Although technically Bruce Springsteen was at last night's Stand Up for Heroes concert (part of the New York Comedy Festival) to play music, even he couldn't resist telling a few jokes when coming onstage after performances by Jon Stewart, Bill Cosby, Jim Gaffigan, and Jerry Seinfeld. (Apparently, this annual event often brings out the Boss's bawdy side.) "It's always great to be here, always an honor. I'm humbled to play for the men and women in uniform," Springsteen told the audience. "But I'm puzzled. It's a night of comedy for a soldiers' audience, where the entire night went by without anybody telling any dirty jokes! I don't get it! I can't let that happen." And so, to introduce each of his three songs for the night (which were "Dancing in the Dark," "If I Fall Behind" with Patti Scialfa, and "Dream Baby Dream," for those who want to know), Springsteen provided some off-color humor. ("I didn't say they were good dirty jokes, I just said they were dirty!") Watch for yourself and read some highlights from the performances.
After getting laughs from the crowd, Springsteen joked, "I went into the wrong profession. I should have done stand-up." As for the actual professional comedians on the night's bill, here are some of the highlights from the performances:
Jon Stewart asking the servicemen and women to fix the Obamacare website:
"When I think about your tenacity, your courage, your love of service, your love of country, I can't help but think to myself, Do any of you know how to build a fucking health-care website? Any of you? Can you help us? It's like Zappos, but for insurance. Anybody? It's just real hard, and when you click it, it just goes right to the porn. I don't know. Maybe that's just my computer."
Jon Stewart on the difference between Obama and Bush:
"George Bush was like that kid in sixth grade who gave a book report about a book that he clearly has not read. Just bullshit cocky. Doesn't give a fuck. Just gives his book report, high fives, and walks off, and doesn't give a fuck. George Bush is up there, [imitates Bush ] 'Treasure Island is a book about ... an island ... where there is... treasure.' Nailed it! Meanwhile, Barack Obama, he's the guy in sixth grade who gives a book report about a book he clearly read in kindergarten, and can't believe you fucking idiots are just getting around to it."
Jim Gaffigan on weddings:
"Now I understand that weddings are an important event, where we spend a lot of money so that [in a sing-song voice] the bride can pretend to be a princess, and marry her prince, and live happily ever after, because magic exists! What a bunch of weirdos! Weddings are weird, right? What's the logic? [In princely voice] 'Well, we love each other, so why don't we pretend we have a kingdom. We'll invite your parents' friends and my parents' friends and we'll have a banquet, and our two kingdoms shall come together as one. And then we'll go on a completely unjustified vacation.' It is nice to be invited to a wedding, but you get the invitation, and you're like, 'This is going to cost me ... Oh, good, it's out of town. Wouldn't want to use those vacation days for vacationing!'"
Jerry Seinfeld on marriage:
"Being married is like being on a game show where you're always in the lightning round. I should get a game show podium and set it up in my living room, wake up in the morning, and stand behind the podium with a hand-button clicker. 'I'll take Movies I Think We Saw Together for 200!' The wife is of course the returning champion from last week. 'I'll take Details of a Ten-Minute Conversation We Had at Three O'Clock in the Morning Eight Years Ago! I would like to bet everything I have on that, Alex!' Husband, of course, has no clue. 'I'm sorry, sir, you did not win the Weekend Sex Package, or the Guilt-Free Televised Sporting Event. Thank you for playing Are You Even Listening to Me?, and don't forget to take that big bag of garbage with you on the way out.' ... Women are correct. They always are. I know what to say."