Follow Friday: @longwall26 (Jason Miller)

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

According to Jason Miller, Jason Miller (@longwall26) is is a writer and comic book hack living in Nashville, Tennessee. He also said a few things about some of his funniest tweets.

If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 1, 2012

The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate “fuck you” to trees.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 2, 2013

Some disturbing talk in the office this morning that the weekend was “pretty good” but also “too short.” Anyone else hearing this?

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 22, 2012

Clever trick to never overcook pasta again: Walk into the sea until you weaken and the tide draws you down into a briny oblivion.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 16, 2012

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 2, 2013

Jason is definitely also a fan of regular bear jokes.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 26, 2012

“Bear with me here.” – less-than-ideal way to announce that there is a bear with you

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 7, 2013

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 14, 2013

Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 15, 2012

Errybody up in the club! Night owls in the club and mice in the club and…a horse? Okay, this is a barn. Guys, I’m in another fucking barn.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 8, 2013

Laid back vibe in the club tonight. People all dressed up singing a sad song and some are crying and there’s my grandpa in a box? Oh shit.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 3, 2012

Remember, Obama can’t take your guns if you keep them…in here *taps heart, accidentally discharges gun hidden inside heart, dies*

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) January 22, 2013

A doorbell that whispers “hide.”

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 21, 2012

Our Doomsday/Suicide Cult turned into a recipe exchange so gradually I don’t think any of us even noticed.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 24, 2013

You are goddamn right I would like your four year old to lead us in prayer.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 22, 2012

Just slapped on some aviators and walked away in slow motion from a perfectly loaded dishwasher.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 28, 2012

If it please the court… *rolls baby hedgehog across courtroom on skateboard, jury erupts with applause, opposing counsel breaks pencil*

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 26, 2013

If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 1, 2013

If you are a skeleton, do not go to the desert. You will die.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 15, 2012

Sorry about all the blood, Susan. You and I obviously have very different definitions of “thumb war.”

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 27, 2012

Sorry to destroy your life, Susan, but when I said I’d do anything for the secret to your delicious potato salad I wasn’t fucking around.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 20, 2013

She can’t break up with you if you never stop playing the bagpipes.

— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 17, 2012