Jasper Tries to Pass Off 473 Subscriptions to ‘Lowrider Magazine,’ by Pablo Goldstein

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Jasper, step into my office.

Now, I realize the student body has gone a little bonkers over the annual magazine subscription fundraiser. This year we really tried hard to round up some great prizes that would encourage you all to give it the ol’ Robert La Follette Middle School try. But in the rush to sell the most magazines, I’m afraid some students haven’t been totally honest.

I’ll get right to the point. Jasper, I don’t think you actually sold 473 subscriptions of Lowrider Magazine.

At first I thought, “Maybe he filled out the form incorrectly. He probably sold 47 subscriptions of the magazine that celebrates the underground scene that rose from the Chicano Movement of the late 1960s, not 473.” But after some time, I came to the conclusion that it was unlikely that you sold 47, 73, or even 3 subscriptions of Lowrider Magazine to the citizens of Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

Let me be clear. This is not a racial thing. Robert La Follette Middle School is strongly against racial intolerance. You don’t have to be a person of color to enjoy glossy photographs of half-naked Latinas draped over classic examples of post-war Detroit engineering. And you don’t need to speak Spanish to appreciate a custom airbrushed paint job of the Virgin of Guadalupe on the hood of a ‘64 Chevy Impala. But 473 subscriptions, all to one magazine? No Sports Illustrated LatinoPeople en Español? Or something that has absolutely nothing to do with people of Hispanic descent? Come on, Jasper!

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell. I have some fault in this. It probably didn’t help that we promised the student with the most sales would be flown to Hollywood to meet the cast of the Disney Channel’s A.N.T. Farm. To tell you the truth, that prize fell through. You’re the first to know. Please keep that to yourself. Why didn’t we just give away the new Modern Warfare like McMaynor Middle School?

Do you understand how desperately we need that Lowrider money? Because of your huckstering, we’re not going to reach our fundraising goal. Goodbye, computer lab! So long, theater workshop! And the most disheartening thing? No more auto shop. That’s right. Now none of your classmates will get to enjoy the rush that comes from hitting corners in your scraper while winking to the bomb-ass hynas riding in the Caddy next to you. None.

Needless to say, I’m extremely disappointed. We thrive to mold our students into model citizens and it breaks my heart when someone goes down the wrong track. I have no other choice but to suspend you for the next three school days. You’re excused.

Oh, and put me down for  two years of Lowrider. Thanks, vato.

Pablo Goldstein is a writer and stand-up from Los Angeles.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.