Yesterday, Samuel L. Jackson asked the Reddit community to write him a 300-word monologue, promising that he’ll record a video of himself reading the monologue that gets the most upvotes tonight. Comedian Eugene Mirman (Bob’s Burgers, Flight of the Conchords) rose to the challenge and crafted the following crazy 300-word monologue, which you can go to Reddit and support before it’s too late and Samuel L. Jackson chooses a boring monologue that isn’t written from the perspective of a blowjob glove inventor:
God, I’m so sleepy. My elbow hurts. My knees are bruised. I’ve been up for hours trying to literally fill her pussy with cream cheese. Why? I don’t know. Started as a joke and then a dare. We were all drunk and I think I ate a pot-scone, and then — BAM! — “Fill my pussy with cream cheese! I fucking dare you!” I’m sure of two things — she’s got balls and also, she does not actually have balls. But it’s not even fucking real cream cheese. She’s vegan (and actually, a really, really great singer-songwriter). So, it’s actually tofu cream cheese with scallions or some-shit. Can’t even believe we found some down here. Whatever.I’ll be honest, for the first five minutes it was actually a pretty neat-o thing to get to do. Still, now, hours later, how is there still room for more cream cheese? I’m pretty sure her pussy is eating it! Ha! Who would’ve thought that a month after a coordinated terrorist strike on most of the world’s nuclear reactors, I’d be in some bunker in Amherst, MA with a bunch of 20-somethings, drinking, doing dumb dares, and waiting to see if the world was still around?I didn’t really play Truth or Dare growing up — once when I was 16, I had my first kiss, and then 30 years later on a flight from Newark to LA when some guy from Cold Play dared me to yell at him until he shit himself. 4 minutes 58 seconds. I’m a scary motherfucker.It’s funny, down here, I’ve had the time to work on lots of projects I never had a chance to — I built a blowjob glove that works in the dark and re-recorded R.E.M.’s Automatic For the People with more swears. Goodnight, friend. I fucking love you.