Modern Family Recap: Clameron

Photo: Peter "Hopper" Stone/? 2013 American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
Modern Family
Episode Title
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Editor’s Rating

It feels so, so good to be right, to triumph, to be a success — especially when it involves money and one-upping your significant other, the person you love and cherish and want to be better than, simultaneously. Tonight’s episode won’t teach us why, but it sure will remind us of the fact. Toldja so could wind up on the headstone of almost any one of these characters.

But for now, here’s the whole gang together again, positioned to offer a big awww at the idea of Luke growing a mustache. Luke will never grow a mustache. Until he becomes Adult Luke from last week, the one with the decadent beard.

Phil delivers a grotesque/great pun duet in the guise of speech — Clameron/clamorin'. Clameron as Claire/Cameron's celebrity couple name is pretty inspirational. What would some other good ones within Modern Family be? I’ll start: Lilaley. Phuke. Manchell.

Mitch's aggrieved talking head aside ennumerating all the ways to say I was right and you were wrong is downright musical.

Manny aspires to a life as a professional Broadway enthusiast. Jay aspires to a life as Jay Leno. Make of these things what you must. Here's our first look at Jay holding his baby, Stella, while Gloria holds the human baby. Fun fact: The house-flipping plot has suddenly gotten as much time as Fulgencio-Joe.

Gloria's Javi-heir is a Ph.D. called Trish, who is not the actress who played Adult Alex last week, no matter how many times I check IMDb. Trish loves Manny, she uses the word chivalrous with aplomb, and she shows alarming aloofness regarding when it’s okay to reference classical art in average American conversation (never).

Gil Thorpe, a shadow-casting hybrid of Chuck Norris (legendarily capable) and Voldemort (he who must not be named) in Phil's universe, is revealed to be Rob Riggle, a top-ten lovable asshole in the history of laughmaking. Gil brings out great things in Phil. Things like "prepare to Phil the agony of Dunph-eat." And it looks like Riggle is set to return next week, too.

Jay shows off his petrifying butler dog statue. Art genius Trish approves. A butler-dog with the ears the size of sleeping bags definitely echoes Warhol. Art art art. Manny's stepmom-to-be is a better match with Manny's personality than his first stepparent, Jay, but we're not going there. We're going to Gloria Is Jealous and Feels Inadequate Zone because ugh.

This could just be a me thing, somewhat related to murderously hating charades also being a me thing, but if I have to watch a charades scene, I don't want it to last more than ten seconds, tops.

Ed O'Neill makes sipping an old, theoretically impressive wine look painful; then Jay says how delicious he finds the wine. I'm completely thrown off. Is there poison in it? Is the episode going somewhere new? Will this be at all like Clue: The Movie?

We’re politely asked to believe that Mitch has never purchased beer. It's worth it for the idea of beer being so foreign to him that he has no clue how much is a lot. The family's obsessive Zack-ification of the house is ready. We’re treated to the beginning of "Super Freak" more than once. (As good an opportunity as any to recall Paul Dano's "Super Freak" dance moves in Little Miss Sunshine. One of the best things to happen in 2006.) Ira Glass's voice pops in to say David Sedaris's name and to just be Ira Glass's voice. They shut that shit down before bro-dude Zack gets NPR’d into a pumpkin or something.

Javier says ¡ay, caramba! That's happening. (Jay's calm, bored protestations for Javier not to kick in the door, not to burn down the house, though? .) Trisha Whose Name We've Learned Despite the Fact We'll Never See Her Again has a breakdown over Gloria's body and general loveliness. You were upset for nothing, Gloria. She’s just another admirer. You will live and be loved forever.

A couple of weeks ago, we saw a Skyfall plot oddly placed months after Skyfall was in theaters. But how about the timing on Haley shouting that she'll be at Coachella? COACHELLA IS LIKE TOMORROW.

Mitch so wants to scream I. TOLD. YOU. SO!!! that a pint glass shatters in his flustered grip. Or maybe he's not upset and it's just the unfamiliarity-with-beer thing. There’s a learning curve.

Ty Burrell blinks the behemoth Rob Riggle into submission.

Mitch's reward for staying the demonic urge to berate his partner? Cam sneak-attacks with his own toldja so. No good deed goes un-toldja so’d.

The show’s not back till May 1, when it starts airing its last four episodes of the season. Have a restorative and fulfilling few weeks till then. Watch out for Thorpedos.