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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Porshasexuality

This season is full of relentless get-togethers, but this one ended with a fight! An actual fight! And the person who got popped in the face is not the person who should have been popped in the face!

Phaedra is throwing another garish party for a child way too young to remember any of it, and of course she called Dwight in to give him his annual income by way of one job. This time, we’re already over $10,000 for the budget of this mansion-set inauguration-themed party, complete with fake secret service agents, dancers, and Champagne. Phaedra waddles around on too-high heels surveying the grounds while Dwight, evoking the spirit of Carol Channing, uses every muscle in his body to keep a pair of glasses on his face, his willpower doing the job his nose cannot. Dwight complimented Phaedra’s legs from 100 yards away while she quizzically purred like a cat.

Then, Cynthia went to see Peter at the building holding her money hostage to “download” her life into him, which basically means telling him what Kandi said about him at the winery last week and reminding him that they are going to NeNe’s couples event. Peter reminds Cynthia that Kandi “doesn’t know anything about my fucking past,” and Cynthia LIED and said she responded with, “If you have anything to say, put it on tape!” She didn’t say that at all! Wait, did she say that? I tend to catch the vapors when they all fight and every voice leaks together like a melting candle. But I’m pretty sure she sat there with her thumb up her ass like she usually does, complacent to the point of catatonic. Cynthia told Peter something sure to get him riled up, but then said she didn’t want the information to ruin NeNe’s party. Someone please remind her that mentioning fights are the Chekov’s gun of reality shows — if you talk about it in the first act, it will happen in the last act!

Kenya, running out of ways to make herself seem useful on-camera, puts on matching black and red outfits with her aunt Lori and visits a doctor’s office to find out if she can still have a baby. Once they laugh about her history of mental illness and Kenya confirms she wants to have a baby to fix the dysfunction of her own family, the doctor tells her that her hormones are fine but her ovaries are “diminished.” Diminished, like a sandy beach at low tide? Kenya does have some fun options, though — she can get donor eggs, do IVF, or something called an intrauterine insemination, which is when you jack a needle full of spunk directly into your baby basket. Scientists — you DO know we haven’t cured cancer yet, right? Kenya wants to do whatever Halle Berry did to become pregnant over 40, because in her mind Kenya’s womb is on the same level, and the doctor says IVF might be her best option. Actually, doc, her best option would be a pottery class, a spiritual retreat, or any sort of hobby that she can use to fill her time that isn’t another human life, but IVF it is! I’d like to know what Kenya’s African boyfriend makes of all this, but I think invisible people have to talk through a conduit like a 4-year old about to go down for nap time.

Kandi is still going on with this musical and we’re nine weeks away from the opening! And O’Jays lead singer Eddie Lavert has signed on so your parents will definitely be buying tickets! When asked which audition Porsha should come to, Don Joo-an mimicked her singing “Amazing Grace,” and I cried laughing when he said, “I know my life is going to be changed forever” after Kandi tried to convince him she could really sing. Burping out melismata scales is not the same thing as singing! Todd wants Christopher Williams, of “Todd is an opportunist” Natalie and Christopher Williams, to get a part, and that reminds Kandi to tell Todd all of the shit Natalie said about him, even though she’s sick of everyone having something to say about their relationship. Todd just sort of rolls his eyes, which at this point is the appropriate response — people come at their relationship like White Walkers going after Westeros, so this news is wearing thin. Kandi is also over the group events Bravo is conjuring up for them lately because there is “a lot of drama,” but she’s agreed to go to this couple’s event and drag Todd with her anyway. Are they allowed to say no? Or is that too much of a Kim and Kroy thing to do?

Since a trip to the doctor wasn’t enough, Kenya also took Miss Lawrence with her to a sperm bank called Zzzyvfx or something with too many consonants. After they accosted the desk attendant for lube and discussed the virility of African men, Kenya straight-up stopped a man on his way into the jack off booth to ask his credentials. He gave his noble reason for donating sperm, namely that he was the last of his family name and wanted to “get as many out there as possible” (bless), but he was game to flirt and tell her to look up his number, 6744, when it came time for her to pack ‘em in. Kenya made attendants Daddy Warbucks and April O’Neil have boredom-related strokes when she whipped out her list of demands describing her ideal donor — very tall! Pretty features! Full lips! Slender nose! Funny! Affectionate! Well-groomed! No body odor! Green eyes!—and rolled their eyes so far back in their heads they saw their medulla oblongata when she declined a donor because he had bad grammar. After she forced them to give her a tour of the premises and wiggled her way into the lab to watch sperm under a microscope, I realized that Kenya could literally be replaced with animated jizz and no one would care.

Party day has arrived and everyone is very excited. Barry White Jr. invited all of the guests to go outside and see the arrival of the first family. Ayden wore the red military jacket from the Michael Jackson collection, Phaedra was dressed as Minnie Mouse, and Apollo was wearing an air of disapproval. I’ve heard the baby referred to as Mr. President for so long that I forgot his actual name is Dylan, and Dylan was carried in on a Bumpo, wearing a tuxedo. Apollo literally didn’t want to do anything, and looked like he didn’t even want to be there — he didn’t dance with Phaedra, do anything with the kids, and he was very upset when she asked him to stop eating and watch his mother-in-law bless the baby by wrapping him in purple scarves and saying, “Cover him in the BLOOD!” Everyone laughed nervously at his utter disdain and snarky side comments, and Phaedra changed into another dress and walked around like the party was for her, which, in reality, it was.

