Follow Friday: @EmilyMayaMills

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Emily Maya Mills (@EmilyMayaMills) is an actor, writer and standup, who LA Weekly recently said could be the next Carol Burnett. She was kind enough to stop tugging her ear for a few minutes to talk about a few of her funniest tweets.

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“I’d say this is pure hypochondria but hypochondria is for babies. It’s more bona fide adult death anxiety. When my anxiety is at it’s worst, I presume I’m dying a lot. I was probably just walking down the street, smelled toast, thought I was having a stroke and then realized it was kind of sweet smelling. Then, imagining about what kind of Frenchy-oui-oui-honk-honk stroke that would make it reminded me that I’m just an an absurd person who’s stuck alive for a while and needs to f*ing relax.”

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/231086500677312512”]

“Trying to figure out how to boycott faith-based politics on a micro-level is like a Chinese finger-trap for your brains. (Especially if you imagine dicks instead of fingers.)”

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“‘Suggestions for Emily: The Will [a doc series about families fighting over inheritances] and Super High Me.’ Both remarkable exhibitions of journalistic brilliance, but Netflix definitely thinks I’m drooling all over my Lotto tickets.”

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“Just taking a moment to revel in the lackluster reality of our hearts’ wildest emotion.”

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“I didn’t grow up poor but my parents’ middle-class approach to life lessons meant that I had to work if I wanted things. I entered the workforce when I was twelve like a depression-era waif and didn’t take a vacation until recently. iPads strike me as extravagant and that signature always feels like a punch in the gut from a guy named Cameron. But I totally want one.”

(Emily concluded her email response to my initial quotes request with “Sent by burning arrow.”)

If she ever does get that iPad, you know she would be careful.

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Emily is not much of a risk taker.

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She used to have her shit together.

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But now Mills is usually on the internet.

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She knows better than to not complain on it.

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But doesn’t know well enough to vet her Facebook friends.

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Emily is “Breaking Bad rich” without selling any meth.

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/227483381208862720”]

Yes, the smell of toast is associated with death, but that isn’t the only food smell that bugs Mills.

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/134769515136434178”]

But you can’t go wrong with gravy!

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/116285678299529218”]

Emily has evolved.

[blackbirdpie url=”http://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/54276559695122432”]

She is not immune to karma.

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Mills wants you to like her for her mind. And its selection on tap.

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If only all arguments were hashed out through Cheap Trick lyrics.

[blackbirdpie url=”https://twitter.com/emilymayamills/status/322950625618976768”]

And celebrities were truly just like us.

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Emily had her hands in the air like she is really ambivalent.

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As if this shit isn’t serious.

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