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The Vampire Diaries Recap: Stefan Versus Damon, Round 23 — How Long Does Redemption Take?

All right, so last night was the mid-season finale of The Vampire Diaries. It confused me a little, I’m not going to lie. This Augustine/vampire testing stuff sometimes makes no sense. Like, what is Enzo’s deal? And is Wes the only doctor? And why are they all just chilling in the lab rooms when it’s apparently impossible to escape from them once you’re captured? There were some holes, but I can deal with that because I am not here for vampire testing. I am also not here for Elena or Damon. Frankly, lately, I’m not even here for Stefan. I am here, 110 percent, for Katherine. The Vampire Diaries has become The Katherine Show, and joke’s on them because Katherine isn’t even a vampire!

Let’s debate.

Stefan Got Swept Up in a Moment

The Katherine-Stefan post-glow was pretty awesome. Loved Katherine rolling over, ready to love up Stefan, and then seeing her gray hair. Also, his little smile was perfection. Plus 12.

Stefan looked so chill and relaxed at the beginning of this episode. No surprises there, am I right? #teamkatherine Plus 10.

“I don’t recall saying that you could talk.” Why were they being such dicks to Aaron? Like they don’t know Elena is about to fall for him. I can’t even get into Damon’s relationship with Aaron here, because that deserves a 5,000-word essay, but yeah, I don’t really like Stefan when he’s a jerk for no reason. Minus 10.

So much hunkage going on in that classroom: Enzo, Damon, Stefan, Aaron. It was kind of funny that Aaron was the only one who was listening to Enzo’s “tale.” Actually it was hilarious. Stefan just wandered in like, “Are we still talking about this?” Plus 15.

“You know not all of us are like my brother.” Whoa. No points, but maybe Stefan isn’t going to be as cool with Damon’s revenge plan as Elena is.

Stefan rescued Elena. Plus 20. He is the hero of this show; I enjoy when he acts like one.

How cute was it when Katherine said she wanted to talk about last night with Stefan and then said, “So talk”? It seemed like they were over, but then Katherine asked Stefan if he’d ever look at her the way he looks at Elena, and I think Stefan remembered they are identical. I don’t know. That hand-holding moment was glorious. Plus 30.

Total: 77

Damon Wants to Finish This for Good

Rough opening, Damon. But way to get home. Plus 15.

Damon called Stefan “Stef”! Plus 7.

The Katherine-Damon scene in the Gilbert doorway was great. “I’m gonna barf.” Plus 8. They share a lot of sexual partners so sometimes I think we forget that they’re just siblings. And imagining your sibling having sex with anyone is the worst thing ever.

Did Damon say, “Put your hero hair on?” or do I just assume that’s what he always says to Stefan? Either way: plus 4.

“That’s my brother, Stefan. I’d watch your tone with him because he’s kinda in the midst of a psychotic break.” Dude, you are the one banging the wrong doppelganger. But plus 10 for this adorable brother teasing. I love it.

Poor Aaron. Minus 12. I’m putting this in Damon’s category because I have a really big problem with a lot of logistical stuff going on right now. Forget the fact that they are all back at Whitmore College, the place Damon was supposedly tortured, but what is the goddamn deal with this revenge plan? Is Aaron the one Damon has elected to keep alive so he can procreate? And what about Wes? Also, what if the selected Whitmore doesn’t want to have kids? What then? Frankly, Aaron seems so traumatized by life he may never want to have sex again.

 “It was the 1950s. I’m supposed to remember every moment of my life?” Fair. Plus 3.

The Damon-Enzo stuff was cool, I guess. It didn’t make a lot of sense to me that Enzo would want to return for the antidote (wouldn’t he rather just die?). Also, Damon’s whole “let’s return and finish this together” dramatic speech was weird considering they were about a two-minute walk from this epic scene of the crime. Plus 13 for complicated friendship and history, though.

Why were Damon and Enzo just chilling in that lab? The stakes went from seeming insanely high (two vampires could not escape these experiments for five years?!) to comically low (Damon just grabbed some syringes, cured Enzo, and then left). Minus 20.

Damon broke up with Elena. “Stop defending me!” THANK YOU, DAMON. Look, I guess this is sad for you, Delena people. I don’t really know. I don’t really care. Because this is the smartest thing Damon has done all season. Plus 100. If you think I’m so happy because I want to see her with Stefan, you have obviously not been doing your homework. I’m psyched because Damon deserves a lot better than Elena. They both do. It’s time for Elena to be Salvatore-free and maybe in their absence gain a personality? That would be nice.  

Total: 128

Bonus Points:

Elena’s first words would be “my friends are gonna find me.” Is it bad I didn’t care that much that she was strapped down and being tortured? Minus 10, though. Elena forever (whatever).

Elena’s father was the head-scientist dude! I think we learned that last week, but it’s so freaking cool we gotta give more points. Plus 9.

MATT AND KATHERINE ARE TRAINING?! PLUS 50.

I just cannot handle how incredible Katherine is. Nina Dobrev needs fifteen Emmys. This is insane. Elena is the worst and Katherine is the best, which makes Nina the greatest. Plus 20.

Katherine drank kale juice. I feel ya, girl. Plus 10.

Elena was having flashbacks of seeing her dad’s vampire files in their basement or whatever. The most unbelievable part about this sepia-toned memory was that Elena was chasing a soccer ball because that girl can barely even walk properly. Minus 10.

“The thing is, Stefan actually likes this body.” Katherine was making some excellent points about not wanting to live as a less attractive person? Yeah. Plus 12.

Matt forever. Forever and ever and ever. Beautiful, beautiful human. Plus 40.

Sorry, but Elena doesn’t care that Damon has been stalking and killing an entire family for decades? “I stand by my choice,” she says, casually flipping aside reading material about (shocker) herself and her family. Minus 50. I am actually kind of appalled at her reaction to this. Wasn’t compassion supposed to be her thing?

I thought Katherine was dead until I saw scenes from next week. I have a theory about what might happen here, and it doesn’t make me happy, not at all. Queen Katherine Forever.

Total: 71

This episode goes to Damon for breaking up with Elena. Way to do you, dude.

All right, you guys, we’re out of here for a month. Time to turn from the drama of TV to the real-life drama of life: the holidays with our families. JK, let’s all just marathon season two? Plan.

Here’s to peace and joy and great facial features in 2014!

@RebeccaASerle if you need me.

Photo: CW