A lot of Twitter users take to the platform to test out their latest jokes and quips, but certain people truly excel at making us laugh with the available characters and constraints. With the Internet being such a big place, it can be difficult to find the comedians most worthy of your RTs and favs. Each Friday we feature one person whose consistent short-form online humor deserves your attention and to be on your Twitter feed.
(If you’re reading this from an RSS feed, you might want to come on over to the website so you can see the tweets.)
This week, we’re recommending the Twitter feed of Shawn Pearlman (@ShawnPearlman), an LA-based standup whose skills at writing one-liners definitely shows on Twitter. Pearlman is also a writer/performer on the sketch group Uncle Mom, along with Zach Paez, Cale Hartmann, director Payman Benz, and cinematographer Chris Darnell. Check out a bunch of Pearlman’s funniest tweets below:
Forget my Miranda Rights, officer. Read me my SAMANTHA rights! (gets clubbed) — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) May 16, 2012
I sleep on an air mattress. Like an air guitar. I sleep on the floor.— Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) August 2, 2013
My girlfriend is covered in bruises because she doesn’t listen. I’m always like, “You’re about to walk into a lamp!” — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) August 8, 2012
My grandma would be thrilled if I settled down and got married. I mean, we’ve been dating for 8 years. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) May 1, 2013
People who retweet compliments probably wish they could retweet other people’s retweets of their tweets. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) December 24, 2012
“OBAMA CARE.” - Sensitive Hulk Obama — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) October 2, 2013
Show me a guy who never fails and I’ll show you a guy who never tries. Sure they’re different guys, but I made my point: We both know a guy. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) January 4, 2013
Wasted time and energy arguing with a meter maid today. She’s still a Creationist. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) October 10, 2013
I just saw this week’s Stars Without Makeup in People. The guy who played Gollum in Lord of the Rings looks WAY different! — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) January 8, 2013
Give me liberty or give me death. No preference. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) January 10, 2013
There’s a phenomenon that’s sweeping the nation: Janitors. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) July 29, 2013
Why not talk about Fight Club? It would just result in more fights. That’s your thing! — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) January 24, 2013
The Bicycle Thief wouldn’t work if the characters had cell phones. You’d think, “Why does that guy have a cell phone in the 1940s?” — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) January 24, 2013
Another way to get your porn star name is by doing a bunch of porn. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) February 5, 2013
DRINKING GAME: Take a swig from your flask every time the cop in the lane next to yours finally turns down another street. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) February 20, 2013
Saw a billboard for HIV tests with “1 Minute Results.” Worried they just stab you with an HIV-infected needle and say, “Results are in!” — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) April 9, 2013
KFC’s old slogan should’ve been: “We Do Chicken, Right?” — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) April 10, 2013
I don’t want a daughter because I know how guys are: AMAZING! — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) May 6, 2013
Just downed a bottle of aspirin. The recommended dosage is 2 pills, BUT you’re not supposed to take it on an empty stomach. — Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) May 20, 2013
Dubstep sounds like Charlie Brown’s parents yelling.— Shawn Pearlman (@shawnpearlman) July 16, 2013
