Follow Friday: @MikeScollins

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) writes for the Yahoo show Losing It with John Stamos and the UCB sketch team Onassis. Mike is also a kind gentleman who elaborated on a few of his funniest tweets.

Tapped a man on the shoulder to say “Dont you just love her” but apparently not everyone with earbuds in is automatically listenin to Adele?

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) November 13, 2012

Do not ask somebody if she’s Wendy the Snapple Lady unless you are 100000% positive it’s her.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 2, 2013

Dear @HBO after exposing me to furries on Real Sex when I was 10 and ruining me sexually, I think I’ve earned another season of Enlightened.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 27, 2013

Before you waste your time, 911 does not know how Superman shaves either.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 13, 2013

My mom just texted to ask if I’d heard about Toy Story 4 and I told her this one has a dildo voiced by Gilbert Gottfried. Please play along.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 19, 2013

It’s not like Mike hasn’t done anything patently worse than that.

UGH!! I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA DIE SO I STARTED MASTURBATING IN THE OFFICE!! IS ANYONE HIRING?!

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) August 23, 2011

Oh my god Beyonce’s pregnant again and I hope she has a boy this time and I hope it’s me.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) May 14, 2013

“I know a star I’d like to hang…” Solange silently mused while everyone watched Beyonce top the family tree for the 30th year in a row.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 12, 2012

Kate Middleton gives birth to healthy 8 pound baby which in US dollars is like $12.75.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 3, 2012

Teachers in Tennessee now have to inform parents if they overhear someone’s gay. I just hope Homework’s parents are ready to deal with this.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) January 30, 2013

Ohio’s that invisible kid in middle school that one day got a pool.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) November 6, 2012

“I dunno. Sorta feels like getting a bunch of retweets?” – easy way to get me to try needle drugs

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 12, 2013

I bet everything worked out really nicely for that girl in Grease who started smoking to keep her boyfriend.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 11, 2012

March 1st! Heads up if you’re sad right now it’s no longer seasonal depression it’s just the regular kind.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 1, 2013

Had that nightmare again where I’m standing in front of a huge crowd wearing a t-shirt with a pun on it.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) June 2, 2013

Yes, people with Magnetic Poetry on their fridge are terrible but at least they’ve given us a convenient way to tell them.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) April 28, 2013

At what point making Forrest Gump, a film about a slow kid whose friend is molested by her father, did someone suggest a spinoff restaurant?

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) October 6, 2012

Imagine the shitstorm on Christmas if Nick Cannon took Mariah Carey at her word.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 13, 2012

Anne Hathaway just read about Reese Witherspoon and said “It came true.”

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) April 22, 2013

Just visited the boarded up Blockbuster in my hometown, 5000 days overdue copy of Wild Things in hand and whispered, “I win.”

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) February 12, 2013

A fun way to ruin someone’s night tonight is to remind them we’re really just counting down till when rent’s due.

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) December 31, 2012

Just met someone who didn’t DJ on the side??

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins) March 28, 2013