Last night, Phaedra declared war on Chuck’s penis, NeNe declared war on friendship, and Kenya’s dad declared war on her taste.
Phaedra made sure to hop over to Kandi’s as soon as she made it back to town; they talked about Kandi’s “ghetto” dog who eats salt-and-vinegar chips and the fact that Chuck is a dirty, immature, insecure bastard. It’s lazy and stupid to insult a man by saying his dick is small, so it was disappointing to see Phaedra take it right there with the bite-size-brownie this and cocktail-sausage that. Phaedra thinks Chuck is a Lightskin Frankenstein compared to Apollo, and I literally could not tell you what that means. I think Phaedra is mixing too many metaphors and Southern phrases, and she’s starting to sound like Foghorn Leghorn having a stroke.
Cynthia wants to host a trunk show for Mal as a way to ensure she’ll have money of her own when Cynthia and Peter finally kick her out of her unannounced prolonged-stay situation. Mal sells bracelets, but they look very boring, like she just put the same beads on a string and tied a knot. Is there anything worse than a bored rich person discovering their creativity? Congratulations, you used your hands for something! Don’t make me buy it, please. Peter came in while Cynthia and Mal were talking, and shit got TENSE. Cynthia apologized for not running Mal’s stay by him (but how could she when she didn’t know?), but Peter kept shooting back insults, like telling Cynthia she was delusional for failing to admit that they fight most nights instead of having sex. What about her ’roids? She’s already established that she had her period for 40 days and 40 nights with nary a low tide, and that she was wildly uncomfortable and suffering before her surgery. What did Peter SERIOUSLY expect? For Cynthia, doubled over in pain and bleeding like a stuck pig, to lay back and think of England? I hated that Cynthia needed to remind him that during the first year of their marriage they had sex so much Peter started to feel used, and told him that that girl is coming back. If he can’t take you at your worst, he doesn’t deserve you at your best.
Kenya’s dad, Ronald, came to visit from Texas, and I wish he were on the show every single week to make fun of her to her face. He started with her “ashy” feet, but moved quickly on to her horrible taste, the contents of her fridge, and the fact that she sounds like a real-estate agent when she shows people around her house. Parents are the original haters — they will never fail to inform you how much you used to suck, which is payback for all the times they had to wipe actual shit out of your ass. Ronald sounded like a record player stuck on 16 rpm, and, during a heart-to-heart, flatly told Kenya to get over the fact that her mother wants nothing to do with her. It’s weird to me that Kenya has so much familial support and personal success but still longs for her mother, especially because it seems that she uses it as an excuse to validate the more terrible aspects of her personality. It’s a weird thing to be stubborn about — she has to have had therapy about this by now? She has to know that everyone in her family tells her that her mother will never give her this validation?
Elsewhere, Porsha’s mediation with Kordell went nowhere, so they’re heading to court. Her lawyer veered off into Misogyny Town and told her that she’s so pretty it may affect the judges ruling in court — pretty ladies don’t need alimony! They just blink really fast and cartoon wolves in zoot suits crawl out of the woodwork with flowers and old-timey cars! Porsha argues that she wants her value as a wife to be taken into consideration, but then argues that she can’t put a price tag on her value, and her exasperated attorney has to calmly explain to her that value is the same thing as money using an abacus and two sock puppets. He also said hey, hopefully you get enough out of this to pay us, and oh, yeah have enough for your future, whatever. I’d be worried, too, Randy Kessler, the way she’s throwing her money around on shoes that look like calf cages and a house the size of a hamlet!
Kandi is at the Kandy Factory with Todd, who tells her about all of the offers he’s getting to work elsewhere even though he said he would work on her musical. Listen — we can’t blame Todd for wanting to bounce. Mama Joyce has made it her mission in life to break them up and turn Riley against him, and I would want to work as far away as possible, too. Kandi cried and sort of talked, but she wasn’t opening her jaw? I had major flashbacks to Real World season-two Tami on the Wired Jaw Diet. There was no winner here — Todd was pulling rank and passively-aggressively reminding Kandi that he could Rain Man it and go any time, and Kandi hasn’t really put in the work to make sure Todd felt like he had a partner in the fight against Mama Joyce. He’s apprehensive, which was clear when he said that they’d figure things out but they might not get through it. I don’t think he has to be such a dick about leaving, but I’m not surprised he wants to go.
