Smart Social Media Solutions For You and Your Business, by Brandon Hartley

Hello there!

You may have heard your colleagues talking about this exciting, new thing called “social media” during your most recent five-martini lunch at wherever big, important business people like you dine on a Wednesday afternoon. Well, we here at Bringman Utilities Linux Litmus Systems Hyper Industries Tech are here to help you with our innovative global online marketing arrangement integrations.

So what’s a “innovative global online marketing arrangement integrations”? To put it in simple terms, our highly experienced team successfully engages multiple open-source communities and 21st-century public relations-centric social media circles in order to deploy and maximize your brand, products, and/or company’s accurate engagement exposure using highly sophisticated web tools and a wide spectrum of other solution-focused techniques.

Does your deep-pocketed Fortune 500-company need assistance with newfangled doohickies like Twitter, Facebook, Wikipedia, Google+, LinkedIn, Pinterest, Yelp, Vine, YouTube, Foursquare, Instagram, LiveJournal, Grindr, Blogger, Admiral Ackbar memes, Craigslist, Redtube, Xbox Live, the World Wide Web, Netscape, the Information Superhighway, ColecoVision and/or whatever an “app” is? Sure, we can do all of that stuff! We’ve been an industry leader in the field of social engagement since we registered our domain name on GoDaddy last Thursday.

If it’s some sort of online whatyamacallit and you’re only vaguely aware of it because you heard Bret Baier mention it on Special Report six months ago while you were having passionless sex with your hate-filled, fifty-something wife as you struggled to maintain a mental image of Jennifer Lawrence writhing around nude on the Cornucopia in that Hunger Games movie that your daughter won’t stop watching on Netflix, we’d be more than happy to charge you tens of thousands of dollars to figure it all out for you and your company so y’all can remain blissfully oblivious and out of touch!

You see, it’s all about engagement and exposure.

We realize that terms like “exposure” may make you feel uncomfortable in light of your pending sexual harassment case, but we’re not talking about that kind of exposure. We’re referring to the kind of exposure that involves drawing clients and customers to your company, not the kind that involves you showing your “Lil’ Donaghy” to various unpaid interns.

Oh, and we have buzzwords! Oh boy, do we ever have buzzwords! In addition to “engagement” and “exposure,” we’ve got “hub,” “relations,” “followers,” “creative content” and “psychology of achievement.”

Try this one on for size: “outreach platforms.”

What does that even mean? We have no clue! We just made it up, like, two seconds ago! But doesn’t it sound really cutting-edge? You can have that one for free. By all means, use it at the upcoming Cigar and Scotch Conference at the Reno Caesars Palace. All the other CEOs and their trophy wives will be so impressed.

We’ve got buzzwords that the geeks at all the other social media firms haven’t heard about. We’ve got our fingers on the pulse of the Internet over here at Bringman Utilities Lexicon Litmus Systems Hyper Industries Tech.

Give us a call when you’re ready to start strategizing. Our team is currently hard at work on a landmark new form of social media that’s practically guaranteed to increase both your company’s third quarter profits and Twitter followers by no less than 3.4%. What is it? Well, I’m a bit reluctant to outline the details but we’re so eager to have you as a client I’ll let you in on it.

Cats.

You like cats? Of course you do. Much like 90% of America, you spend at least two hours of every workday staring at LOLcats on Facebook. You’d think that LOLcats would be sooooo over by now but nobody can resist them. They’re like catnip but for, uh, humans.

Anyway. You know that fat Japanese cat on YouTube that loves to jump into tiny boxes? I was on a conference call with him 20 minutes ago. He just started working for us. And that funny cat that plays the keyboard? His owner ran off with all his money so now we’ve got him on retainer. That weird kitty that hangs around in ceilings? Yup, him too. He just brought me a white chocolate mocha from Starbucks. I’d say we’re about two weeks away from signing that cat that loves cheeseburgers.

All we need to do is Photoshop your company’s logo on these furballs and stick ‘em up on the social media/interweb/whatevers. You wanna buy Steve Jobs’ old yacht? Sure, you do. You know who’s gonna get you that boat?

That’s right, sir.

Cats.

Meet me in the parking lot behind the Macaroni Grill over on Columbia Road in 15 minutes.

Brandon Hartley is an American writer who lives in the Netherlands. He is currently working on a satirical novel about a kitten that learns how to play a guitar.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

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