What Ryan Lochte Actually Did on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?: Swimming With Dolphins

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Photo: Al Powers/Corbis

This week’s “What Ryan Lochte Actually Did on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” is a day late. Are you angry? Well, you can’t be, because I had to be an awesome American yesterday and participate in jury duty. Guess which one was worse.

* In this week’s episode, we learn there is, in fact, a girl who gets Ryan Lochte’s heart … racing. Alas, she lives in England, and with Ryan’s busy swimming schedule, their love just cannot be. But she’s coming to visit, and Ryan has some Very Special Plans: sushi.

* When she arrives, she’s refreshingly normal-looking. Maybe Ryan will forgo his normal sushi strat and cook up some homemade cuisine? Only time will tell.

* Meanwhile, this Jaimee does indeed “exist,” as Ryan claimed (Who said she didn’t? M. Night Shyamalan?), and she thinks Ryan lives in a bachelor pad. “What else do you really need?” he counters, as a helpful infographic pops up to illustrate the Lochte essentials: couch, TV, a ‘fridgerator that’s full, and *wink* a bed.

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* This Jaimee, though, she’s got him even more dopey than his normal demeanor — which is apparently possible. It’s borderline adorable, if not for the sideline prodding from E!’s producers asking if they “had sex.” Ryan, like a true reality TV star, answers: “Who has sex and doesn’t have a smile afterwards?” Ryan!

* Even though Jamiee’s there, Ryan still runs through his typical workout routine — which is, can I mention, super-boring TV not helped by the fact that he KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON. Shirt off should be rule No. 1 for this entire television show.

* Before heading to Orlando for his race, he takes Jaimee out … for sushi. Ryan, noooooooooooooooooo. Their table talk is even more illuminating: “How much do you have to shave?” she inquires. “Everything.” *wink*

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* Remember how exciting it was to watch Ryan Lochte swim during the Olympics? Yeah, this is not that. After signing autographs (“The craziest thing I’ve ever been asked to sign? … A French fry”), he proceeds to come in first place. Then? Fifth. More important, however, he wore his favorite shoes:

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* Before Jaimee heads back to England or whatever, they decide to swim with dolphins.

* (The dolphin didn’t actually say “Jeah!”)

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What Lochte Did on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?