Follow Friday: @asimplemachine (Dan Gagliardi)


A lot of Twitter users take to the platform to test out their latest jokes and quips, but certain people truly excel at making us laugh with the available characters and constraints. With the Internet being such a big place, it can be difficult to find the comedians most worthy of your RTs and favs. Each Friday we feature one person whose consistent short-form online humor deserves your attention and to be on your Twitter feed.

(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, you might want to come on over to the website so you can see the tweets.)

For this week’s Follow Friday, we dived deep into the Twitter feed of Dan Gagliardi, @asimplemachine. Gagliardi is a 22-year-old New Jersey-based writer who’s amassed a couple thousand Twitter followers with his well-crafted jokes. In addition to being good at Twitter, he’s also a contributor to The Onion News Network. Check out a collection of his funniest tweets below. Oh, and if you’re wondering why his Twitter name is “Tell Tale-li-heart-i,” it’s what he changed his name to for Halloween season in a sloppy “Treehouse of Horror”-esque psuedo-pun.

Hey, everyone. Tell your parents you love them. You never know when I’ll be waiting in the wings to beat you to it and then it’s too late— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 20, 2013

.@AnnCoulter You are a human YouTube comment.— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) July 14, 2013

Thank you all for enjoying my TV show, Breaking Bad. This was our final episode. It has truly been a wild ride, maybe the ride of a lifespan— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 30, 2013
I don’t think I regret deciding to make my TV show, Breaking Bad, the most compelling drama since the Sopranos— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 30, 2013

A Cosbian dystopia in which children are taken from their parents at age 2 and conditioned to say only the darnedest things.— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 9, 2012
Rube Goldberg got married started a family because he needed a new tie.— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) June 13, 2012
FUN ACTIVITY: When someone identifies his/herself as “awkward”, say, “Oh, me too!” and put your entire hand in his/her mouth. — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) March 29, 2012
Uncle emailed me with the subject line, “PLEASE READ DAN!” It smacked of desperation. Play it cool, uncle. Nephews dig confidence. — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) November 16, 2012
At the bottom of every can of Monster Energy Sauce is a download code for a 30-minute mp3 of Macho Man Randy Savage revving a dirtbike. — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) April 28, 2012
“Hello children this is Werner Herzog reminding you not to eat hair. Now back to the Fairly Oddparents, only on Nickelodeon.” — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) June 17, 2013
For a mere $2000 you can attend my webinar on artistic integrity — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 28, 2013
“Did you know this song is about Columbine?” –my new character Devon, the Guy Who Knows That ‘Pumped Up Kicks’ Is About Columbine — Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 27, 2013
We get it, music with whistling and handclaps that’s featured in commercials— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 1, 2013
It’s Adam and Eve, not Dan and Eve— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) August 29, 2013
I don’t mean to ruin anyone’s day but I just talked to my mom, and apparently this whole country is so screwed up— Tell Tale-li-heart-i (@asimplemachine) September 28, 2013