Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
According to Jason Miller, Jason Miller (@longwall26) is is a writer and comic book hack living in Nashville, Tennessee. He also said a few things about some of his funniest tweets.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not sharks though. Or bees. Viruses. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don’t love anything.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 1, 2012
“Ah, romance! By the way, a few people wrote me after this one to argue that people don’t really ‘love’ viruses and I’m all, like, speak for yourself, assholes.”
The fact that axe handles are made of wood is the ultimate “fuck you” to trees.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) April 2, 2013
“I may have accidentally stolen this idea from M. Night Shyamalan.”
Some disturbing talk in the office this morning that the weekend was “pretty good” but also “too short.” Anyone else hearing this?— Jason Miller (@longwall26) October 22, 2012
“I like to think I’m doing my part to bring more attention to the badly undervalued literary genre of inane, content-free office chitchat.”
Clever trick to never overcook pasta again: Walk into the sea until you weaken and the tide draws you down into a briny oblivion.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 16, 2012
“Two thoughts. One, I’m convinced this tweet only works because of the two words at the end. Two, if I’m ever forced to choose between saving a pot of noodles from overcooking and rescuing your dad from a burning building, I hope you had a nice relationship with him when he was around.”
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 2, 2013
“Behind the tweet: I’m a HUGE fan of werebear jokes, and I almost used werebear in this one but then I chickened out went all commercial. These are the kinds of decisions that keep a guy up at night.”
Jason is definitely also a fan of regular bear jokes.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 26, 2012
“Bear with me here.” – less-than-ideal way to announce that there is a bear with you— Jason Miller (@longwall26) June 7, 2013
He is nostalgic.
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 14, 2013
And never sad for very long.
Depressed? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 15, 2012
Miller cannot seem to figure out where the club is.
Errybody up in the club! Night owls in the club and mice in the club and…a horse? Okay, this is a barn. Guys, I’m in another fucking barn.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 8, 2013
Laid back vibe in the club tonight. People all dressed up singing a sad song and some are crying and there’s my grandpa in a box? Oh shit.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 3, 2012
Jason should be more careful.
Remember, Obama can’t take your guns if you keep them…in here *taps heart, accidentally discharges gun hidden inside heart, dies*— Jason Miller (@longwall26) January 22, 2013
Miller has a foreboding doorbell.
A doorbell that whispers “hide.”— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 21, 2012
But maybe you should risk it; Jason has plenty of great ideas for dinner.
Our Doomsday/Suicide Cult turned into a recipe exchange so gradually I don’t think any of us even noticed.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) May 24, 2013
He’s excited to let others give thanks for the food.
You are goddamn right I would like your four year old to lead us in prayer.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 22, 2012
And he’ll clean up like a pro.
Just slapped on some aviators and walked away in slow motion from a perfectly loaded dishwasher.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) July 28, 2012
Jason is the “wild card” at the law firm.
If it please the court… *rolls baby hedgehog across courtroom on skateboard, jury erupts with applause, opposing counsel breaks pencil*— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 26, 2013
He is excellent at crisis management.
If someone you know is stressed out, be sure to tell them they need to relax. You’d be surprised how many people hadn’t thought of that.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) March 1, 2013
Miller has some good advice for skeletons.
If you are a skeleton, do not go to the desert. You will die.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) September 15, 2012
He is not so excellent with poor Susan.
Sorry about all the blood, Susan. You and I obviously have very different definitions of “thumb war.”— Jason Miller (@longwall26) November 27, 2012
Sorry to destroy your life, Susan, but when I said I’d do anything for the secret to your delicious potato salad I wasn’t fucking around.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) February 20, 2013
Still, you’ll never be able to break up with Jason.
She can’t break up with you if you never stop playing the bagpipes.— Jason Miller (@longwall26) December 17, 2012