Follow Friday: @ImLaurenMcGuire (Lauren McGuire)

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Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)

Lauren McGuire (@ImLaurenMcGuire), is a sketch writer at the UCB and for John Moe’s Wits show. She was kind enough to take some time out of her day to give us some background info on some of her funniest tweets.

OH GOD I mixed up my day cream with my night cream and now my face doesn’t know what time it is!

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 20, 2013

Oh my god water is just cloud juice

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) October 24, 2012

My biggest accomplishment this year was probably breaking a wild stallion and riding it into space

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) December 30, 2012

When someone gets a touchdown, the opposing team should have to do a sad dance.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 4, 2013

if a wild horse nuzzles your neck, you are legally obligated to write a young adult novel about it.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 16, 2013

Even if you can’t procure a horse, you can always dance like one.

The key to good dancing is to pretend you’re a horse

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 5, 2013

No matter whose bathroom I’m in, I always make sure to leave the door cracked open in case an animal wants to come in and entertain me.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 7, 2013

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 6, 2013

WHY ISN’T YOUR HOUSE FILLED WITH GARBAGE? ARE YOU A PRINCE?

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) December 7, 2012

MR. PRESIDENT WHY CAN’T WE PUT ALL OUR TRASH INTO A VOLCANO?

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 8, 2013

IN CONCLUSION, not only would a Chipotle Burrito-based economy be fiscally wise, it would also be delicious.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 15, 2013

My net worth is currently somewhere around 7 Chipotle Burritos.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) June 6, 2013

Oh yes it’s ladies night and the feeling’s right! Oh yes it’s ladies night, I earn 75% of what a man make for the same job!

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 12, 2013

Paying a 24 pack of brewskis. Cashier asks where the party is. “I am the party”, you say as you fly away on a rocket ship to planet cool.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 8, 2013

Those poor Romney boys are going to have to go back to solving mysteries again.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) November 7, 2012

No one in Monsters University addresses the crippling student loan debt that undoubtedly hangs over the heads of all their monster graduates

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) July 1, 2013

The Little Mermaid gave us all very unrealistic expectations about how bangs look underwater.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) August 21, 2013

Just because Oprah hasn’t RSVPed to my rollerskating party tomorrow doesn’t mean I’m not going to live my best life.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) January 5, 2013

Sadly, the Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles had found that eating only pizza for 45 years had affected their karate skills in a very untubular way

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 23, 2013

“Does anyone else smell burnt pizza?” asked Donatello right before having a stroke.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) August 5, 2013

I can not tell the difference between Maroon Five and a Kid’s Bop song.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) November 14, 2012

Your honor, I ask that you add to the record that I am wearing really cool sunglasses right now.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) February 27, 2013

“It’s Hammer time,” MC Hammer whispered to himself as he quietly slipped into his long-deserved bubble bath.

— lauren mcguire (@imlaurenmcguire) April 24, 2013