in a midriff-baring Sailor Moon outfit, talking directly to camera. "Hi, I'm Lindsay Lohan, and I love the taste of alcohol," she says. According to a laugh track loop excavated from an old ALF soundboard, this is a startlingly funny joke.
  • A man in a panda suit sidles up to Lohan, because this is all part of a Japanese commercial she's filming. "Thank you, Booze Bear," Lohan says.
  • Booze Bear hands her a gum package emblazoned with the words "#1 Happy Whiskey Chew."
  • "There's no alcohol in it, so I won't get drunk, but I still might wake up with a stranger," Lohan winks to camera, as Booze Bear begins to make "I'm gonna fuck you" hip thrusts in Lohan's general direction.
  • "What the fuck!" Lindsey bleep-rasps to the director as she stomps off. "Now I'm having sex with a bear? Are you kidding me? Fucking really?"
  • The director warns Lohan that if she won't return to set on time, she'll be in breach of contract. One wonders whether this line was delivered on day two of the Anger Management shoot, when Lohan notoriously showed up four hours late.
  • Lohan begins a sentence by saying, "I know you're probably going to think that I'm some whiny spoiled actress ... "
  • Lohan ends a sentence by saying, " ... Now I'm some drunk who has sex with bears for gum."
  • "I think you're exactly what I need," Lohan tells Sheen. "An enabler?" he replies.
  • "I'm trying to break my old destructive habits," Lohan tells Sheen, as we smash cut to the two of them sweaty in bed, Lohan nestled in Sheen's glistening armpit. Take a moment if you need.
  • The morning after, Lohan enters the kitchen wearing only Sheen's shirt, which says "THERAPISTS DO IT ON THE COUCH."
  • "Let me tell you something I learned about celebrities last night," Sheen tells his neighbor. "They're just like regular people ... " wait for it … wait for the leer … "They take my pants off one leg at a time."
  • "How about we just … stay in bed all day?" Lohan proposes to Sheen. The ellipsis demarcates the moment when you can sense Lohan screwing up all of her courage to finish the line.
  • "I would, but I have to go to prison," Sheen says. "For how long?" asks Lohan. "About an hour," he says. Lohan takes a deep breath: "Wow, you have a great lawyer."
  • Lohan asks to tag along as Sheen goes to play therapist at the prison, since it will knock an hour off her community-service requirements. "I don't think it should be a problem. They know me at all the prisons and jails," she says.
  • Sheen and Lohan touch their lips together kiss. Eek.
  • At the prison, a weird cannibal tells Lohan, "I bet you taste like raspberries."
  • Another prisoner asks how Lohan gets her eyes to look so cute "even when you're dragging ass."
  • On her way out of the prison, Lohan says, "If anybody asks, I was here for the full hour." After she leaves, the prisoners ask if Sheen is "jamming her."
  • Back at Sheen's place, Lohan asks him to be her date to a party. "Maybe at the end of the night, I'll let you take off my dress," she says. He replies, "Maybe I'll let you, Lindsay Lohan, take off my socks."
  • Sheen's daughter and ex-wife arrive, and when the ex-wife goes into Lohan's bag to grab a pen for an autograph, she pulls out her daughter's sunglasses. "How did those get in there?" Lohan asks.
  • Lindsay whines that she really wanted Sheen's family to like her. "You know what?" Sheen says. "I think someone just stole my heart." She glares at him: "Too soon."
  • An alert on Lohan's phone reads: "LiLo Steals Sunglasses from Mentally Disturbed High School Student."
  • As Sheen mentions that he just took Lohan grocery shopping, she says wanly, "I guess it was one of the most normal things I've done since Parent Trap."
  • Sheen sexy-feeds Lohan some powdered doughnuts from the grocery bag. 9 1/2 Weeks, this is not. The white powder gets all over their faces before a paparazzo appears at the door to take their photo. Whoops!
  • Lohan (in a robe and black lingerie) tries to figure a way out of this mess, since the paparazzi have descended on Sheen's house after the powdered-doughnut coke photo. He apologizes. Says Lohan, "Charlie, if there's one thing you should know, it's that when a guy apologizes to me, it's a real turn-off."
  • An old man who Sheen is counseling tells Lohan, "You're the problem with America." She replies, "Thank you. I get that a lot."
  • A girl who Sheen is counseling disguises herself as Lohan to fool the paparazzi ... but she screams at them and flips them the bird.
  • Sheen attempts to pluck a loose thread from Lohan's dress and the entire garment falls apart, leaving her in just a strapless bra.
  • "I already deleted you from my phone," Lohan tells Sheen as she gets in her car to drive away. And as soon as she is out of the frame: CRASH. "Oh, the cops are here," Sheen quips. Must be Tuesday.