This week's "What Ryan Lochte Actually Did on What Would Ryan Lochte Do?" is a day late. Are you angry? Well, you can't be, because I had to be an awesome American yesterday and participate in jury duty. Guess which one was worse.
* In this week's episode, we learn there is, in fact, a girl who gets Ryan Lochte's heart ... racing. Alas, she lives in England, and with Ryan's busy swimming schedule, their love just cannot be. But she's coming to visit, and Ryan has some Very Special Plans: sushi.
* When she arrives, she's refreshingly normal-looking. Maybe Ryan will forgo his normal sushi strat and cook up some homemade cuisine? Only time will tell.
* Meanwhile, this Jaimee does indeed "exist," as Ryan claimed (Who said she didn't? M. Night Shyamalan?), and she thinks Ryan lives in a bachelor pad. "What else do you really need?" he counters, as a helpful infographic pops up to illustrate the Lochte essentials: couch, TV, a 'fridgerator that's full, and *wink* a bed.
* This Jaimee, though, she's got him even more dopey than his normal demeanor — which is apparently possible. It's borderline adorable, if not for the sideline prodding from E!'s producers asking if they "had sex." Ryan, like a true reality TV star, answers: "Who has sex and doesn't have a smile afterwards?" Ryan!
* Even though Jamiee's there, Ryan still runs through his typical workout routine — which is, can I mention, super-boring TV not helped by the fact that he KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON. Shirt off should be rule No. 1 for this entire television show.
* Before heading to Orlando for his race, he takes Jaimee out … for sushi. Ryan, noooooooooooooooooo. Their table talk is even more illuminating: "How much do you have to shave?" she inquires. "Everything." *wink*
* Remember how exciting it was to watch Ryan Lochte swim during the Olympics? Yeah, this is not that. After signing autographs ("The craziest thing I've ever been asked to sign? … A French fry"), he proceeds to come in first place. Then? Fifth. More important, however, he wore his favorite shoes:
* Before Jaimee heads back to England or whatever, they decide to swim with dolphins.
* (The dolphin didn't actually say "Jeah!")