Everybody fancies themselves as some sort of wizard that can conjure up laughter by a few strokes of a keyboard, but only a few tweeters are truly worthy enough to have all of their witticisms transmitted to you, the ever busy comedy fan trying to navigate through an increasingly congested internet. Every Friday we’ll make your life a little bit easier by introducing you to an individual that you might not know about who consistently makes us laugh and momentarily forget that other days of the week exist.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, jump on over to the website where you can actually view the tweets for an optimal level of enjoyment.)
Peter Schultz (@Pete_Schultz), is an SNL Weekend Update writer and UCB person that has entertained twitter folk with a slew of funny tweets. It’s time to find out more about Peter.
He can never really enjoy the Game of Thrones books.
When you read the sex scenes in Game of Thrones, you can practically feel George R. R. Martin’s hot breath on your neck.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) May 29, 2012
He is old.
I am “just had to google what twerking is” years old.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 24, 2013
But apparently not that old.
Man, the signers of the Declaration of Independence must have been pretty nervous before they clicked “send”.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 4, 2013
Peter does not have Shazam on his phone.
A-Rod has made the odd choice to come out to the song “BOOOOO!” by Everybody.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) August 10, 2013
He saw Bigfoot.
No one ever saw Bigfoot, but lots of people seen him.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) June 3, 2012
Schultz’s late nights watching forgotten eighties movies have blended together.
White Smoke (R) 1987. White Det. John Smoke (Val Kilmer) goes undercover to foil a plot to blow up conclave in the 2195 all-black Vatican.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) March 13, 2013
They have lead to a lot of moments of wisdom.
Most adulterers in the 80s got caught because the saxophone was too loud.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) August 26, 2012
Contemporary movies just end up making him embarrassed.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I did really think that Jason Bourne was the whole story.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) August 10, 2012
But sometimes they leave him satisfied.
When I saw Pitch Black back in 2000, I remember thinking “That was ok, but I sure could use a few more decades of this Riddick character.”
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) August 15, 2013
From a specific genre of movies, Peter has repeatedly learned a valuable lesson.
If you’re the character in a Hallmark movie who doesn’t believe in magic, prepare to be so wrong.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) October 29, 2012
And has made a final judgment on another.
The logo for M. Night Shyamalan’s production company should just be the Rotten Tomatoes green splatter.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) June 3, 2013
Schultz has found that TV shows also follow specific patterns.
Fuck Marry Kill is both a game and the progression of a Dateline episode.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 18, 2013
Peter is more selective with his projects than LL Cool J.
“I’ll do it!” - LL Cool J answering his phone
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) April 8, 2013
He tends to have questions for women’s beds.
How many pillows are enough, women’s beds?
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) February 23, 2013
And for a certain town.
Wait, who has been watching George Zimmerman’s neighborhood this whole time???
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 14, 2013
Schultz sometimes only sees numbers.
Prop 8 overturned! Still looks like an 8, though.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) June 26, 2013
Peter can see through people.
#SignsYoSonIsGay He creates a homophobic hashtag as a smokescreen .
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) October 19, 2012
This past presidential election was stressful for Schultz.
Can’t wait til this election is over and I can go back to forgetting which of my facebook friends has opinions that make me uncomfortable.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) September 12, 2012
Peter is familiar with Florida.
Welcome to Florida. Feel free to shoot anything that isn’t a Manatee.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) July 14, 2013
But has never been to San Diego.
Wait- I thought the mayor of San Diego was a sea lion in a Billabong tank top?
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) August 23, 2013
That doesn’t make him any less patriotic.
Labor Day is a good time to reflect on how lucky we are to live in a country that doesn’t throw extraneous u’s into words.
— Peter Schultz (@pete_schultz) September 2, 2013
