Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Vanessa Ramos (@thatramosgirl) has just signed on to write for the Comedy Central roast for the second year in a row, this time around setting her sights on wiping the smug smile off of James Franco’s face - through comedy. She took some time off from penning her potentially renaissance man-destroying jokes to talk about a few of her funniest tweets.
My three favorite shows about murderers are Dexter, Hannibal, and SportsCenter.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 30, 2013
“This is my most popular and also most stolen tweet. One young ‘lady’ with more followers posted it as her own a day later (on my birthday) and then replied to everyone who called her out accusing them of being ‘Twitter snitches.’
I tweeted this one as I was about to watch the season premiere of Dexter. I started thinking about other shows about serial killers before finding a pattern and having a little fun with it. I also considered other sports shows, but SportsCenter made me laugh.”
Cat hair is lonely people glitter.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) December 19, 2012
“I wrote this on one of the many Saturday nights I spend watching Lifetime movies about wayward teens making the kinds of mistakes that result in a actress from Melrose Place saying something comparable to ‘Not without my daughter.’ An Activia commercial came on and I remember thinking ‘this is my life now;’ I was surprisingly ok with it. In that moment, I both accepted and embraced that I was going to end up being one of those women that go through life/JoAnne Fabrics covered in cat hair, but decided that I was going to be the Beyoncé of them.”
My favorite episode of Dirty Jobs is the one about the guy who feeds peanut butter to the Kardashians so it looks like they’re talking.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 15, 2011
“One of my favorite things to do is tweet fake episodes of real television shows. I even tweeted my own version of a movie once. Without giving away what movie it was, I started it with Alvin, Simon, and Dave eating Theodore after only three days of being chipwrecked.
Anywho, the Kardashian thing came from watching Keeping Up with The Kardashians with the sound off for five minutes and it reminding me of when my brother and I would give our cocker spaniel a spoonful of peanut butter while my mom’s Gloria Estefan CD played. That reference was pretty inside so I went with Dirty Jobs.”
A lot of people on Twitter are famous in the same way that some Chili’s menu items are famous.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) January 26, 2012
“I was staying at a hotel in Minnesota and their Chili’s-like room service menu made mention of a ‘famous’ burger. I ordered that burger and like many, my brush with fame was not without regrets. I turned to Twitter for comfort and discovered the similarities.”
Spent money on tickets to watch Emilio Estevez read the novelizations of The Mighty Ducks movies, feeling pretty good about it right now.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) April 3, 2011
“This was the first tweet I did that ever got any attention from anyone other than @donni. It was almost midnight on a Saturday and someone had tweeted a link to an article about Charlie Sheen eating shit at his first live show, back when he fancied himself a tiger blood-drinking warlock and decided to rampage through the Midwest. I wasn’t surprised. I feel like if you bought tickets to that, the best you could hope for was him coming out dressed as Rick Vaughn from Major League and farting the chorus to ‘Wild Thing’. Then I thought about Emilio curled up at home with a good book and imaged what his tour would be like.”
Vanessa also took advantage of the NFL’s most embarrassing public moment, when replacement referees erroneously awarded the wrong team the victory.
Why is everybody angry about football? Did Keanu Reeves make another movie about it?— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 25, 2012
Despite this, she isn’t very confident in herself.
The self-loathing is coming from inside the house.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 17, 2012
It doesn’t mean that Ramos is envious of the delusional ones.
Nice polarized Oakleys, guys who peaked in high school.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) December 3, 2012
Vanessa has a suspicious eye on Chris Brown.
If there’s anything we can learn from the O.J. trial, it’s that we should go ahead and take note of Chris Brown’s glove size.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 11, 2012
And Mitt Romney, still.
Before you let out a sigh of relief, remember that Romney has the money and technology to terrorize us as The Green Goblin.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 7, 2012
Vanessa is a part time real estate agent.
I think my neighbors are moving out in case any of you don’t mind living in an apartment where love died.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) May 16, 2013
She can identify *all* of the depressing places.
There is no sadder place on the Internet than the section of Craigslist where people seek out McDonald’s Monopoly game pieces.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 15, 2012
Ramos is not the biggest Michael Buble fan.
Michael Buble’s next album might as well be called Welcome to Nordstrom.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) March 6, 2012
She empathizes with Pitbull.
Pitbull really missed the boat on Jock Jams.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 28, 2013
Vanessa knows that break ups could get messy.
Whenever I run into someone who is friends with my ex, I feel like Commissioner Gordon having to give that fake speech about Harvey Dent.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) July 17, 2013
There is no creepier union than the friendship between two girls that dated the same guy.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 23, 2012
James Carville creepy.
James Carville has come a long way since trying to destroy Toon Town.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) November 7, 2012
Incidentally, a lot of Toon Town is raking in the cash.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume that certain animals were put on this planet to sell insurance.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) July 7, 2013
She thinks game show ontestants need to tell more interesting stories.
Learn how to tell a story, everyone on Jeopardy.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) December 1, 2012
Vanessa also believes that some people are better off not saying anything at all.
I always get Ann Coulter and Nancy Grace confused with the other two horsemen of the apocalypse.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) July 14, 2013
And by some people, she means all people.
At this point, we need less ways to express ourselves.— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) June 20, 2013