Follow Friday: @ThePatrickWalsh

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) is a writer for 2 Broke Girls and is a kind man who shed some light on some of his funniest tweets.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) November 25, 2012

“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 18, 2012

Sex with me is like INCEPTION. Long, confusing, needlessly complicated, but ultimately quite beautiful & worthy of major awards.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 31, 2012

If I lived in Vatican City, I’d walk around noisily eating a bag of Sun Chips asking everybody “Wait, what’s going on?”

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 13, 2013

Hugh Jackman…makes robots fight…to earn the love of his…son? Sorry, I don’t have a pitch prepared. Wait, you want to make it?!?

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) September 28, 2011

Seinfeld was notoriously a harder sell to executives.

Never really liked SEINFELD, huh? (throws hot soup into date’s face, sprints from restaurant, tosses cell phone into ocean)

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 23, 2012

Bring the cash to the mall food court or I kill your son. I’ll be at Panda Express. No, Steak Escape. Ooo…Sbarro! Lemme call you back.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 31, 2012

I now pronounce you man and…oh you’re both looking at your iPhones. I’ll wait.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) September 21, 2012

My apartment is so hot John Mayer just lazily fingered it while yawning.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) August 30, 2012

10 years ago today I married my best friend. My wife was furious.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 7, 2012

Jesus Christ, did I date Adobe Reader at some point?

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 16, 2013

I roll up in the Pizza Hut with my dick out and scream “Where my meat lovers at?!” An elderly Asian man raises his hand and we marry.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 30, 2012

Becoming a mother is a wonderful thing. Unless we datin’! #recordscratch #slidewhistle #studioaudienceroars

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) May 14, 2012

Harrison Ford seems like the kind of dude who wouldn’t speak to his wife for days if she beat him at putt-putt.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) July 30, 2011

Nice Gandhi quote on Facebook, girl who routinely used the “N word” in high school.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) November 21, 2012

Off to a party but I’m scared as I’ve heard west coast parties don’t stop and I have plans Sunday.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 9, 2012

I throw you onto the bed and rip your blouse open. You’re mad. The blouse was a gift, and rather expensive. We quietly split a Coke.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) January 3, 2013

I just muttered a terrible movie idea to myself and Gerard Butler appeared next to me on the couch in full costume ready to star in it.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 19, 2013

AIR BUD: WE’VE RUN OUT OF DOG PUNS FOR OUR TITLES BUT LOOK - IT’S AN ANIMAL PLAYING A SPORT, YOU’RE EITHER IN OR YOU’RE OUT

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) March 23, 2013

“You there, boy! What day is this?” - Ebenezer Scrooge or me any morning when I drank the night before

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) December 24, 2012

When someone says “You know who you look like?” I prepare to not eat for 3 days.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) June 25, 2013

I use a white noise machine to sleep & when I turn it on I say “Make some noiiiiise!” Some nights it’s funny, some nights deeply sad.

— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) October 25, 2012