Follow Friday: @DammitBabies (Michael Scarpa A.K.A. Søren Twerkegaard)

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Michael Scarpa (@dammitbabies), more well known on the twittersphere by the decidedly funnier moniker of Søren Twerkegaard, was kind enough to fill us in on the stories behind some of his funniest tweets.

‘What’s cooler than cool?’ You venture: Ice Cold? “No.” Andre 3000 turns to face you. “Betrayal,” he sneers. Your heart stops. He knows.

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) May 1, 2013

ten years ago we had johnny cage, sub zero, and scorpion. now we have zero scorpions in a cage. who left the scorpion cage open

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 21, 2013

don’t even talk to me until you’ve painstakingly navigated my shifting labyrinth of erratic moods and unreasonable, uncommunicated demands

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) June 3, 2013

an episode of fear factor where they just read you carefully chosen facts about your life until you break down and storm off the set

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) May 20, 2013

First, do no harm. Second, go ahead, do some harm, you’ve earned it.

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) July 19, 2013

It’s important for Søren to blow off some steam after a long day of arduous labor.

I see you smiling at each other, construction workers. Looks like what you’re really building on this beautiful sunny day.. is a friendship.

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) April 16, 2013

Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a lifetime. Teach a DOG to fish *record scratch* That’s right-he’s back! in.. Air Bud: Allure of the Deep

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) June 13, 2013

if a tree falls in the forest, what an idiot

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) June 18, 2013

ACTUALLY, the Ghostbusters were very “‘fraid” of ghosts. that’s what Courage is

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) July 12, 2013

you can lead a horse to water but if you want your horse to go hard, sport stronger, and crush the competition, lead your horse to Gatorade™

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) April 20, 2013

Business Idea: Haterade for Alligators, you could call it Gatorade

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 10, 2013

Did it hurt? When I subtly insulted you to lower your self esteem in order to make you subconsciously seek my approval because I am a socio

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 9, 2013

you must be the change you want to see in the club

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 4, 2013

His girlfriend’s left. His bros haze him. Awash in existential angst, the frat boy drops to his knees & cries to God: bro, do u even exist?

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) April 2, 2013

the worst thing about life is how they never let you join the wu-tang clan no matter how many handwritten letters you send

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) April 10, 2013

Nice to meet you, Atticus. My name’s BOO! haha wow more like Atticus Flinch

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) May 10, 2013

my spirit animal is the brutish primal state to which man regresses after long periods of extreme stress & competition for scarce resources

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 22, 2013

’I don’t do hugs. I am hugs’ - Salvadorable Dali

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) March 20, 2013

a jazz record where the singer breaks down weeping in the middle and tries to play it off as scat

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) February 18, 2013

Hey have you guys heard about the train that only goes to uninhabited places? Yeah, it takes one to no one.

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) June 5, 2013

what idiot called it deactivating your account instead of cybernating

— Søren Twerkegaard (@dammitbabies) April 16, 2013