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The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Two Months Too Long

This week, Porsha purchased a house she probably can’t afford, NeNe and Phaedra yelled platitudes at some children, and Cynthia’s sister gave her the world’s worst surprise this side of herpes. Happy New Year!

Kenya put on shoes made out of curtain tassels to meet with Lawrence and further prove that her only valuable contribution to the show is to explain what is happening with every other cast member. Kenya is basically a walking voiceover. She pronounced Savannah Sah-vah-naaaah, talked smack about literally every other cast member, and revealed that she sleeps on a silk pillowcase like she was royalty and not, in fact, like all the rest of us black women going down to Sally’s Beauty Supply so our shit will stay tight for a few more days. She also said Preach! a lot when Lawrence was helping her talk smack about Phaedra. That’s it. That’s what she gets paid for now. Consider every mention of Kenya from here on out my official request to get Lisa Businesswoman Wu back on the show. I’ll even take back the dumb one who talked about jewelry and gave all her money to God!

NeNe set her hairdryer on “caught in the jet stream” and met Phaedra and Chuck for drinks and fried truffle mushrooms, which sound both delicious and like the kind of thing that gives you explosive diarrhea. Phaedra showed up in tight red latex pants that made her legs look like lipstick and talked about how cute it was to be downtown with the “students and townies,” and then a Mumford brother took their order. Everyone thought Chuck was going to talk about Sah-vah-naaaah, but he just wanted to invite them to give a talk to the Boys and Girls Club in their hometown, Athens. Bullet dodged, they eagerly said yes, clinked glasses, did shots, and shit down their pants legs because there is no way food that rich is coming out solid.

Elsewhere, Cynthia is bead shopping with her sister, Malorie, whom we now know is batshit crazy. Since Peter is more disgusting than a garbage can full of maggots, I always thought Malorie was right to want to warn her sister about him, but she seems to stir the drama between those two as much as she claims to want to stop it. This time around, Malorie is in town for a surprise two-month visit and staying with Cynthia, which she springs on Cynthia as they are shopping. If Idris Elba, George Clooney, and Jason Momoa giving a piggyback ride to Vincent Cassel showed up on my doorstep wanting to stay for two months I would vigorously make out with every single one of them and then point them to the nearest Sheraton. I have disowned family members for less! Cynthia was very honest about the fact that she doesn’t tell her sister anything anymore because she’ll find a way to use it against her, and Mal sort of blinked her eyes like Bambi and said she’s letting it all go. They each talked about how much they had sex with their husbands, with Malorie clocking in at an astounding two to three times a day and Cynthia using beads and thread to sew her vagina shut on the spot. Malorie gave her some passable relationship advice that did nothing to mask the batshittery ahead.

Porsha went to a pet store with her mother, Tina Knowles, to buy things from the Bling Bling Collection, like the sort of outfits “they might wear to church.” If you close your eyes when Porsha is talking, it actually sounds like you are watching a Telemundo children’s show that has been poorly translated to English. After squealing about a baby carriage made for dogs, newly independent Porsha drops the bomb that she’s moving out despite the fact that her mom gets “so much joy” from taking care of her, and then makes her mother buy everything they touched to really solidify her independence.

The pits of hell opened and Mama Joyce popped out like a jack in the box to get her hair done by Derek J., who needs to buy clothes that are, like, one size bigger. Go up to an XXL, girl, no one will judge you! Mama Joyce is giving her usual “am I smelling 5-day old tripe?” before telling Kandi she “put a dagger in her heart” during their last conversation, and that she feels Kandi chose someone else over her. She vaguely mentioned that arguing was not good for her health and put on a real show about living “what little life I have left,” but there is nothing wrong with her that 40mg a day of Seroquel won’t fix.

Porsha, setting herself up to be the next Queen of Versailles, reveals the six-bedroom, 8,000-square-foot house she’s moving into. Tina Knowles crawled onto the kitchen counter and, when her brother asked how she was going to pay for the house, Porsha said, “I’m a big girl now!” just like toddlers around the world refusing nap time. She seems content to be thrown out on her ass on her own terms, not realizing that one of the key factors of adulthood is to avoid getting thrown out on your ass at all. Savion Glover and Tiny Lister moved her stuff in and Porsha told her family that she called Kordell while she was in Sah-vah-naaaah. They all immediately launched into their stunned protests, but don’t worry, guys! Porsha now wants to carry on with the divorce. She’s like a goldfish, easily swayed by whomever is in the room because she can’t remember what she was doing from one second to the next.

Cynthia, wearing Aaliyah’s outfit from “Are You That Somebody,” brought her sister to the Bailey Modeling Agency House of Doughnuts, where she pointed out things like the giant posters of her face, the corner where she cries quietly to herself, and Peter’s new Mercedes. Malorie filed that tidbit away in her brain’s card catalogue under Impending Bankruptcy, Cynthia B., but as soon as Peter questions her for moving into their house with no notice she whips it out again. There’s a hint of Mama Joyce in Malorie, in that she seems to think she has dibs on taking advantage of Cynthia. My mouth hit the GROUND when Cynthia said, “Shut up, Mal!” It was like we watched her backbone grow out of the ground and leap into her body!

Phaedra, Nene, and Chuck embark on their trip to Athens; once there, they stopped at a Dairy Queen to talk about Phaedra’s high-school butt and NeNe’s high-school legs as if they existed independently from the rest of their body. Phaedra is always pissed off that NeNe claims they didn’t know each other, but they graduated at least four years apart so it really isn’t that weird? They played with the kids at the Boys and Girls Club, toured the recording studio and huge gym, and effortlessly sank baskets from the top of the key before settling in to give short speeches about letting books take you anywhere, how they should remember to be dreamers, and that they should respect their mothers and sisters. Sorry, boys! No respect for you today. Chuck saved his Sah-vah-naaaah speech for the ride home, when everyone was exhausted and trapped. He’s a jerk, and talked about how he had “six different chicks” to screw back when he was a young millionaire, and Phaedra and Kandi were “on the team,” unbeknownst to them. This conversation didn’t need to happen at all, and I feel like he really played up his hyper-masculinity for the camera, but I loved how Phaedra was basically like, “U MAD?” and chalked it all up to concussions as a result of being a former linebacker.

Finally, Cynthia surprised the living shit out of me by having a "come to Jesus" talk with Peter. He had a good point — that it’s not a good idea to fight in front of Malorie because she uses it as ammo — but his solution was to maybe rent a little place for himself so he could “chill out when things got heated.” Cynthia shot flames out of her body and ran down a list of all the ways that was NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN. She doesn’t have time to have sex all day because she’s too busy making the money to buy the bed for them to have sex in, she sacrificed everything to move to Atlanta to be with him, she believed in the Peter Thomas dream and nothing he has done has worked out, and she is frustrated and depressed by his sparkling ability to spend money but inability to make any. Her weirdo sister crashing for two months is the least of their worries! I feel like Cynthia has been punking us into thinking she’s a weakling all this time. Where did this badass side come from, and can we see MORE of it, please? Peter stalked off, saying that if the marriage becomes work he doesn’t want any part of it. Ooooooh, if she doesn’t divorce him I hope she at least runs over him once or twice in that new car.

What do you think — was Cynthia right to put Peter on blast? Is Malorie as shady as I think she is?

Next week we get to meet Kenya’s dad (who hates her style), Cynthia gets a blowout, Malorie and Peter fight, NeNe makes Porsha cry, and Kandi and Todd hit a rough patch. Have a great week!  

Photo: Bravo