Oh my god. I literally don’t even know with this show anymore. It might be the most depressing television show in the history of the world. Last night’s episode was unremittingly grim. I should have taken Carson Daly’s mud-colored shirt as a portent of doom when I had the chance, but I didn’t, for some reason.
Fall Out Boy
Didn’t you feel like the lead singer of Fall Out Boy looked different in some essential way? His face looked longer. Personally, I am glad Fall Out Boy is back. I liked that they refused to turn Michelle’s mic on while she was performing with them. Also, I did not know I missed Pete Wentz and yet I did. After all, he used to be married to Ashlee Simpson, and he did write these lyrics, “I only think in the form of crunching numbers/ in hotel rooms/ Collecting ‘Page Six’ lovers” (What do these lyrics mean? Please explain them to me in the comments section). I think Carson Daly kept trying to imply he was really good friends with the entirety of Fall Out Boy, which honestly, makes so much sense!
Nicholas David, “Say Goodbye”
Another harbinger of doom that I ignored was the presence of all these past Voice contestants, singing their weird little songs with little context or explanation. Nicholas David’s song was definitely the best. It sounded like Cat Stevens if he were involved in some weird modern music scene in which Jason Mraz is ascendant. It sounded like the sounds of today.
Later it was that time again. The confessional time! Everyone confessed that some people called Usher “Ursher,” which is not a confession. Then Shakira danced like Usher, which is also not a confession.
After that, America did one good deed to show that they weren’t literally out of their minds. Michelle was saved. Thank God. It was all basically a sliding scale of horrible after that, though.
Back from a long absence is someone I know you have missed, Chrissy Milian! Chrissy was standing with a dazed Michelle in the Sprint Skybox — asking people for their best coach impressions. She laughed a hysterical and hollow laugh about coach impressions for some minutes. It frightened Michelle. You could never accuse Chrissy of being a Garbo for sure.
Tony Luca, “Never Gonna Let You Go”
This was really quite pitchy and generic. Adam Levine could barely even comment on it. In the middle of telling Tony how great he was as a man, boy, and singer, as is The Voice’s way, Adam told the audience thought he heard the sound of silverware. Sometimes, I legitimately worry for Adam Levine. Imaging the sounds of silverware when no dinner is happening is Miss Havisham behavior. Where is a Victoria’s Secret model to nurse him back to health?
Everyone, “Every Rose Has It’s Thorn”
This was a sad performance. The harmony was quite good on the chorus, but there was some awful period in which the big Swon was singing and all of the other singers were down below him, looking up at him like he was some kind of God. And they were right! He is God, in a way.
Later, Carson asked Danielle about her “home business” which, what is that actually? Danielle didn’t know. Then Danielle was saved. Fine, whatever. Even Danielle did not look surprised.
Terry McDermott, “Pictures”
This was kind of weird because, (1) Terry McDermott also looks like my dad. (2) Was Terry McDermott prominently involved in a Kia commercial after he performed? I thought I saw that. But did I hallucinate it like Miss Havisham or Adam Levine? I don’t know.
So finally, it was down to Amber Carrington, Sasha Allen, and the Swon Brothers. And wow, I can’t say I’m surprised, but actually, I am really, really surprised! Sasha Allen, who was the best singer on the show, and Amber Carrington who had the best performance of her life on Monday, were kicked off in favor of prolonging the emotional and competitive life of the Swon Brothers. How does this keep happening? I feel like the Swon Brothers must have some sort of inscrutable animal magnetism that I do not understand. Either that, or this show is so irredeemably terrible now because of gerrymandering that the system is broken! The system is broken!!!!
Did you like the show? Who cares, actually? This show is terrible. We have a couple more episodes of country music to sit through. That’s all.