Finally, NeNe is getting ready for her pillow talk, couples counseling session at the hotel she rented. The reason for this event is unclear, but the goal is to get everyone to talk to each other — is it supposed to be fun? An airing of grievances? We all know this crowd can’t handle both. Cynthia shows up first and is surprised to hear that Natalie and Christopher will be there. NeNe, always the concerned friend willing to lend an ear, hears her concerns and counters with “I just want to know one thing — is this setup cute?” Porsha shows up with her sister, then everyone else parades in, including perpetually drunk Lexis, Chuck and Mynique, and Natalie and Christopher. NeNe goes to change and comes back with a half-naked woman and basically naked man who will evidently be the servers, because nothing goes better in a room full of barely concealed hatred and adults in their PJs than fully-spread asscheeks cleaved by a thong shoved directly in your face when your neighbor asks for a helping of fruit.

NeNe is acting like she was on some kind of drug, stomping back and forth and loudly declaring nothing at all to her captive and vulnerable audience, declaring that she has a set of Benwa balls inside of her at that very moment. Really, how is anyone eating at all? They start to play a “how well do you know your mate” game, with questions like “Do you prefer your lover passive or aggressive” and “Are you comfortable around someone who has slept with your mate?” Chuck, Mynique, and Kandi all looked really weird, but Peter broke the ice by saying yeah, he hangs out with Leon all the time! I still think he’s the very worst, but a well-times joke is a well-timed joke.

NeNe is “very motherfucking irritated” by Kenya’s lateness, and Peter asks the room if they would feel comfortable if their partner was bisexual. Much like Phaedra, I want to know what is going on and if NeNe is intentionally stirring the pot, because what kind of closure is going to come from an evening like this? These questions are pointedly idiotic, and absolutely meant to put specific people on blast. Porsha somehow comes up with the greatest answer and simultaneously the best thing I’ve ever heard her say, which is that she doesn’t care if her partner is bisexual or heterosexual, they just need to be Porsha-sexual to be with her. PORSHA-SEXUAL! Add it to the DSM-IV IMMEDIATELY. It sounds like an affliction, or a new drug. Do not take Porsha-sexual if you are driving, going through menopause, or prone to wanting intellectual conversations with people who know that the Underground Railroad was not an actual train.

Kenya finally shows up an hour late, even though we all know from the Savannah trip how much she hates lateness! She’s dragging Brandon with her and blames her lateness on him and his late plane arrival. NeNe is turned UP—when Kenya saunters past and says, “You look fabulous!” NeNe said, “You don’t!” and launched into a tirade, eventually telling “big titties” she could leave. NeNe finally turns to the rest of the room and asks if they would judge their husbands for looking at another woman. When Natalie says yes, Peter says she’s “wack as fuck,” because a lot of them go to the strip clubs and treat it like an office. He calls out Todd and Apollo specifically, but says he doesn’t actually get lap dances himself, which Kandi immediately counters because she has seen him getting lap dances. Cynthia is too busy reminding herself that if she was still with Leon she wouldn’t even be in this room, and Apollo starts talking about how he spent $5,000—$8,000 in strip clubs, especially when he got out of prison! He kept insisting that it was his money that he used, but I’d bet you $5 Apollo doesn’t even have that kind of money NOW. NeNe reminds everyone that she was a stripper, so she can confirm lots of men go there for blowjobs and sex, and Christopher can’t even fathom spending his money that way because he grew up poor in the Bronx.  Aw, pobrecito.

Finally, the fight! NeNe grabs a big paddle to properly stir the shit, turns to Kenya, and says “You had so much to say about Christopher at the winery so keep. It. All. The. Way. Real.” Natalie reminds Christopher that Kenya said they were common law, and he gets up and asks what medication she’s on. Kenya gets up and walks towards Natalie, saying she’s not back peddling but “top peddling,” and Christopher grabs her arm as she passes. Brandon went berserk, screaming, “Don’t you put your hands on her!” Peter pushes Brandon away, then BOTH Apollo and Peter are holding Brandon down while Apollo beats the living shit out of him! Gregg is holding Christopher back, but Apollo was going APESHIT. It looked like production got involved and was holding Apollo back while Phaedra said he can usually keep his temper in check. NeNe went to yell at Kenya, who walked away, and told her she made a “wrong-ass move” by getting up, and Kenya refuses to take the fall for it, saying it was Apollo who started it. Phaedra tried to calm Apollo down by reminding him that he has two sons, and Brandon tries to figure out what is even going on! Natalie tells him it’s because his friend was lying about her man, and now NATALIE AND BRANDON are fighting! But it doesn’t last, because Apollo rips off his shirt and mic, and then charges BACK OVER TO BRANDON, and that’s where the show ends. JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

Next week, we’re in for round two! Todd and Kandi fight Peter! Apollo cracked one of Brandon’s ribs, and that’s an automatic felony! Cynthia fights with Kandi! NeNe fights with Kenya! And I’m fighting the urge to call out sick for the week and plan a party around next week’s events like a proper Las Vegas boxing match! See you then. 

Photo: Bravo