Special Agent 12 Briefing, by Alex Winfrey

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Hello, Special Agent 12. Before you leave for your mission, I’ve been asked to introduce you to a few tools that I think you’ll find quite interesting.

Now these, Agent 12, may look like a stylish pair of glasses, but try them on. Yes, it’s a little tricky to get used to. You see, the lenses have been darkened, which decreases the amount of light able to reach your eyes. I think you’ll find them especially useful during the harsh light of day. I know you’re reckless, Agent 12, but I ask that you please don’t wear them indoors, and God help you if you wear them at night.

Now try this on. What may look to you like an oversized shirt is actually what they call a coat. The material is thicker, water-resistant, and, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, quite warm. Again, this is helpful outdoors, or even somewhere indoors where they keep the temperature relatively low, like a walk-in freezer or the dairy section of a supermarket.

Whoa, easy with that, Agent 12. This is one of my favorite pieces, but also one of the most dangerous. It looks like a simple decorative pistol, but in reality, it is a real pistol. Treat it as you would any decorative pistol, but when the time comes, turn off the safety, and squeeze the trigger. Squeezing the trigger sets off an explosion within the chamber, propelling a small piece of metal through the barrel at thousands of miles per hour. Although this lacks subtlety, one carefully aimed shot from this pistol could extinguish an enemy for good.

How’s your breath, Agent 12? Maybe you’d like some gum. Check the pocket of your new coat. Ah, yes. A simple piece of mint chewing gum. But that’s where you’re wrong. You see, this gum is laced with flavor crystals, which help fight bad breath for up to three hours. It’s also sugar-free, which helps reduce your risk of tooth decay. I must warn you though, there are only nine pieces, so use it sparingly.

If you look in your wallet, you’ll find what looks like a $25 gift card for Williams-Sonoma. This isn’t perceptible to the naked eye, but it’s really a $2.05 gift card for Williams-Sonoma. I used $22.95 on some stoneware measuring cups. After receiving this little beauty as a gift, your enemy will find themselves very confused upon checkout, and that’s when you strike.

I noticed you’ve been eyeing the to-scale miniature car sitting outside the window. Well, what if I told you it wasn’t a miniature car at all, but was really a full-sized car? Yes, that’s right. The car is actually large enough for you to sit in, but it’s far away and the perspective makes it seem smaller. I don’t have time to get into it, but suffice it to say, if you keep this car a fair distance away from your enemies, they’ll never suspect it contains a full-grown adult agent. Use this to your advantage.

And finally, Agent 12, there’s this. It’s just a flashlight, but it needs some new batteries.

I wish you the best of luck on your mission. And Agent 12? Do try to bring everything back in one piece.

Alex Winfrey is a comedian from Ohio. He writes here, tweets here, and posts videos here.

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