Cynthia and NeNe get to meet Kenya’s new Bentley and her dad, who wastes no time in hitting on them and being an old-fashioned misogynist about cleaning the kitchen and taking care of himself. We think the car came from Kenya’s mystery African suitor, but she’s being really obscure about this guy in her life, probably because he’s just a cut-out magazine model on a Popsicle stick. NeNe says she won’t be in Kandi’s play because she’s too busy and she “just left a Ryan Murphy production!” Keep this in mind later when NeNe tries to tell Porsha what constitutes a good friend, because her hypocrisy is deep.
Speaking of Porsha, she put on a hat that says “I Do Hair” and her shiniest denim pants to welcome Kandi and Phaedra to her new digs. Phaedra’s kid pukes on her right away, and Porsha rushes to put him down. I guess that desire to be a parent dissipates quickly when your rich husband files for divorce. Phaedra and Kandi tell Porsha how dumb she is to rent such a huge house, and she just wants them to understand it’s part of “her process.” Yes, her process of one day being bankrupt. What you need to know about this scene is that Phaedra mimicked Kordell using Porsha’s sex toys and Porsha used the word reconciliate as a verb instead of reconcile.
The ladies went to lunch and saw a local performer by the name of Baton Bob, who marched around town wearing toilet paper on his ankles. Kenya, always needing to be the center of attention, borrowed his baton to show off, and my eyes rolled so hard they snapped around like a slot machine.
Finally, we’re at Cynthia’s emergency-fund trunk show for Mal. Kandi and Porsha are early, and Porsha explains that she hasn’t told NeNe she moved into her neighborhood. Cynthia rightfully wonders if she likes getting read by NeNe, considering how much she just got called out in Savannah. Phaedra and Kenya arrived, and then promptly got into it with Mal. I thought Kenya was right here — all she said was, hey, it’s really ridiculous to show up to someone’s house unannounced and stay for two months, especially if that person is married, and Mal tried to make it into a “you don’t know me” situation. Cynthia pulled Mal aside to get her to calm down, and tell Mal that they all basically deal with Kenya by ignoring her. So we were right that Kenya is getting iced out this season, and that people only hang out with her when they absolutely have to?
NeNe shows up with Mynique, who uselessly said, “You’re so crazy!” in response to no one as she smiled widely and looked nervously around the room. You’re on edge now, aren’t you motherfucker? Now that you know this group of women are like hyenas ready to eat your life away? Phaedra was trying to be respectful to Porsha’s wishes not to let NeNe know she moved to her neighborhood, but Kenya came over like the Cheshire Cat and grinned, “Oh, you mean Porsha?” before walking off again. She lives to stir the shit! NeNe got mad, saying Porsha was not a good friend and was never there for her, and Kandi ran off to tell Porsha that NeNe knows. Porsha tried to do some triage and say, “I was going to surprise you!” but NeNe called her a bad friend, took her ball from the playground, and stomped back into elementary school. First of all, like her or not, Porsha is going through a painful divorce, and seems to struggle with carving out her own identity. If anything, her friends should be reaching out to her knowing that she’s not stable or reliable right now, and not expecting her to be.
Porsha walked away, saying that this was the sort of thing that could give her a nervous breakdown, and Cynthia followed. Soon NeNe came over and reluctantly says, “I’m sorry I made you cry” like a child being forced to apologize for something they do not feel sorry about doing for a second, and rolled her eyes while Porsha explained that she wasn’t having a good day. Such a great friend, that NeNe! So patient and kind. Porsha admitted that she was a people pleaser, which is a HUGE move for her, and makes it even easier to understand why she didn’t immediately hitch herself to NeNe when she moved. Maybe homegirl just needs some space to listen to the new Beyoncé album and cry, okay? Kenya, sick of the sight of women getting along, threw herself into traffic to escape, and when Porsha apologizes for being so broken, NeNe told her it was okay, she “knew you could be a better friend.” Oh, thank you benevolent overlord, for giving me the chance to be better! NeNe’s ego is out of officially out of control.
Next time, Kenya announces she’s having a child, Todd isn’t around and someone new calls him an opportunist, and Kandi explains that dating up is okay if it means people think she’s a hot bitch. Ay ay ay — what did you think of this week?