A Bit of Clarification on Your ‘Bad Dudes’ Mission, by Ben Godar

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We want to clarify the mission we laid out in our first transmission, which consisted only of:

“The President has been kidnapped by ninjas. Are you a Bad enough Dude to rescue the President?”

In hindsight, that probably raised more questions than it answered. But as you might imagine, things are pretty intense around here, what with The President having been kidnapped by ninjas and all. Let me provide more details and hopefully clarify the operation you are about to undertake.

Your mission will consist of walking in a straight line from left to right, defeating any enemies you encounter along the way. Satellite surveillance suggests that often you will also be able to jump up to a higher level as you proceed. But always maintain that left-to-right direction. We cannot stress that enough. We are getting scattered reports that you may also need to traverse some moving objects, such as a freight train and a moving truck.

As for the enemy forces, our intel suggests most of them will simply run toward you and can be felled with a single punch/kick. Later on, you may confront hostiles with throwing stars or other such weaponry. But a CIA informant inside the Dragon Ninja gang tells us that each enemy’s abilities are signaled by their brightly colored ninja costumes. So that should help.

Unfortunately, we cannot offer you any weapons as you begin your mission, but it is our understanding that a variety of knives and nunchucks are just laying around on the ground. Should you become fatigued or injured during the operation, try to locate one of the cans of Coca-Cola or full turkey dinners also scattered nearby.

If this all sounds a bit fantastical, we understand. Allow us to explain a few things about how we arrived at this grave situation.

You might ask, “How were these people able to kidnap The President of the United States with all of the Secret Service to protect him?” On its surface, the very notion seems preposterous—the kind of thing that would only be possible through some kind of conspiracy on the inside, or massive, systemic incompetence. But there is a simple answer as to why they were able to infiltrate our most sophisticated defenses and escape undetected: They are ninjas.

You might also wonder, given the military capabilities of the United States, why we are turning to you, the Bad Dudes. Believe me, the Joint Chiefs played out a number of scenarios. Given the precision needed to rescue The President unharmed, as well as the left-to-right directional assault and the general Kung Fu atmosphere, it was determined that our best hope was a couple guys in sweatpants.

So whether you guys are brothers, workout buddies, or maybe even lovers, we want to make it absolutely clear that the fate of a nation rests on your shoulders and we are cool with whatever your whole deal is.

We will be watching your progress from our satellite surveillance network, but we need a signal for you to give us the all-clear. We suggest you both strike a muscle-flexing pose and shout, “I’m bad!”

Godspeed, Bad Dudes.

The Humor Section features a piece of original humor writing each week. To submit, send an email to Brian Boone.

Ben Godar is a writer and filmmaker. When nobody will give him money to do that, he tries to be funny on Twitter.